The joke thread - Page 76

BossMark · 12-04-11, 09:18 AM

A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law go on holiday to the Holy Land. While they are there, the mother-in-law dies.The local undertaker tells the man, "You can have her shipped home for £10,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for £50.00."The man thinks for a minute, and tells the undertaker to pack her up and ship her home. The undertaker asked, "Why?" Why would you spend £10,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to spend only £50.00?"The man replied, "A guy died here 2000 years ago, he was buried and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can"t take that chance."

Jimbuna · 12-04-11, 09:53 AM

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer.
After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.
After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for
another beer.
This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why
do you keep looking in your pocket?"

The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good
enough, I'll go home."

Lord_magerius · 12-04-11, 10:11 AM

My girlfriend asked me if we can have something more 'Christmassy' on the television.

So I put fifa on and played in snowy conditions.

Jimbuna · 12-04-11, 10:37 AM

My girlfriend is a wine connoisseur.

If its not one thing she's whining about its something else.

BossMark · 12-04-11, 11:56 AM

I beat my girlfriend at dominos the other day.
She needs to learn that I choose the pizza toppings!

Jimbuna · 12-04-11, 12:26 PM

My girlfriend left me for a midget the other day.

This broke my heart - I couldn't believe she would stoop so low.

Lord_magerius · 12-04-11, 12:32 PM

I just burnt my fingers in boiling oil and screamed "OOH OOH AAH AAH" like a monkey.

It was a chip pan, see.

Jimbuna · 12-04-11, 12:42 PM

The giant Pandas given to Scotland from China have finally arrived at Edinburgh Zoo. Must have been a bumpy flight, they've both got black eyes..

BossMark · 12-04-11, 01:07 PM

I missed a Jehovah"s Witness at the front door this morning, which was a odd as I thought I had a clear shot

Jimbuna · 12-04-11, 02:20 PM

I would like to share an experience with you about
drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had
brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session
over the years.
Well, I have done something about it: A couple of nights
ago I was out for a few drinks with some mates and had a few too many
whiskies as well as beers and some rather nice claret; but knowing full well
that I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never
done before - I took a bus home.
I arrived back safely and without incident which was a
real surprise, since I had never driven a bus before.

BossMark · 12-04-11, 02:33 PM

2 Irish couples decide to spice up their sex lives by swapping partners.
Paddy says "That was bloody great, wonder how the girls got on.

Jimbuna · 12-04-11, 02:49 PM

I'm totally unimpressed with the new Thai Bride I've ordered

Foo-King Knackered

BossMark · 12-04-11, 02:54 PM

Having given up smoking two weeks ago, I decided to take the advice from a health magazine which suggested starting a hobby, so I started doing pottery lessons.
And the first thing they taught me to make?... An ashtray.

Jimbuna · 12-04-11, 03:18 PM

I was in London today and saw a taxi full of zit ridden youths...

It was an acne carriage.

Jimbuna · 12-04-11, 04:32 PM

The Chinese girl next doors parents must have been sitting thinking what to call their daughter and then the microwave finished.

Ping.

12-04-11, 09:18 AM	#1126
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law go on holiday to the Holy Land. While they are there, the mother-in-law dies.The local undertaker tells the man, "You can have her shipped home for £10,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for £50.00."The man thinks for a minute, and tells the undertaker to pack her up and ship her home. The undertaker asked, "Why?" Why would you spend £10,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to spend only £50.00?"The man replied, "A guy died here 2000 years ago, he was buried and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can"t take that chance." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

12-04-11, 09:53 AM	#1127
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,142 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer. This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

12-04-11, 10:11 AM	#1128
Lord_magerius Seasoned Skipper Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Right by the hydrophone station Posts: 724 Downloads: 96 Uploads: 0	My girlfriend asked me if we can have something more 'Christmassy' on the television. So I put fifa on and played in snowy conditions. __________________

12-04-11, 10:37 AM	#1129
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,142 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My girlfriend is a wine connoisseur. If its not one thing she's whining about its something else. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

12-04-11, 11:56 AM	#1130
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I beat my girlfriend at dominos the other day. She needs to learn that I choose the pizza toppings! __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

12-04-11, 12:26 PM	#1131
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,142 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My girlfriend left me for a midget the other day. This broke my heart - I couldn't believe she would stoop so low. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

12-04-11, 12:32 PM	#1132
Lord_magerius Seasoned Skipper Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Right by the hydrophone station Posts: 724 Downloads: 96 Uploads: 0	I just burnt my fingers in boiling oil and screamed "OOH OOH AAH AAH" like a monkey. It was a chip pan, see. __________________

12-04-11, 12:42 PM	#1133
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,142 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	The giant Pandas given to Scotland from China have finally arrived at Edinburgh Zoo. Must have been a bumpy flight, they've both got black eyes.. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

12-04-11, 01:07 PM	#1134
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I missed a Jehovah"s Witness at the front door this morning, which was a odd as I thought I had a clear shot __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

12-04-11, 02:20 PM	#1135
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,142 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years. Well, I have done something about it: A couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks with some mates and had a few too many whiskies as well as beers and some rather nice claret; but knowing full well that I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home. I arrived back safely and without incident which was a real surprise, since I had never driven a bus before. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

12-04-11, 02:33 PM	#1136
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	2 Irish couples decide to spice up their sex lives by swapping partners. Paddy says "That was bloody great, wonder how the girls got on. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

12-04-11, 02:49 PM	#1137
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,142 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I'm totally unimpressed with the new Thai Bride I've ordered Foo-King Knackered __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

12-04-11, 02:54 PM	#1138
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Having given up smoking two weeks ago, I decided to take the advice from a health magazine which suggested starting a hobby, so I started doing pottery lessons. And the first thing they taught me to make?... An ashtray. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

12-04-11, 03:18 PM	#1139
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,142 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I was in London today and saw a taxi full of zit ridden youths... It was an acne carriage. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

12-04-11, 04:32 PM	#1140
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,142 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	The Chinese girl next doors parents must have been sitting thinking what to call their daughter and then the microwave finished. Ping. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!