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07-05-19, 10:23 AM | #1021 |
Fleet Admiral
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That's a clever one.
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abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right. |
07-06-19, 05:31 AM | #1022 |
Chief of the Boat
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“Why doesn’t your mother like me?” a woman asks her boyfriend.
“Don’t take it personally,” he assures her. “She’s never liked anyone I’ve dated. I once dated someone exactly like her, and that didn’t work out at all.” “What happened?” “My father couldn’t stand her.”
__________________
Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim) |
07-06-19, 05:33 AM | #1023 |
Chief of the Boat
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I was in line at a restaurant. In front of me was a mother with her college-age son and his girlfriend. It was the middle of the dinner rush, and many customers were restless at the long wait, but the young couple, holding hands and kissing, were oblivious to everything around them. Although clearly not approving, the mother was silent, until one prolonged kiss when the young man had his face and hands buried in his girlfriend’s long, curly locks.
“Do you have to do that here?” the embarrassed mother asked. “I’m not doing anything, Mom,” came her son’s muffled voice. “My earring’s caught in her hair.”
__________________
Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim) |
07-06-19, 02:40 PM | #1024 |
Dipped Squirrel Operative
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"English food and english women made England a great seafaring nation."
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>^..^<*)))>{ All generalizations are wrong. |
07-07-19, 07:19 AM | #1025 |
Chief of the Boat
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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So each one goes into the woods, finds a bear, and attempts to convert it. Later, they all get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
__________________
Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim) |
07-07-19, 07:21 AM | #1026 |
Chief of the Boat
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My sister-in-law was teaching Sunday school class. The topic for the day: Easter Sunday and the resurrection of Christ.
“What did Jesus do on this day?” she asked. There was no response, so she gave her students a hint: “It starts with the letter R.” One boy blurted, “Recycle!”
__________________
Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim) |
07-08-19, 04:54 AM | #1027 |
Chief of the Boat
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While volunteering in a soup kitchen, I hit it off with a very attractive single man. It was a relief, since my mother and I always laughed because the men to whom I was drawn were inevitably married. So, optimistic about my chances, I asked my new friend what he did for a living. He replied, “I’m a priest.”
__________________
Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim) |
07-08-19, 04:56 AM | #1028 |
Chief of the Boat
|
“What’s wrong, Billy?” asked the vicar.
“I need you to pray for my hearing,” said Billy. The vicar put his hands on Billy’s ears and prayed. When he was done, he asked, “So how’s your hearing?” “I don’t know,” said Billy. “It isn’t until next Tuesday.”
__________________
Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim) |
07-09-19, 08:13 AM | #1029 |
Chief of the Boat
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Gary was having a yard sale. A minister bought a lawn mower but returned it a few days later, complaining that it wouldn’t run.
“It’ll run,” said Gary. “But you have to curse at it to get it started.” The minister was shocked. “I have not uttered a curse in 30 years.” “Just keep pulling on the starter rope—the words will come back to you.”
__________________
Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim) |
07-09-19, 08:16 AM | #1030 |
Chief of the Boat
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Before beginning the service, our vicar read aloud a note he’d been handed moments earlier. “It says here that I should announce that there will be no B.S. tomorrow morning,” he said. He tucked the piece of paper into a pocket and added, “I’m hoping they mean ‘Bible Study.’”
__________________
Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim) |
07-10-19, 05:54 AM | #1031 |
Chief of the Boat
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A priest and a pastor are standing by the side of a road holding up a sign that reads “The end is near! Turn around now before it’s too late!”
A passing driver yells, “You guys are nuts!” and speeds past them. From around the curve, they hear screeching tires—then a big splash. The priest turns to the pastor and says, “Do you think we should just put up a sign that says ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”
__________________
Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim) |
07-10-19, 05:58 AM | #1032 |
Chief of the Boat
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An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean, “In return for your unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward you with your choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.”
“Give me infinite wisdom!” declares the dean, without hesitation. “Done!” says the angel before disappearing in a cloud of smoke. All heads now turn to the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. “Well,” says a colleague, “say something brilliant.” The dean stands and, with the poise of Socrates, opines, “I should have taken the money.”
__________________
Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim) |
07-11-19, 06:38 AM | #1033 |
Chief of the Boat
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A man with a huge grin approaches a priest.
"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned,” he says. "I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.” "Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. "All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass, and drink the juice.” "Will that cleanse my sin from me?” "No, but it’ll wipe that stupid smile off your face.”
__________________
Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim) |
07-11-19, 06:42 AM | #1034 |
Chief of the Boat
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The pastor asks his flock, “What would you like people to say when you’re in your casket?”
One congregant says, “I’d like them to say I was a fine family man.” Another says, “I’d like them to say I helped people.” The third responds, “I’d like them to say, ‘Look! I think he’s moving!’ “
__________________
Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim) |
07-12-19, 06:40 AM | #1035 |
Chief of the Boat
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We salesmen believe we can sell anything. But my confidence was put to the test recently in a hotel lobby. When the doors to the elevator opened, it was packed with women. I walked in, flashed a broad grin, and said, "Looks like tonight is my lucky night."
"Don’t count on it," said a voice in the back. "We’re nuns."
__________________
Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim) |
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