The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen. "What's wrong, dearest?" asked the confused husband.
"Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do?"
"Well," replied the man, "I guess a spanking is out of the question?"

[Jimbuna]

A mother comes home from work to find that her kids are hiding behind the couch.
She asks what's wrong, and the kids reply that aunt Sally was in the house naked. So she goes to her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty.
She asks, "What's going on?"
He replies, "I'm having a heart attack."
She says "I'm going to call 911, while I'm really looking for my sister."
She discovers the aunt in the bathroom closet in the nude, and gives her a slap, "How dare you! My husband is having a heart attack and you're running around scaring the kids!"

[Jimbuna]

Pedro lives in an orphanage.
One day Pedro is heading towards town with his hands claped together, when the padre who runs this orphanage asks Pedro, "What do you have in your hands and where are you going?"
Pedro replies, "Father, I have horseflies and I am going to town to get horses." Sure enough later Pedro comes back with two beautiful Arabians.
Next day Pedro walks past the priest again with the same question, "Pedro, what do you have in your hand and where are you going?"
Pedro replies once again, "Father I have butter and I am going to town to get butterflies."
Sure enough Pedro returns with beautiful monarch butterflies.
The very next day Pedro is headed towards town once again when the Priest asks the same question, "Pedro what do you have in your hands and where are you going?"
Again Pedro replies, "Father I have Pussy willows-"
"Wait, Pedro!" says the Priest, "I'll go with you!!"

[Jeff-Groves]

I was talking to a Job Supervisor the other day.
I told him I had to go check on My Slinkys.
"Why do you call those Guys Slinkys?" He asked me.
I replied...
"Cause they are pretty useless to me but still put a smile on my face when I toss them down the stairs"

[Jimbuna]

Stan is seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barge in holding their newborn baby.
"Stop! You can't do this!" exclaims the brother.
"And why not?" asks Stan.
"Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday? Like my wife and I have here?"
Stan says nothing.
The brother grows impatient, "C'mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle."
Stan can’t take it anymore. He gives his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asks his brother, "You're sure you want a nephew?"
"Yes," the brother replies. "It would be an honor."
"Well, congratulations, you're holding him."

[mikesn9]

Recently, a group of
Bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw
a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge.
So they stopped.



George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks
through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to
talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss
this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump,
Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just
that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by
another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from
his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent
you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

[Jimbuna]

A statue of a naked woman and a naked man stand in a park at night. Suddenly from out of nowhere, a magical genie arrives and grants the statues each one wish to be fulfilled. Both the female and male statues agree on 15 minutes as a real man and woman in the bushes behind them to "get things done."
The genie gives a knowing grin and grants the wish. The man and woman immediately jump behind the bushes and screaming sounds and laughter can be heard from their activities. 12 minutes later they return to the front of the bush again claiming they are finished.
"Well now, that was kinda quick!" the genie says. "You can do it a second time for the remaining 3 minutes if you want," the genie tells them, winking his eye. Both the female and male look at each other and smile. The man says to the woman, "Okay great, but this time you get to hold the pigeon so I can crap on him!"

Treffen sich zwei Hirn-Chirurgen im "Dritten Reich".
Sagt der eine: "Heil Hitler"
Sagt der andere: "Heil du ihn doch"...

[Jimbuna]

A representative for a condom company is on her way to a convention. While rushing through the airport, she drops the briefcase carrying her samples of condoms all over the floor. As she is stuffing all the condoms back into her briefcase, she notices tourists giving her crazy looks. "It's ok, she says, "I am doing a huge convention."

[Jimbuna]

Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife sends her husband to a therapist who winds up treating him with self-hypnosis. To her joy, everything gets much better. However, she can't help but notice that each night, just before their lovemaking, the husband dashes out to the bathroom for several minutes. This torments her until finally, one night, she follows him. There, in front of the mirror, she finds him applying this therapeutic technique, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife.”

[Jimbuna]

Traveling through the country, an old couple drives into a gas station.
The attendant asks the old man, "Where you folks from? I know everybody in this town."
The old man says, "We're from Nebraska."
Hard of hearing, the old lady nudges her husband, "What did he say, papa?" The old man answers her, "He asked us where we are from."
"Oh," replies the old woman.
The old man tells the attendant to fill up the tank and check the tires.
When that's all done, the attendant tells the old man, "You know, the worst piece of ass I ever had was from Nebraska."
The old lady nudges her husband once more and asks, "What did he say, papa?"
The husband replies, "He thinks he knows you, mama."

[Jimbuna]

A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?”
The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in my car's glove compartment.”

[Jimbuna]

A 96-year old man is pleading with the doctor for a lower sex drive.
"Surely you're imagining things," says the doctor. "You're 96 years old. Isn't all the feeling for sex just in your head?"
"Yes," replies the elderly man, "that's why I want you to lower my sex drive to the place where it might do more good."

[Jimbuna]

A woman decides to get a porn video, so she goes to the store and picks one with a fairly dirty title.
When she plays the movie, the screen gets fuzzy and nothing is going on.
When she calls the store about the movie, they ask her what the title was, and she says, "Head Cleaner."

[Jimbuna]

Bubba and Leroy were sitting on the front porch of a trailer house. Leroy says "Bubba, you and me are bestest buddies. If you was gone huntin and I had sex with your wife and she had my baby, would that make us Kin Folk?"
Bubba replied " I don't know Leroy, but it would dang shore make us even"