The joke thread

[BossMark]

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses" wife instead. "I"m afraid he died last week." she explains. The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week." The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I"VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?" "Coz," he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it..."

[Jimbuna]

Respect your elders. They made it through school without Google or Wikipedia

[BossMark]

I went into town this morning and there was one of those stupid mimes in the square.
First he walked up a ladder that wasn"t there.
Then he cleaned a window that wasn"t there.
Then he walked into a fist that was there.

[Jimbuna]

I'm a big fan of the art form of mime.

Whenever I see a mime artist performing in the town square, I always make sure I put my hand in my pocket and throw in some invisible money.

[BossMark]

You really do have to hand it to the French...
After all, they won"t fight for it.

[Jimbuna]

Why did the woman divorce the bin man?..........He treated her like trash!!!

[BossMark]

My mate said to me today,
"What would you like people to say at your funeral?"
I said, "Preferably: "Look at that! He"s bloody coming back to life!""

[Jimbuna]

The Olympic Flag now has only 4 rings: Green, blue, red and black.

The Greeks had to pawn the gold one.

[BossMark]

The French Government recently announced that they have made thier army twice as efficient by sewing white flags on the backs of their troops jackets.
They can now run away and surrender at the same time.

[Jimbuna]

Apparently the phrase "the customer is always right" doesn't apply when I'm trying to buy a shed load of booze for my 16th birthday party

[BossMark]

How come anorexia is an eating disorder?
I would have said it was a "not eating" disorder.

[Jimbuna]

My wife was livid when I made a show of her drunk last night.

Especially when she walked in and found me and the lads watching the tape.

[BossMark]

An Australian backpacker walks into a bar and orders a pint of lager from the barmaid. She recognises his accent and they begin chatting. Over the course of the night they get to know each other quite well. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place for sex. Although she is attracted to him, she declines. He then offers her two hundred quid. The waitress is also travelling the world and is short of funds, so she agrees.The next night he returns and orders another lager. Later in the evening, he offers her another two hundred quid for her services. She is only too happy to agree. This goes on for five nights.On the sixth night, the traveller comes in, orders a lager and sits in the corner. Hoping to earn more cash in another night of passion, the waitress pulls up a seat, and asks him where"s he"s from."Melbourne," the traveller replies."So am I! What suburb in Melbourne?" she asks."Glen Iris," he replies."That"s amazing," she says, "so am I! What street?""Cameo Street, he replies."This is unbelievable," she says. "What number?""Number 20.""You are not going to believe this but I"m from number 22 and my parents still live there!""I know," the man replies. "Your father gave me a thousand pounds to give to you."

[Jimbuna]

I made the bravest call of my life playing poker last night.

I rang the wife to tell her I had just lost the house.

[BossMark]

3 men die on Xmas eve,to get into heaven St Peter says"you must have something on you that represnts Xmas"the Englishman flicks on his lighter and says its a candle,St Peter lets him pass,Welsh man pulls out a set of keys and jinglesthem and says they are bells,St Peter lets him pass, the Irish man pulls outa G string and St Peter says how the hell do they represent Xmas!!Paddy says they"re CAROLS!!