The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

A rich 40 year-old American woman decided to get married, but she wanted her husband to be a virgin and to never had been with a woman all of his life.
After some years of pointless searching, she still hadn’t found anyone with this description and was forced to give an ad to the paper.
A month later, she met with an Australian man who had never been with a woman before in his life and she married him immediately.
On the first night of their wedding and before they lay down, she went for a quick freshen up and then went back to the bedroom, happy.
When she entered the room she just froze.
She saw her husband naked in the center of the room and all the furniture in one corner of the room.
"But.. What happened?" asked the woman obviously shocked.
"Look.. I’ve never been with a woman, but if it’s the same as with the kangaroo, then I’ll need the whole room to catch you!"

[Eichhörnchen]

"Eeee-eeeh... eee eeh... eere's one, then... what does One call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

Eeee-eeh... eee-eeh... eeeeeh-eh.... a stick"

[Jimbuna]

Bill wakes up at home with a huge hangover.
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Bill looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating.
Bill asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Bill asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone, I'm married'!"

[Jimbuna]

A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house.
Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc.
His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names."
The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name."

[Jimbuna]

Husband takes the wife to a disco. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
Husband says: "Looks like he’s still celebrating!!"

[Jimbuna]

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with Betty Sue written on it." He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? Betty Sue was the name of the horse I went there to bet on."
She shrugs and walks away.
Three days later he is reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She answers, "Your horse called."

[Gray Lensman]

Even dogs like a good practical joke:

here!

[Jimbuna]

A man goes to see a wizard and says "can you lift a curse that was put on me years ago ?"
"Maybe," says the wizard, "if you can remember the exact words of the curse?"
The man replies without hesitation "I pronounce you man and wife ..."

[Catfish]

My wife buys non-perfect vegetables on the market, so the ugly ones vanish.
I laughed, until i saw myself in a mirror.

[Jimbuna]

Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour." Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."

[Jimbuna]

A married couple are sleeping when the phone rings at 3 AM.
The wife picks up the phone and, after a few seconds, replies, "How am I supposed to know? We're 200 miles inland!" and hangs up.
Her husband rolls over and asks, "Sweetheart, who was that?"
"I don't know,some dumb bitch asking if the coast is clear."

[Jimbuna]

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, “Mommy, why does the girl wear white?”
His mom replies, “The bride is in white because she’s happy and this is the happiest day of her life.”
The boy thinks about this, and then says, “Well then, why is the boy wearing black?”

[jayni]

My church has a brass plaque with the list of names of all the members killed in action. One day a little boy is looking at the plaque and he asks the priest who all these people are. The priest answers they are the names of all the church members who died in service. The little boy asks the priest which service did they die in, the 8:00am or the 10:00am service.

[jayni]

What do you call a good ole boy who went to Ole Miss for a semester?

Doc.


What do you call a gas station attendant who went to Ole Miss for a semester?

Doctor Fill

[Platapus]

When I split up with my girlfriend, she told me that I would never find another woman who would love me they way she did.

I replied "that's the whole idea".