The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator."
Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style.
She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you.
Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore.
Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?"
"And so, here we are!"

[Jimbuna]

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.
At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!"
The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?"
Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."

[Tango589]

How do you make a hormone?

Refuse to pay her.

[Jimbuna]

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

[Jimbuna]

A woman was telling her friend , "It was I who made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
The woman replied, "A multi-millionaire".

[Von Due]

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

A woman was telling her friend , "It was I who made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
The woman replied, "A multi-millionaire".

A variant of that in the RC hobby:

How to become a millionaire?
Start with a billion and buy your first rc helicopter.

[Eichhörnchen]

"Eeeeeh-eeeh... eeeeeh-eeh... One was wondering why the cricket ball was getting bigger... and then it hit One"

[Jimbuna]

On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"
Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."

[Von Due]

Two elderly married couples sat outside on a sunny day talking. Soon, they started talking about their latest vacations. One of the men told how his wife and he went to Venice for 3 weeks, the restaurant they used to dine at, the sight seeing, the people there, with his wife correcting him if he remembered something wrong, which happened more than once. They were quite old, these people. When he reached the end of his little tale, he turned to the other man and asked "So, Henry, how was your vacation? Where did you go?"

Henry was silent for a bit, perhaps putting together a story, jogging his memory, but his face slowly wore this slightly worried face, a bit confused. Finally he spoke:

"Name me a potato, will you please"

Bill and Mary and Henry's wife looked at him, puzzled. "A potato?" asked Mary.
"Yes, please, name me a potato" Henry asked again.

They started to name all the potatos they could think of.
"Almond" Bill suggested. "No, it's not almond", Henry said looking a bit sad now.
"Alturas?" Mary said but again, Henry shook his head. "No, it's not Alturas, I'm certain."
"Blue Congo? Ratte? Red Norland?" the others asked. "No, it's neither of those but please, continue" Henry implored.
"Selma?" Bill suggested again. Henry's eyes lit up, his worried face was gone:
"YES! That's it! Selma!"

Henry turned to his wife and asked
"Selma, where did we go on vacation?"

[Jimbuna]

The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, and bright as a new penny.
When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc.
"Now do you understand?" he asked.
"I think so," she said. "That was when mommy came to work for us?"

[Jimbuna]

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.
"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."
"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."
"He died of a broken neck."
"A broken neck?"
"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

[magic452]

Possum problem

There were four churches and a synagogue in town: Anglican church, Baptist church, Methodist church, Catholic church and a Jewish synagogue. Each church and the synagogue had a problem with possums.

The Anglican church called a meeting to decide what to do about their possums. After much prayer and consideration they decided that the possums were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's will.

At the Baptist church the possums had taken an interest in the baptismal font. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide in the font and let the possums drown themselves. The possums liked the slide and knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many possums showed up the following week.

The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So they humanely trapped their possums and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the possums were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

The Catholic Church came up with a creative strategy. They baptized all the possums and confirmed them as members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas, Easter, weddings and funerals.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue, but it's rumored that they took one possum and circumcised him and they haven't seen a possum on their property since.

Magic

[Catfish]

^



about the situation regarding jobs..

What does one PhD of physics say, to another one in Germany?
"What would you like?"
"Pommes frites, please"

[Eichhörnchen]

"Mmmm... I don't get that"

[Catfish]

Think!

It is, of course, a typical german joke