Bilge

[Bellman]

DTs ? Nup I've gone Sonic.

Everybody knows that 'ole chesnut about the guy sat on a bench moving his arms up and down. What are you doing sir ?
I said'.'I'm drilling,'' he said. Nice living sir.................'' Cccccccccall thththis lllllliving,'' he said.

Well a post bathroom, pre breakers, coffee was spilling a little, so my better said ''Whats up - have you overdone
the sauce or is it just your age ?'' What d'ya mean ? ''Well look at your hands your shaking like a leaf -
you got something to hide ?''

My bathrooms just getting too mechanised by the time I've Sonic vibrated my teeth and M3 Power vibrator shaved -
I'm a ttttttttrembling wreck.



Seasons greetings.

[Bellman]

Snippets about Sauce.
Painless extractions from The Times 23rd Dec. Health News.

1. 'A sobering study of hangover cures' Nigel Hawkes Health Editor.

'Hangovers have no cure according to a comprehensive search of medical literature. Despite mans
ingenuity in devising antidotes to alcohol, none has yet stisfied the gold standard of evidence,
the randomised controlled trial, conclude a team from the Peninsula Medical School

Dr. Max Pittler and colleagues found only eight studies met their criteria, but did not include
Vegamite-on-toast,cabbage, hair-of-th-dog, kidney dialysis,rubbing the armpits with a lemon,
or (sadly) a Full English Breakfast, all sovereign remediea according to some. ''The paucity
of randomised controlled trials is in stark contrast to the plethora of 'hangover cures'
marketed on the internet,' they remark in the British Medical Journal.'


2. 'Commons consume 800 pints a day' Greg Hurst.

'Democracy is thirsty work - according to details supplied in response to parliamentary questions
posed by Norman Baker Lib. Dem. MP. He said ''It looks like MPs spent the year having a trial
run for 24-hour drinking. But earnestly they have been doing their best to prop up the brewing industry.'' '


3. 'Optic illusion could net you a free drink ?' Nigel Hawkes

'An optical illusion makes a tall slim glass look fuller than a short fat one,US marketing
specialists have found. People pouring drinks are unduly influenced by the height of the glass,
and fail to compensate for width. This means that what looks a decent measure in a tall glass
appears small in a fat one - even though both contain identical amounts. The tests were carried
out by Brian Wansink (?) of Cornell University and Koert van Ittersum of Georgia Institute of Technology.'

The moral of this short story is if you are a Host of Scrooge spirit pour into tall glasses .........................
and guzzle-guts Guests ask for a double in a short glass.

Now my Liberty sub has cleared shallow waters, I'm diving deep, so au revoir - happy holiday.

[Bellman]

When your becalmed in the Sargossa, without a breath of wind, a seagulls fart can seem a good omen.

Well all those young journos and Estate Agents are at it it again. Desperate to breathe life into the mordant corpse
of the UK property market their shouting from the treetops that for the first time in 18 months '' Prices are up !!!''
Yep ....by a mighty .1 % in December. So theres no worries there then !! 1.2 % in a year .............WOW.

Heck why then did the largest Agent chain in the UK report last year as beeing its worst, its lowert volume of unit
sales for 30 years (Repeat 30 years ) Of couse that was hidden away in the medias small print.

Talk about spin these journos and agents could power up a mighty Wind Farm.
'Wish fulfilment' - enlightened self-interest ?

[Bellman]

Time for a quick one ?

Thats an extra dram to you ! The Earth's time lords have decreed that we should add a 'leap second' on the
stroke of midnight to re-synchronise our clocks with ''astronomical time'' So we will have to wait a second
before launching into 'Auld Lang Syne' 2006 will be arriving a little late.

Now pay attention and look hard at that clock for 23:59:60 ! So grab a quickie on the 31st and count
''3 - 2 - 1 - 1..... Happy New Year''

[LuftWolf]

Time for a quick one?

I used to work for a company whose motto was precisely that. :|\

No it wasn't THAT kind of company...

[Bellman]

Jockey Club to introduce Eye Tests ?
(Subtitled Laughing-boy Laughran hands over lead at Lepardstown.)

'Moscow Feyer' was leading the field and 100 yards from the winning-post when his jockey Roger Loughran,
thinking he had crossed the line, decided to celebrate by rising in the styrup in celebration. Sat bolt upright, punching
the air, laughing-boy Loughran failed to notice 'Ho Cloy' and 'Fota Island' slip past to take first and second places.

Still smiling, in spite of a little crowd booing, Loughran, ''newly'' turned pro, said ''I mistook a birch stick for the winning post.''
I guess a few of the punters, who lost over a million pounds, would like to take a birch stick to Master Laoughran.

[Bellman]

'The Torpedo.'
(from Balderdash and Piffle, by Alex Games)

''During the 16th century a torpedo was a ray-like fish that emits an electric** discharge, but in 1776 an American called
David Bushnell turned it into a sea-going mine that could be clamped to an enemy ship.''

**Around AD 1600, Dr William Gilbert investigated the reactions of amber and magnets and first recorded the word
'Electric' in a report on the theory of magnetism. Ben Franklin isnt a happy bunny ?

[Bellman]

.......and talking about 'electricity'...........Tail tales? (A Times Morph)
'There is a divinity that shapes our ends, rough hew them how we will.' WS.

For those officianados, who have studied the female rear from Pre- Raphaelite to Kylie Minogue, we dread the question
''Does my bum look big in this ?'' You will be lucky to get away with the response ''Who cares ? Youre blocking the telly !

Well its good to know that Accademia is focusing on that area of research. Dr.Lisa Macintyre, of Herriot Watt University,
Edinburgh is conducting an inquiry into how clothing can affect the appearance of the female backside.

Shes first looking into trousers(?) and her first report is due this May. Then she plans to apply for a government research
grant to expand(?) the study.

[Bellman]

And just when you were struggling manfuly to hunt those elusive subs, there comes a heartwarming story
from BBC News UK, of just how boring boar hunting can be so difficult.

'Hunt helps find 60 missing boar.'

'A Devon farmer has enlisted the support of a local hunt to round up more than 60 wild boar which have been set free
from his farm. The animals have damaged gardens and crops around the village of West Anstey after they were freed
last month. Police believe animal rights activists may have cut the chain link fence enclosing the animals.

Allan Dedames, who owns the Woodland Wild Boar Farm, said the boar were not dangerous unless cornered.
He said: "If you're hunting one and trying to kill it, it will stand up for itself and it probably could get very aggressive.
"But on the whole they'll take no notice of humans and just get on with their business wandering around."

The senior master of the Dulverton Farmers' Hunt, Susie Maund, said it was going to be difficult even to find the boar,
adding: "We are going to need all the luck we can get.'' (sic)

Experts say Boar left alone are harmless but dont take kindly to beeing rounded up or herded :P
They certainly dont like dogs. So I guess those hound-dogs are going to need a lot of luck.

[Bellman]

......And this little piggy went home ! (BBC updates the 'Big Boar hunt)

''Boar hunters retrieve one animal''

Britain's first wild boar hunt for centuries ended with just one of 60 fugitive animals
safely making its own way back to its pen in Devon.

The round-up was carried out by hunt members and farmers, at the request of local boar farmer
Allan Dedames. Eventually, only one boar, an 18-month-old male, was flushed out about a mile (1.6km)
from Mr Dedames' Woodland Wild Boar Farm.

Mr Dedames said of the single success of the day: "It is brilliant. He went straight back
into his enclosure as well. He ran back totally by himself."

Hunt chairman Dennis Woollacombe said the operation had not been a success but added:
"I think it was worth the effort."
He went on: "Obviously the boar were not where we were expecting them to be." :P

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/devon/4581702.stm

[Bellman]

'Strip Poker ?'

Xmas buyers have stripped UK stores clean out of home poker sets. The Time reports that' more than a million poker
games and products were sold before Dec. 25th.
Some stores sold out and reported huge demand for the kits, which were scarcely available this time last year.'

'Women find poker is their strongest suit.' The Times.

'Conrad Brunner, European Marketing manager at Poker-Stars, one of the biggest online sites, estimates that out of
3.5 million players on his site, 900,000 were women.'

''Hunny what happened to the housekeeping dough ? ''

[Bellman]

Vive La France !! Of Penguins and Boars.

Penguins are a-go-go.

US film institute picks Penguins -'March of the Penguins' The film follows a group of Emperor Penguins.
The documentary film March of The Penguins has been branded a "moment of significance" by a US movie body.

The American Film Institute (AFI) chose six events and trends from 2005 from the US movie and TV industries.
French-made March of the Penguins was commended for "its universal message - the need to be part of
a community that cares for each other".

Sidenote - Was this film the inspiration for MSGallileos penguin slapper signature ? A work of real genius.
That slap is so affectionate, so caring.

Boar Hunting update - Hunt considers fitting hounds with headlamps ?

French hunting expert today on BBC 'Today' reports Boar hunting est massive en Francais. Shooting is the way
to go there as the animals devastate crops. But tell that to the bleeding hearts who bolt down their pork chops
to go on rescue missions. Apparently boars move around at night - so night-sights and hounds used to hunting them
are mandatory.

Are you listening oh Master of the Dulverton Farmers Hunt ? (Localy known as the 'Dullards !!")

[Bellman]

A very long 0rgan..................note.............'The Final Chord ?'

DELAYED IMPACT (Morphed from The Times)

An organ performance started in 2001 and is due to finish in 2693. The first chord was played 2 years ago, followed
by a prescriptive year and a halfs silence. The second chord was played yesterday .............and will be played
continuo for the next few years. The keys on the organ will be held down by weights, in order to allow the
organists time off for concert breaks and replacement by a long, long bench of substitutes.

The piece is Organ2/ASLSP (as slow as possible) by John Cage, the maestro of aleatoric (dodgy, decided by chance)
music and guru of Zen Budhism. How slow is as 'slow as possible' - but ''Till the crack of doom'' is the Budhist answer.

The Buchardi cathedral in Halberstadt Germany has been restored for the concert, but as we understand
that the opening chords sound like a triad of six whistles, some ear drums will have to wait until 2639 for 'restoration'

[Bellman]

Invasion of giant jellyfish - Summit meeting called.

No sorry this is not a flier for a 'B' Sci-fi Horror Movie. Echizen Kurage are 6ft wide and weigh 450lb (22kg) with
countless poisonous tentacles. Vast armadas of the slimy horrors have cut off Japans food supply

The problem has become so serious that fishery officials from Japan, China and South Korea are to meet later this month
for a Jellyfish Summit, to discuss strategies for dealing with the invasion. Numbers have increased by 100 fold
and fishermens nets are broken by the sheer weight. The fish catch is poisoned and covered in slime. In many areas
fishing has been suspended.

Ever resourcefull, and making the best of it, locals have turned from complaining to eating them. Coastal communities
are doing their best to promote jellyfish as a novelty food, sold dried and salted.

NB. The most poisonous jellyfish is the the Australian sea wasp, or box jellyfish, with enough venom to kill 60 people.
Ausies report that wearing tights is an effective defense. Well is what what too much time outback with all those
frigging sheep does for blokes ?

[Bellman]

Reeming in todays Mans Navy ?

Nuke Sub Captain used Nelson's navy style verbal flogging. (Morphed from an article in todays Times)

'The courts martial commenced yesterday at Portsmouths HMS Nelson of The commander of the UK nuclear sub
HMS Talent. It is alledged, that Captain Tarrant delivered red-faced tirades of abuse to his young officers,
reducing one to tears, during a secret operational patrol.

The victims of the Captains ''aggessive and humiliating'' style of leadership on board the hunter-killer
submarine, were said to to have felt scared and intimidated. One Officer Lt. ramsey, was so frightened
that he used to vomit before going on watch.'

Lt. Ramsey would dissolve into tears at the end of each watch. The tirades in front of everyone in the control
room became known as ''reemings''. (Reeming is the act of opening the seams between the planks of a vessel
with a caulking-iron, in order to admit the oakum)

It remains to be seen whether the full facts will be made public as to why, and what caused, these incidents to occur.
The sub was engaged in an operation that concerned national security. The CO has the right to administer
strict discipline during missions that required ''forceful and immediate action that leaves no room for tact.''

It was also reported that the sub had had to make several unscheduled returns to port on previous
occasions. So whilst ones sympathies must lie with the recipients of apparent crass bullying behaviour, what
were the antecedents ?