The Tipsy Tale: An Oblivion Adventure - Page 6

Hottentot · 08-04-12, 01:04 AM

It has finally come to this. I never thought it would.

I mean, I've done some crazy stuff in my days, but there are some things even I'm still afraid of. But I must do this. There is no other way. This must end.

Sigh. Wish me luck.

Dear almight god guy. I come to you in search for help. Oh sure, you now ask yourself: "Why should I help that guy?" Yes, it's true I haven't always been the best of your flock...

I may have occasionally brought some of my own refreshments to church to get through the dull sermons. I can't grasp how people stand them sober.

Maybe a few times I have tried to throw rocks at your house's shiny windows. But it has been just to prove how great your craftmanship is!

I may have passed out in the eucharist wine storage a few times...

...And eaten all the food you had given to your ascetic servants, because I had a horrible hangover and couldn't find any kebab nearby...

After that I may have taken a few of your valuable dishes and sold them to get some more drinks...

I may have punched the priest...

And had fun with the choir girls...

And yes, I may have done all that within the 30 minutes I have been here now, but it's all in the past now. You are merciful and stuff, so you're supposed to forgive me and so on and so on...

So please, god dude, hear my prayer here in your house: grant me a head that isn't too small for all the helmets that, you in your might and stuff, have created to this world in order to shield the stupid, whiny pencil necks' skulls from my mace.

Pretty please?

No?

Well, you shuck!

Hottentot · 08-04-12, 04:25 AM

Huh? What is this place? It's no ordinary forest, I can tell. No bears trying to eat me.

What a picturesque, endless ocean...

And such a perfect white path in the middle of the wonderful trees...

So serene architechture...like some kind of intelligent design in the middle of a...

Paradise? Is this Heaven?

Wow. If I knew it was so easy to get in here, I wouldn't have always promised to change my ways after doing all that preacher annoying stuff. Heehehee, and to think those suckers are living without alcohol, good food, boobs and...

Whuh? How come these charcoal for faces are here too instead of hot angel chicks? Does god outsource to China?

Apparently my question amuses it, whatever it is. I never knew Finnish and Infernal cultures had so much in common.

But when I go to "beat each other up while drunk" part, the redblack dude doesn't want to play anymore. So much for finding a soul mate in here.

Eww. This must be God's cellar. And by the looks of it, it seems all the blumbers are condemned to damnation.

Which, incidentally, I seem to have just found.

Huh? I mean, it's very convenient to have these two places so close to each other, but you'd think God could afford his own apartment without renting his cellar to the Devil?

And he seems to be home too! Hi! I've been meaning to ask about your beer ser...

Hottentot · 08-04-12, 04:27 AM

Hmhp. He was till better for that tower thingy and kicked me back to this boring place again. I thought it was the holy beard guy who did the "eternal judgement and disturbingly sadistic punishment" stuff?

Hmm, a huge tree. I wonder if it has any apples? I mean, if I could eat one, I would finally know who drank my last keppana two years ago and wouldn't have to stab all my friends to death by blindly guessing...

Oh noes! A trap! A talky-chatty plot character! I knew this was too good to be true!

OK, fine. Let's go see your father.

Yeah, yeah, and you too. OK, your father must be a really nice guy, but...

...Could you stop repeating that already?!!

Whew, it's a good thing these two told me it's their father they kept yakking about. I mean, otherwise I would have lived in doubt for the rest of my life.

Hey! It's the nerd with my bling!

Raaaaaargh!

Finally someone who isn't talky! Let's get to the point already!

Namely me beating up pencil necks...

...Getting what is rightfully (if a little shadily) mine...

And making a heroic escape, as the whole place collapses around me. Huzaa!

Whuh? How did I end up in here? I didn't even drink anything this time!

More importantly, why is the fundy here?! I thought I lost him, like, gazillions of episodes ago. And why is he looking at my bling?

Yeah, like I didn't know. It keeps slipping off my neck. That still doesn't mean I can't sell it to buy some...

[Censored!]

Hottentot · 08-05-12, 05:31 AM

OK! Enough is enough! I've had it with these locals who keep stealing my bauble all the time! I'm going back here to complain and demand justice.

Hmm, the door was open this time. They must have a visitor day.

That guy is standing alone in this huge hall. He is even the big boss man or a local bum.

[Beeb] right you have been expecting me! You have no idea how many hoops I had to jump through to get here, but now I can finally tell you about...

Hey? I'm here! Me! Not the fundy who keeps following me!

Stop ignoring me! Where are you going?!

Hey! Where did the sun...

Oh...oh no...oh perkele no...

The sky is red...

It's dawn...

And faceless hordes in silly clothes are swarming the streets! The day has finally come!

RUSSIA IS ATTACKING!!

Huff! We beat up the first wave! But there will be more! And I know where...

Remember, kids: the enemy always comes from the East. It can come from the West too, but that means it has made one serious flanking maneuver!

See! Told you so! There are more of them here!

Ohmyfreakingvodka, they finally found a way to resurrect Lenin too?!

Screw this, I'm not taking my chances with four armed giant socialist! I'm out of here!

This looks like a nice hiding place.

You again?! Stop following me! You attract the...

Hottentot · 08-05-12, 05:33 AM

The...the...the...

Mommy...

Whuh? What's happening now? Since when have we even had a special effects budget like this?

Where the [beeb] did that come from then?!

You know, I'd do something totally manly if I wasn't busy soiling my pants...I think I'll just...

Erg...faint? Did I faint? My head hurts nevertheless, so I can't really tell...was it all just a...

Uh, a dream?

It appears it wasn't. I'm told that with my invaluable contribution we achieved another heroic defensive victory (stop laughing!) and these gloomy gates apparently are no longer ruining the scenery...

The big bad monsters that came out of them have been banished back for good...

The people are again living their lives happily....

The great artists are making my epic tale immortal. And as for me...

I'm leaving mopping up the remains of those devil spawns to someone else and going to have a drink. They won't need me for it. After that huge red guy there really is nothing worse that could have come out of those gates during the invasion.

Bartender! Boy! A mug of your finest ale for the hero of the day!

[...]

[Blink blink]

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! !!!!

- - - - - - - - - -

Oberon · 08-05-12, 06:23 AM

Fantastic, as always. Well done that man!

Takeda Shingen · 08-05-12, 10:28 AM

This was your magnum opus, hott. Wonderful!

Hottentot · 08-05-12, 12:11 PM

Aww.

While this may have certainly been the longest and most followed, I'd hate to think I wrote my best story...well, ever. There is room for improvement always and I'd hate to start comparing my future brain farts to this one.

That being said, I still had a fairly long list of ideas I just couldn't implement properly. So there is a good chance that Lalli will return. Probably not in Oblivion (unless I finally get Shivering Isles), but as a character. Like my other recurring morons who always somehow manage to do exactly the right thing in a completely wrong way. Or was it the other way around?

Time will tell.

08-04-12, 01:04 AM	#76
Hottentot Sea Lord Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: My private socialist utopia of Finland Posts: 1,918 Downloads: 4 Uploads: 0	It has finally come to this. I never thought it would. I mean, I've done some crazy stuff in my days, but there are some things even I'm still afraid of. But I must do this. There is no other way. This must end. Sigh. Wish me luck. Dear almight god guy. I come to you in search for help. Oh sure, you now ask yourself: "Why should I help that guy?" Yes, it's true I haven't always been the best of your flock... I may have occasionally brought some of my own refreshments to church to get through the dull sermons. I can't grasp how people stand them sober. Maybe a few times I have tried to throw rocks at your house's shiny windows. But it has been just to prove how great your craftmanship is! I may have passed out in the eucharist wine storage a few times... ...And eaten all the food you had given to your ascetic servants, because I had a horrible hangover and couldn't find any kebab nearby... After that I may have taken a few of your valuable dishes and sold them to get some more drinks... I may have punched the priest... And had fun with the choir girls... And yes, I may have done all that within the 30 minutes I have been here now, but it's all in the past now. You are merciful and stuff, so you're supposed to forgive me and so on and so on... So please, god dude, hear my prayer here in your house: grant me a head that isn't too small for all the helmets that, you in your might and stuff, have created to this world in order to shield the stupid, whiny pencil necks' skulls from my mace. Pretty please? No? Well, you shuck! __________________ Хотели как лучше, а получилось как всегда.

08-04-12, 04:25 AM	#77
Hottentot Sea Lord Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: My private socialist utopia of Finland Posts: 1,918 Downloads: 4 Uploads: 0	Huh? What is this place? It's no ordinary forest, I can tell. No bears trying to eat me. What a picturesque, endless ocean... And such a perfect white path in the middle of the wonderful trees... So serene architechture...like some kind of intelligent design in the middle of a... Paradise? Is this Heaven? Wow. If I knew it was so easy to get in here, I wouldn't have always promised to change my ways after doing all that preacher annoying stuff. Heehehee, and to think those suckers are living without alcohol, good food, boobs and... Whuh? How come these charcoal for faces are here too instead of hot angel chicks? Does god outsource to China? Apparently my question amuses it, whatever it is. I never knew Finnish and Infernal cultures had so much in common. But when I go to "beat each other up while drunk" part, the redblack dude doesn't want to play anymore. So much for finding a soul mate in here. Eww. This must be God's cellar. And by the looks of it, it seems all the blumbers are condemned to damnation. Which, incidentally, I seem to have just found. Huh? I mean, it's very convenient to have these two places so close to each other, but you'd think God could afford his own apartment without renting his cellar to the Devil? And he seems to be home too! Hi! I've been meaning to ask about your beer ser... __________________ Хотели как лучше, а получилось как всегда.

08-04-12, 04:27 AM	#78
Hottentot Sea Lord Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: My private socialist utopia of Finland Posts: 1,918 Downloads: 4 Uploads: 0	Hmhp. He was till better for that tower thingy and kicked me back to this boring place again. I thought it was the holy beard guy who did the "eternal judgement and disturbingly sadistic punishment" stuff? Hmm, a huge tree. I wonder if it has any apples? I mean, if I could eat one, I would finally know who drank my last keppana two years ago and wouldn't have to stab all my friends to death by blindly guessing... Oh noes! A trap! A talky-chatty plot character! I knew this was too good to be true! OK, fine. Let's go see your father. Yeah, yeah, and you too. OK, your father must be a really nice guy, but... ...Could you stop repeating that already?!! Whew, it's a good thing these two told me it's their father they kept yakking about. I mean, otherwise I would have lived in doubt for the rest of my life. Hey! It's the nerd with my bling! Raaaaaargh! Finally someone who isn't talky! Let's get to the point already! Namely me beating up pencil necks... ...Getting what is rightfully (if a little shadily) mine... And making a heroic escape, as the whole place collapses around me. Huzaa! Whuh? How did I end up in here? I didn't even drink anything this time! More importantly, why is the fundy here?! I thought I lost him, like, gazillions of episodes ago. And why is he looking at my bling? Yeah, like I didn't know. It keeps slipping off my neck. That still doesn't mean I can't sell it to buy some... [Censored!] __________________ Хотели как лучше, а получилось как всегда.

08-05-12, 05:31 AM	#79
Hottentot Sea Lord Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: My private socialist utopia of Finland Posts: 1,918 Downloads: 4 Uploads: 0	OK! Enough is enough! I've had it with these locals who keep stealing my bauble all the time! I'm going back here to complain and demand justice. Hmm, the door was open this time. They must have a visitor day. That guy is standing alone in this huge hall. He is even the big boss man or a local bum. [Beeb] right you have been expecting me! You have no idea how many hoops I had to jump through to get here, but now I can finally tell you about... Hey? I'm here! Me! Not the fundy who keeps following me! Stop ignoring me! Where are you going?! Hey! Where did the sun... Oh...oh no...oh perkele no... The sky is red... It's dawn... And faceless hordes in silly clothes are swarming the streets! The day has finally come! RUSSIA IS ATTACKING!! Huff! We beat up the first wave! But there will be more! And I know where... Remember, kids: the enemy always comes from the East. It can come from the West too, but that means it has made one serious flanking maneuver! See! Told you so! There are more of them here! Ohmyfreakingvodka, they finally found a way to resurrect Lenin too?! Screw this, I'm not taking my chances with four armed giant socialist! I'm out of here! This looks like a nice hiding place. You again?! Stop following me! You attract the... __________________ Хотели как лучше, а получилось как всегда.

08-05-12, 05:33 AM	#80
Hottentot Sea Lord Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: My private socialist utopia of Finland Posts: 1,918 Downloads: 4 Uploads: 0	The...the...the... Mommy... Whuh? What's happening now? Since when have we even had a special effects budget like this? Where the [beeb] did that come from then?! You know, I'd do something totally manly if I wasn't busy soiling my pants...I think I'll just... Erg...faint? Did I faint? My head hurts nevertheless, so I can't really tell...was it all just a... Uh, a dream? It appears it wasn't. I'm told that with my invaluable contribution we achieved another heroic defensive victory (stop laughing!) and these gloomy gates apparently are no longer ruining the scenery... The big bad monsters that came out of them have been banished back for good... The people are again living their lives happily.... The great artists are making my epic tale immortal. And as for me... I'm leaving mopping up the remains of those devil spawns to someone else and going to have a drink. They won't need me for it. After that huge red guy there really is nothing worse that could have come out of those gates during the invasion. Bartender! Boy! A mug of your finest ale for the hero of the day! [...] [Blink blink] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! !!!! - - - - - - - - - - __________________ Хотели как лучше, а получилось как всегда.

08-05-12, 06:23 AM	#81
Oberon Lucky Jack Join Date: Jul 2002 Posts: 25,976 Downloads: 61 Uploads: 20	Fantastic, as always. Well done that man!

08-05-12, 10:28 AM	#82
Takeda Shingen Navy Seal Join Date: Mar 2000 Posts: 8,643 Downloads: 19 Uploads: 0	This was your magnum opus, hott. Wonderful!

08-05-12, 12:11 PM	#83
Hottentot Sea Lord Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: My private socialist utopia of Finland Posts: 1,918 Downloads: 4 Uploads: 0	Aww. While this may have certainly been the longest and most followed, I'd hate to think I wrote my best story...well, ever. There is room for improvement always and I'd hate to start comparing my future brain farts to this one. That being said, I still had a fairly long list of ideas I just couldn't implement properly. So there is a good chance that Lalli will return. Probably not in Oblivion (unless I finally get Shivering Isles), but as a character. Like my other recurring morons who always somehow manage to do exactly the right thing in a completely wrong way. Or was it the other way around? Time will tell. __________________ Хотели как лучше, а получилось как всегда.