The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too.
Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I am not an American."
"Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?"
"I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.
"Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I'd be an American."

[Jimbuna]

A kid was crying standing outside his house.
A passer by asked: "Why are you crying?"
Kid: "My parents are fighting inside the house."
Passer by: "Who is your father?"
Kid: "That is what the fight is about."

[Eichhörnchen]

My wife called the doctor out to me.

I said: "Doctor, I'm homesick"

He said: "What are you talking about... you are at home"

"I know", I said... "I'm sick of it"

[Von Due]

Originally Posted by Eichhörnchen

My wife called the doctor out to me.

I said: "Doctor, I'm homesick"

He said: "What are you talking about... you are at home"

"I know", I said... "I'm sick of it"

I love TC's shows. Majestic mayhem it was.

[Eichhörnchen]

Tommy Cooper... we loved him. He made the kids and grown-ups all laugh out loud, before he'd even started his act.

I saw his final show on TV in 1984 when he expired on stage... really really sad, that was.

[Von Due]

Originally Posted by Eichhörnchen

Tommy Cooper... we loved him. He made the kids and grown-ups all laugh out loud... before he'd even started his act.

I saw his final show on TV in 1984 when he expired on stage... really really sad, that was.

His last show I never saw and never do I want to see it. But it has to be said, going like that, only TC could get away with it.

[Jimbuna]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!''
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!''
The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

[Jimbuna]

John invited his mother over for dinner one evening.
During the meal, she couldn’t help but notice how attractive his roommate Judy was. She had been suspicious of a relationship between her son and his roommate for quite some time, but this only made her more curious.
She watched the two of them interact over the course of the evening and began to wonder whether there was more between John and Judy than met the eye.
Realizing only too well what his mother was thinking, John said, "I can see your wheels turning Mom and I know what you’re thinking. Rest assured Judy and I are strictly roommates."
A few days later, Judy went to John and said, "You know the beautiful silver gravy ladle? Well, ever since your mother came to dinner I can’t seem to find it. You don’t think she would have taken it, do you?"
"I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure," replied John.

John then sat down and wrote his mother the following letter:
"Dear Mom,
While I’m not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you 'didn’t' take a gravy ladle, the fact remains that ever since you were here for dinner one has been missing.
Love, Your son."

Several days later, John received a reply from his mother which read:
"Dear John,
While I am not saying you 'do' sleep with Judy, and I’m not saying you 'don’t' sleep with her, the fact remains that she would have found the gravy ladle by now if she were sleeping in her own bed.
Love, Mom."

[magic452]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the lectern. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Phil."

The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

Magic

[Jimbuna]

One day a 12-year-old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the driver lowered a window. "I’ll give you a large bag of M&Ms if you get in the car," said the driver.
"No way! Get lost!" replied the boy.
"How about a bag of M&Ms and 10 dollars?" the driver asked.
"I said no way," replied the boy.
"What about a bag of M&Ms and 50 dollars?" asked the driver.
"No, I’m not getting in the car," answered the boy.
"Okay, I’ll give you a bag of M&Ms and 100 dollars," the driver offered.
"No!" replied the boy.
"What will it take to get you in the car?" asked the driver.
The boy replied: "Listen, Dad: You bought the Volvo-you live with it!"

[Sailor Steve]

"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome aboard the world's first fully automated, computerized airliner. Computer programming has reached such a state that human pilots are no longer needed. The plane has full takeoff and landing capabilities and avoidance technology that will keep it from ever hitting another plane or any object, such as a mountain or building. This is considered to be the most sophisticated system ever developed, and we can assure you that you are safer than you've ever been in an aircraft. All systems are triple-redundant, and designed with you, the passenger, in mind. Nothing can go wrong...can go wrong...can go wrong...can go wrong..."

[Eichhörnchen]

"Eeeh-eeh... eeeh-eeh... knock-knock!"

"Who's there?"

"Eeeh-eeh... eeh-eeh... Boo!"

"Boo who?"

"Eeeeh-eeh... eeeh-eeh... what's the matter... why is One crying, son?"

[Jimbuna]

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.
However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

[Eichhörnchen]

"Eeeh-eeh... eeeh-eeh... knock-knock!"

"Who's there?"

"Eeeh-eeh... eeeh-eeh... Butter!"

"Butter who?"

"Eeeh-eeh... eeh-eh... it's butter if One doesn't know!"

[Jimbuna]

Pupil (on phone): My son has a bad cold and won't be able to come to school today.
School Secretary: Who is this?
Pupil: This is my father speaking!