The joke thread - Page 591

Jimbuna · 06-12-16, 11:04 AM

A duck walks into a pet store and asked the owner if he sold “duck-food” here. The owner said; “no, I don’t sell duck food here”.
The next day the duck went back to the same pet store, and asked the owner again if he sold “duck-food” here.
The owner became very angry and said; “if you ask me for “duck-food” one more time, I am going to nail your web feet to the floor!”
The duck came back on the third day and asked the owner of the pet store; “do you sell any hammer and nails here?”
The owner answered; “no, I don’t sell any hammer and nails here”.
The duck then asked; “do you sell any “duck-food” here”?

Jimbuna · 06-13-16, 02:32 PM

A snail and a slug got in a crash. When the police, ambulances and news reporters arrived, a reporter asked a tortoise what happened.
He replied: "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"

Platapus · 06-13-16, 05:39 PM

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The
Monkees, I thought she was joking.
And then I saw her face.

fireftr18 · 06-13-16, 05:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Platapus

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The
Monkees, I thought she was joking.
And then I saw her face.

Then you said, "Now I'm a believer."

u crank · 06-13-16, 06:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Platapus

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The
Monkees, I thought she was joking.
And then I saw her face.

Quote:

Originally Posted by fireftr18

Then you said, "Now I'm a believer."

Sailor Steve · 06-13-16, 09:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

Customer: "Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup."
Waiter: "That’s all right sir, he won’t drink much."

"Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?"
"Looks like the backstroke, sir."

I think I heard those when I was eight or so.

Von Due · 06-13-16, 10:42 PM

My wife and I went up to the attic to clean it up.
Smelly, dust all over, covered with cobwebs. She's good with the kids though.

All through our marriage, my wife has stood by my side. We only have one chair.

Marriage is an institution. Who wants to live in an institution?

A woman tells her doctor "I've got a bad back". He said "it's old age".
She said "I want a second opinion."
He said "fine, you're ugly as well".

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

A seal walks into a club...

This guy walked up to me the other night and said: “Quick, did you see a policeman around here?”
I said no.
He said: “Good. Stick’em up.”

The police pulled me over while I was driving and asked "have you been drinking, sir?"
I said "Of course. You think I'm a stunt driver?"

Catfish · 06-14-16, 01:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sailor Steve

... I think I heard those when I was eight or so.

They are even older

How comes that all of you happen to know my grandfather?
You are telling all his jokes here..

BossMark · 06-14-16, 05:11 AM

Hank was amazed at the length of the funeral procession going down Main Street. Watching awhile he observed that the cortege consisted entirely of men. It was led by a man holding a Doberman.

His curiosity got the best of him and walked up to the man at the front of the line. "Excuse me for interrupting you in your time of grief", said Hank, politely. " but I've never seen such a funeral procession. Would you mind telling me who it's for?"

"It's for my mother-in-law," explained the mourner. Tightening the leash, he gestured down at the dog and said, "My Doberman here killed her."

"Gee, that's terrible, " commiserated Hank, " but hmmm....is there any way you could lend me your dog for a day or so ?"

The bereaved son-in-law pointed his thumb over his shoulder and answered, "get in line!"

BossMark · 06-14-16, 11:14 AM

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts back... "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

Jimbuna · 06-14-16, 03:14 PM

A Shark alarm at Sydney’s Bondi Beach sent everyone rushing from the water –except for three young boys who didn’'t hear the siren.
Onlookers were horrified to see a dorsel fin moving fast towards them. Suddenly, a tall bloke took a deep breath, dived into the surf, swam past the shark, and scooped up two of the boys, swiftly bringing them to the shore and safety.
He then took another deep breath and swam out again, snatching the third boy before rapidly approaching, before the monster could attack. Then got him back to the beach in one piece.
The heroic bloke then put a knife between his clenched teeth, swam out to the shark, and killed it in a furious battle.
As he staggered out from the surf, bleeding and battered, a journalist raced up to him and said, “That was the most heroic thing I’'ve ever witnessed mate. This will appear on the front page of tomorrow’s newspaper: “"Aussie hero saves three boys from killer shark!”"
“"Thanks."” Smiles the fella, “"but I'’m not an Aussie. I'’m a British backpacker.”" "“No worries",” said the journalist with a frown, “it'’ll still be front-page news.” The next day, the newspaper’s headline screamed, "“Pommy bastard kills boy'’s pet fish!”"

Platapus · 06-14-16, 03:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sailor Steve

"Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?"
"Looks like the backstroke, sir."

I think I heard those when I was eight or so.

Did they have flies back then?

Von Due · 06-14-16, 04:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Platapus

Did they have flies back then?

Back then it was
"Waiter, there's an Archaea in my primordial soup"
"Finally! Now let its flavour evolve"

BossMark · 06-15-16, 06:58 AM

An Indian named Chief Bowels lived in a teepee on the reservation. One day he received a letter from the state division of highways that said that they were going to build a freeway and it would go right through where his teepee was located and he would have to move.

He was very upset about this because his ancestors had lived in that exact place for many generations.

He decided to go into town to talk to someone and get them to change the route of the freeway.

He arrived in town but didn't know where to go so he asked someone for directions to the local office of the highway department. He was told to go three blocks straight ahead then turn left for two blocks and it would be on the right.

He went three blocks straight ahead then turned right and went into the building on the left. It was a drugstore.

The druggist asked him if he could help him and the Indian replied. "Bowels no move!"

"Oh," said the druggist. That's no problem. Take this twice a day for a week." he said, as he gave the Indian a bottle of medicine.

The Indian left and one week later the he returned. "Hello," said the druggist. "Did that medicine work?"

"Bowels still no move!" said the Indian.

"Well, well," said the druggist. "It appears that we will have to use something a little stronger. Take this four times a day for a week."

The Indian left and one week later he returned. "Hello again," said the druggist. "How are you doing?"

"Bowels still no move!" said the Indian.

"Oh my goodness!" said the druggist. "This really calls for something drastic. This is the most powerful treatment in existence. Take it eight times a day for a week."

The Indian left and one week later he returned. When the druggist saw him he asked, "bowels move?"

"Bowels have to move" said the Indian. "Teepee full of crap."

Jimbuna · 06-15-16, 07:51 PM

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"

Doctor: "Nine."

06-12-16, 11:04 AM	#8851
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,044 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	A duck walks into a pet store and asked the owner if he sold “duck-food” here. The owner said; “no, I don’t sell duck food here”. The next day the duck went back to the same pet store, and asked the owner again if he sold “duck-food” here. The owner became very angry and said; “if you ask me for “duck-food” one more time, I am going to nail your web feet to the floor!” The duck came back on the third day and asked the owner of the pet store; “do you sell any hammer and nails here?” The owner answered; “no, I don’t sell any hammer and nails here”. The duck then asked; “do you sell any “duck-food” here”? __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

06-13-16, 02:32 PM	#8852
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,044 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	A snail and a slug got in a crash. When the police, ambulances and news reporters arrived, a reporter asked a tortoise what happened. He replied: "I don't know, it all happened so fast!" __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

06-13-16, 05:39 PM	#8853
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 19,402 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

06-14-16, 05:11 AM	#8859
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Hank was amazed at the length of the funeral procession going down Main Street. Watching awhile he observed that the cortege consisted entirely of men. It was led by a man holding a Doberman. His curiosity got the best of him and walked up to the man at the front of the line. "Excuse me for interrupting you in your time of grief", said Hank, politely. " but I've never seen such a funeral procession. Would you mind telling me who it's for?" "It's for my mother-in-law," explained the mourner. Tightening the leash, he gestured down at the dog and said, "My Doberman here killed her." "Gee, that's terrible, " commiserated Hank, " but hmmm....is there any way you could lend me your dog for a day or so ?" The bereaved son-in-law pointed his thumb over his shoulder and answered, "get in line!" __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

06-14-16, 11:14 AM	#8860
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?" His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts back... "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!" __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

06-13-16, 10:42 PM	#8857
Von Due Sea Lord Join Date: Jul 2012 Posts: 1,690 Downloads: 30 Uploads: 0	My wife and I went up to the attic to clean it up. Smelly, dust all over, covered with cobwebs. She's good with the kids though. All through our marriage, my wife has stood by my side. We only have one chair. Marriage is an institution. Who wants to live in an institution? A woman tells her doctor "I've got a bad back". He said "it's old age". She said "I want a second opinion." He said "fine, you're ugly as well". I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already. A seal walks into a club... This guy walked up to me the other night and said: “Quick, did you see a policeman around here?” I said no. He said: “Good. Stick’em up.” The police pulled me over while I was driving and asked "have you been drinking, sir?" I said "Of course. You think I'm a stunt driver?"

06-14-16, 03:14 PM	#8861
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,044 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	A Shark alarm at Sydney’s Bondi Beach sent everyone rushing from the water –except for three young boys who didn’'t hear the siren. Onlookers were horrified to see a dorsel fin moving fast towards them. Suddenly, a tall bloke took a deep breath, dived into the surf, swam past the shark, and scooped up two of the boys, swiftly bringing them to the shore and safety. He then took another deep breath and swam out again, snatching the third boy before rapidly approaching, before the monster could attack. Then got him back to the beach in one piece. The heroic bloke then put a knife between his clenched teeth, swam out to the shark, and killed it in a furious battle. As he staggered out from the surf, bleeding and battered, a journalist raced up to him and said, “That was the most heroic thing I’'ve ever witnessed mate. This will appear on the front page of tomorrow’s newspaper: “"Aussie hero saves three boys from killer shark!”" “"Thanks."” Smiles the fella, “"but I'’m not an Aussie. I'’m a British backpacker.”" "“No worries",” said the journalist with a frown, “it'’ll still be front-page news.” The next day, the newspaper’s headline screamed, "“Pommy bastard kills boy'’s pet fish!”" __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

06-15-16, 06:58 AM	#8864
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	An Indian named Chief Bowels lived in a teepee on the reservation. One day he received a letter from the state division of highways that said that they were going to build a freeway and it would go right through where his teepee was located and he would have to move. He was very upset about this because his ancestors had lived in that exact place for many generations. He decided to go into town to talk to someone and get them to change the route of the freeway. He arrived in town but didn't know where to go so he asked someone for directions to the local office of the highway department. He was told to go three blocks straight ahead then turn left for two blocks and it would be on the right. He went three blocks straight ahead then turned right and went into the building on the left. It was a drugstore. The druggist asked him if he could help him and the Indian replied. "Bowels no move!" "Oh," said the druggist. That's no problem. Take this twice a day for a week." he said, as he gave the Indian a bottle of medicine. The Indian left and one week later the he returned. "Hello," said the druggist. "Did that medicine work?" "Bowels still no move!" said the Indian. "Well, well," said the druggist. "It appears that we will have to use something a little stronger. Take this four times a day for a week." The Indian left and one week later he returned. "Hello again," said the druggist. "How are you doing?" "Bowels still no move!" said the Indian. "Oh my goodness!" said the druggist. "This really calls for something drastic. This is the most powerful treatment in existence. Take it eight times a day for a week." The Indian left and one week later he returned. When the druggist saw him he asked, "bowels move?" "Bowels have to move" said the Indian. "Teepee full of crap." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

06-15-16, 07:51 PM	#8865
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,044 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live." Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!" Doctor: "Nine." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!