The joke thread

[BossMark]

Friendship between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night.

The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.

The man called his wife's 10 best friends.

None of them knew anything about it.





Friendship between Men:

A man didn't come home one night.

The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house.

The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.

Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

[Jimbuna]

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemies but remember their name.
3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk!

[magic452]

I sent that "Ancestry" site some information on my family tree.

They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested that I just start over

Magic

[Jimbuna]

After 5 hours sitting in the bar, a man was in no shape to drive, wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 am?", said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture.", the man said.
And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?", the cop asked.
"My wife!!!" said the man.

[Jimbuna]

Doctor: "Liquor is a slow poison for you."
Patient: "It’s all-right. I’m not in a hurry."

[Jimbuna]

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.
Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."
The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
"Just rub toilet paper between them."
Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"
"I don't know, but it worked for your backside."

[Jimbuna]

An ugly, fat, bad woman with two kids enters Wal Mart, shouting angry at the kids with no reason.
The man at the reception says cheerfully to her: "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Cute kids! Are they twins?"
The horrible woman stopped shouting, just enough to say, "Hell, they’ re not twins… The older is 9 and the other is 7! Are you blind or just stupid?"
"No madam... I’m neither blind nor stupid... I just can’t get that there’s a man out there who had sex with you twice."

[BossMark]

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!"

[Jimbuna]

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender… "Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees." "Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"
"She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'"

[Jimbuna]

"Young man," said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant. "It's alcohol and alcohol alone that's responsible for your present sorry state!"
"I'm glad to hear you say that," replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief. "Everybody else says it's all my fault!"

[BossMark]

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! what are 4, 2, 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

[Jimbuna]

A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey then looks into his pocket. He does this over and over again.
Finally, the bartender asks why he orders a shot of whiskey and afterwards look into his pocket.
The man responded, "I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then I'll go home."

[BossMark]

One day Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water to cook dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen. "Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him. "I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!" "Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!" "Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared as I am, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

[Jimbuna]

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?
"Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off." "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"

[BossMark]

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special target of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."