The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

[Jimbuna]

Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'.
He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'.
'Is it common?'I asked.
'It's not unusual' he replied.

[AVGWarhawk]

Two Irishmen walked out of a bar. Really, it can happen.

[Jimbuna]

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

[Jimbuna]

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.''

[Jimbuna]

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

[BossMark]

Bob, Rob, and Robert live on the six hundredth floor of an apartment building. One day, the elevators are broken, so they have to take the stairs. To entertain themselves, they decide that for the first 200 floors, Bob will tell happy stories, for the middle 200 floors, Rob will tell funny stories, and for the last 200 floors, Robert will tell sad stories. On the 401st floor, Robert says, "Here's my sad story: I left our apartment's keys in the car."

[Jimbuna]

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''

[Commander Wallace]

Two Irishman named Henry and Frank were sitting in a park when Frank tells Henry he has a terminal disease and will pass away in a few months. Frank asks, " Henry will you do me a favor and pour a pint of my favorite Irish whiskey on my grave every year on my birthday " ?

Henry considers Franks request for a moment and replies" Sure I will but do you mind if I drink it first " ?

[Jimbuna]

When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ''I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband''.

[Jimbuna]

''My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.''

[Jimbuna]

A farmer from Skipton sadly lost his wife. He contacted the Yorkshire Post to arrange an obituary. The couple had been happily married for 50 years before she passed away.

The farmer went to the newspaper office to make the arrangements. When informed of the cost, the man uttered, in true Yorkshire fashion, “ Ow Much? ”
“Ah want summat simple” he explained, “My Gladys were a gud ‘arted an’ ‘ard-workin’ Yorkshire lass but she wunt av wanted owt swanky.”

“Perhaps a small poem”, suggested the woman at the desk.

“Nay”, he said, “she wunt av wanted owt la-di-da. Just put, ‘Gladys Braithwaite died’”.

“You need to say when”, he was told by the receptionist.

“Do I? Well, put died 17th March. That'll do”.

“It is usual for the bereaved to add some meaningful phrase about the dearly departed”.

The man considered for a moment. “Well, put in, ‘Sadly missed’. That'll do”, he said.

“You can have another four words”, the woman explained.

“No, no”, he cried, “she wouldn' av wanted me to splash out”.

“The words are included in the standard price”, the woman informed him.

“Ah they? Tha means av paid for 'em?”.

“Yes, indeed sir”.

“Well, if av paid for 'em , am 'avin ‘em”

The obituary was duly printed as follows:

Gladys Braithwaite died, 17th March. Sadly missed. Also tractor for sale.

[GoldenRivet]

Oh my God Jim... my sides

[Jimbuna]

I rang up British Telecom, I said, ''I want to report a nuisance caller'', he said ''Not you again''.

[Jimbuna]

Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.