The joke thread - Page 574

Jimbuna · 01-29-16, 08:43 AM

Zoo keeper says to Paddy, "The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it. Would you consider it for 500 pounds?".

Paddy replies, "I will on 3 conditions:

1st I'm not going to kiss it.

2nd my family must never know.

3rd I'll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together!"

BossMark · 01-30-16, 06:37 AM

When I get home late from the pub.

I'm going to give my wife a right good listening to..

BossMark · 01-30-16, 07:20 AM

I've just been uninvited from a friends wedding.

Apparently RSVP'ing "Maybe Next Time" wasn't an acceptable response.

Sailor Steve · 01-30-16, 08:14 AM

The lady walking ahead of me sped up, so I did too. She started walking faster and faster, so I did too. Then she started running, so I did too. Then she started screaming, so I did too.

I don't know what we were running from, but I was terrified.

BossMark · 01-30-16, 10:00 AM

My old Mum used to say, "Always give your food a rinse before you eat it."

Lovely woman, terrible sandwiches.

Jimbuna · 01-30-16, 10:38 AM

I was talking to this girl the other day and asked what her name was.

She said, "It's Lynna".

I said, "That's an unusual name - you don't hear that every day."

To which she replied, "Actually, I do."

BossMark · 01-30-16, 12:42 PM

The year 2045:

"Dad, how did President Trump ever get elected?:

"Well, we were a bit distracted back then. That was the year adult coloring books came out."

Jimbuna · 01-30-16, 09:06 PM

A man was in front of a judge. The judge says to him, "You've been brought here for drinking."

The man says, "Okay, let's get started."

BossMark · 01-31-16, 08:57 AM

Poll: 70% of Americans say a Trump presidency would make them "anxious."

The other 30% say it would make them "Canadian."

Jimbuna · 01-31-16, 09:33 AM

I walked into the kitchen, and my wife was singing away.

I said, "Don't give up your day job."

She said, "There's nothing wrong with my voice."

I said, "No, not that. I've been sacked for punching the boss."

BossMark · 01-31-16, 10:39 AM

Remind me, if I'm ever in hospital, make sure I'm never surrounded by my friends and family.

It usually doesn't end well.

tomfon · 01-31-16, 10:46 AM

A man is talking to God.

- God how long is a million years?

- To me it's about a minute.

- God how much is a million dollars?

- To me it's a penny.

- God may I have a penny?

- Wait a minute.

BossMark · 01-31-16, 12:07 PM

My 6-year-old son asked, "Daddy, why do people pay tax?"

I replied, "Well son, we pay tax so that Amazon, Starbucks, Google and the Daily Mail don't have to."

BossMark · 02-01-16, 06:55 AM

I didn't realise how good I am on the phone until I found out my call to customer service may be used for training purposes.

Jimbuna · 02-01-16, 09:41 AM

Police are seeking a man who has so far stabbed six people to death with knitting needles all in the same area.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern..

01-29-16, 08:43 AM	#8596
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,080 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Zoo keeper says to Paddy, "The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it. Would you consider it for 500 pounds?". Paddy replies, "I will on 3 conditions: 1st I'm not going to kiss it. 2nd my family must never know. 3rd I'll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together!" __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-30-16, 06:37 AM	#8597
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	When I get home late from the pub. I'm going to give my wife a right good listening to.. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-30-16, 07:20 AM	#8598
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I've just been uninvited from a friends wedding. Apparently RSVP'ing "Maybe Next Time" wasn't an acceptable response. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-30-16, 08:14 AM	#8599
Sailor Steve Eternal Patrol Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: High in the mountains of Utah Posts: 50,369 Downloads: 745 Uploads: 249	The lady walking ahead of me sped up, so I did too. She started walking faster and faster, so I did too. Then she started running, so I did too. Then she started screaming, so I did too. I don't know what we were running from, but I was terrified. __________________ “Never do anything you can't take back.” —Rocky Russo

01-30-16, 10:00 AM	#8600
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My old Mum used to say, "Always give your food a rinse before you eat it." Lovely woman, terrible sandwiches. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-30-16, 10:38 AM	#8601
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,080 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I was talking to this girl the other day and asked what her name was. She said, "It's Lynna". I said, "That's an unusual name - you don't hear that every day." To which she replied, "Actually, I do." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-30-16, 12:42 PM	#8602
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	The year 2045: "Dad, how did President Trump ever get elected?: "Well, we were a bit distracted back then. That was the year adult coloring books came out." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-30-16, 09:06 PM	#8603
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,080 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	A man was in front of a judge. The judge says to him, "You've been brought here for drinking." The man says, "Okay, let's get started." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-31-16, 08:57 AM	#8604
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Poll: 70% of Americans say a Trump presidency would make them "anxious." The other 30% say it would make them "Canadian." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-31-16, 09:33 AM	#8605
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,080 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I walked into the kitchen, and my wife was singing away. I said, "Don't give up your day job." She said, "There's nothing wrong with my voice." I said, "No, not that. I've been sacked for punching the boss." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-31-16, 10:39 AM	#8606
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Remind me, if I'm ever in hospital, make sure I'm never surrounded by my friends and family. It usually doesn't end well. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-31-16, 10:46 AM	#8607
tomfon Grey Wolf Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: CK7662 Posts: 918 Downloads: 178 Uploads: 4	A man is talking to God. - God how long is a million years? - To me it's about a minute. - God how much is a million dollars? - To me it's a penny. - God may I have a penny? - Wait a minute. __________________ "I would rather have questions that can't be answered than answers which can't be questioned." - Richard P. Feynman [1918/1988] "I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed." - Michael Jordan "You don't even care. That's how much an impact the three-point shot has and it's evidenced by how everybody plays... There's no basketball anymore, there's no beauty in it. It's pretty boring. But it is what it is and you need to work with it." - Greg Popovich Mods for SH3

01-31-16, 12:07 PM	#8608
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My 6-year-old son asked, "Daddy, why do people pay tax?" I replied, "Well son, we pay tax so that Amazon, Starbucks, Google and the Daily Mail don't have to." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

02-01-16, 06:55 AM	#8609
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I didn't realise how good I am on the phone until I found out my call to customer service may be used for training purposes. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

02-01-16, 09:41 AM	#8610
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,080 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Police are seeking a man who has so far stabbed six people to death with knitting needles all in the same area. He seems to be following some sort of pattern.. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!