The joke thread - Page 567

BossMark · 12-30-15, 09:08 AM

Finally!

Just finished installing that bloody loft ladder!

Now

Instructions on how to climb it

Step 1

Step 2

Step 3

Step 4

Jimbuna · 12-31-15, 11:41 AM

I've finally decided on my New Year's resolution.

1920 x 1080.

BossMark · 01-01-16, 03:17 AM

It seems I've upset a number of people by letting fireworks off to celebrate the New Year.

In hindsight it may have been an idea if I had waited until I got off the train.

Buddahaid · 01-01-16, 04:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BossMark

It seems I've upset a number of people by letting fireworks off to celebrate the New Year.

In hindsight it may have been an idea if I had waited until I got off the train.

I snuck out to set off a pack of firecrackers only to see my neighbor rush out and toss an M1000. I was so outclassed...

Jimbuna · 01-01-16, 12:09 PM

Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Jimbuna · 01-02-16, 07:22 AM

I was pulled over by a police Car today.

The officer asked " Do you know why I've pulled you over sir?

"No officer" I replied.

"Well," he said. " This doesn't happen very often, but I've been following you for the last ten or so miles and your driving is exemplary. Correct road positioning, perfect observation and due regard for other road users."

"Thanks" I said. " So you reckon it's worth me getting a licence then officer?"

Jimbuna · 01-02-16, 07:30 AM

After my prostate exam, the doctor left. Then the nurse came.

At that point, she whispered the 5 words no man wants to hear: "Who the hell was that?"

BossMark · 01-03-16, 06:08 AM

I woke myself up by farting last night.

Plus, the neighbours won't show me their holiday snaps again.

Jimbuna · 01-03-16, 09:00 AM

- "What did your husband buy you for your anniversary?"
- "Can you see that silver BMW parked over there?"
- "Yeah... Gorgeous..."
- "He bought me the same colour apron..."

BossMark · 01-03-16, 10:15 AM

My kids told me next Christmas they want a real tree instead of the imaginary one we usually have.

Jimbuna · 01-03-16, 11:46 AM

If you choke a smurf. What colour does he turn?

BossMark · 01-04-16, 12:42 AM

"Are you coming to my fancy dress party?"

"I don't really do fancy dress."

"Oh come on, please, it'll be fun."

"Erm...ok."

"Cool. Who will you be?"

"The Invisible Man."

Jimbuna · 01-04-16, 06:59 AM

I asked a girl I was chatting to on the internet if she fancied meeting up.

She said, "I'm not sure.... What if you're some weirdo? I've never even seen you!"

"Wierdo? Don't be daft!" I replied. "Shall we meet by the Burger King in town at, say, seven?"

"Oh... Go on then!" she said. "I'll be wearing denim jeans and a yellow top so you can spot me."

"Fantastic!" I replied. "I'll be in a leather gimp suit and pink high heels."

BossMark · 01-04-16, 02:37 PM

I told my mum I had murdered someone the other day and she said I should turn myself in to the police.

I've put on a cop's uniform and it looks like suicide to me.

Jimbuna · 01-04-16, 03:26 PM

Financial Advice in these dark times.

If you had purchased £1000 of Northern Rock shares one year ago, it would now be worth £4.95.

With HBOS, earlier this week, your £1000 would have been worth £16.50.

£1000 invested in XL Leisure would now be worth less than £5.

But if you bought £1000 worth of Tennents Lager one year ago, drank it all, then took the empty cans to an aluminium recycling plant, you would get £214.

So, based on the above statistics, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

12-30-15, 09:08 AM	#8491
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Finally! Just finished installing that bloody loft ladder! Now Instructions on how to climb it Step 1 Step 2 Step 3 Step 4 __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

12-31-15, 11:41 AM	#8492
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,080 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I've finally decided on my New Year's resolution. 1920 x 1080. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-01-16, 03:17 AM	#8493
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	It seems I've upset a number of people by letting fireworks off to celebrate the New Year. In hindsight it may have been an idea if I had waited until I got off the train. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-01-16, 12:09 PM	#8495
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,080 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: That happens in every country, son. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-02-16, 07:22 AM	#8496
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,080 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I was pulled over by a police Car today. The officer asked " Do you know why I've pulled you over sir? "No officer" I replied. "Well," he said. " This doesn't happen very often, but I've been following you for the last ten or so miles and your driving is exemplary. Correct road positioning, perfect observation and due regard for other road users." "Thanks" I said. " So you reckon it's worth me getting a licence then officer?" __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-02-16, 07:30 AM	#8497
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,080 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	After my prostate exam, the doctor left. Then the nurse came. At that point, she whispered the 5 words no man wants to hear: "Who the hell was that?" __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-03-16, 06:08 AM	#8498
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I woke myself up by farting last night. Plus, the neighbours won't show me their holiday snaps again. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-03-16, 09:00 AM	#8499
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,080 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	- "What did your husband buy you for your anniversary?" - "Can you see that silver BMW parked over there?" - "Yeah... Gorgeous..." - "He bought me the same colour apron..." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-03-16, 10:15 AM	#8500
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My kids told me next Christmas they want a real tree instead of the imaginary one we usually have. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-03-16, 11:46 AM	#8501
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,080 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	If you choke a smurf. What colour does he turn? __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-04-16, 12:42 AM	#8502
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	"Are you coming to my fancy dress party?" "I don't really do fancy dress." "Oh come on, please, it'll be fun." "Erm...ok." "Cool. Who will you be?" "The Invisible Man." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-04-16, 06:59 AM	#8503
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,080 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I asked a girl I was chatting to on the internet if she fancied meeting up. She said, "I'm not sure.... What if you're some weirdo? I've never even seen you!" "Wierdo? Don't be daft!" I replied. "Shall we meet by the Burger King in town at, say, seven?" "Oh... Go on then!" she said. "I'll be wearing denim jeans and a yellow top so you can spot me." "Fantastic!" I replied. "I'll be in a leather gimp suit and pink high heels." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-04-16, 02:37 PM	#8504
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I told my mum I had murdered someone the other day and she said I should turn myself in to the police. I've put on a cop's uniform and it looks like suicide to me. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-04-16, 03:26 PM	#8505
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,080 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Financial Advice in these dark times. If you had purchased £1000 of Northern Rock shares one year ago, it would now be worth £4.95. With HBOS, earlier this week, your £1000 would have been worth £16.50. £1000 invested in XL Leisure would now be worth less than £5. But if you bought £1000 worth of Tennents Lager one year ago, drank it all, then took the empty cans to an aluminium recycling plant, you would get £214. So, based on the above statistics, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!