The joke thread

[BossMark]

"I got caught short today whilst I was out and had to take a crap in the bushes" I said to my friend

"Where were you?" he asked

"At the garden centre" I replied

[Jimbuna]

Husband: Your a abcdefghijk wife!
Wife: Oh why?
Husband: You are adorable, beautiful, cute, dim[in a nice way], elegent, funny, great, happy wife.
Wife: Oh well what does ijk stand for?
Husband: I'm just kidding.

[Jimbuna]

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things. I just won a million dollar slot machine jackpot!"
Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

[Jimbuna]

I said to my father: "Dad, I want to get married."
He said: "Alright son, who do you want to marry?"
I said: "I'd like to marry Miss Green".
He said: "You can't".
I said: "Why not?"
He said: "She's your half-sister. When I was a lad I had a bike and I got around a bit."
I said: "Alright, I'll marry Miss White."
He said: "You can't, she's your half-sister. Forget about it."
Well, I was a bit despondent and I walked around and my mum said to me: "What's wrong with you?"
I said: "Well, I said to Dad I wanted to marry Miss Green and he said I couldn't because she's my half-sister. I said, "All right, I'll marry Miss White." He said: 'You can't, she's your half-sister."
She said: "Look, you go and marry which one you like. He's not your father anyway!"

[BossMark]

Walking into the shop and placing the bag on the counter, I said to the cashier, "I'd like to return this please".

"Is there anything wrong with the item?", she asked.

"No, nothing", I replied. "It's hardly been used and I just no longer need it."

"Sir, this bag is empty", the cashier exclaimed.

"That's right", I said. "I'd like my bloody five pence".

[BossMark]

My wife came home to find me cuddling a new puppy.

"I thought we weren't having one, " she said. "OK, you feed it, clean it look after it and don't ask me to pay for it. "

Six months later I got home from taking the dog out and she greeted me with a fantastic smile. "Darling, I'm pregnant. " She said.

"I thought we weren't having one, " I said. "OK, you feed it, clean it look after it and don't ask me to pay for it. "

[Jimbuna]

I had an argument down the pub with an American about metric and imperial measurements, trying to explain to the idiot that he's living in the dark ages and it's much easier to use centimetres than inches and kilos rather than pounds and ounces, dividing stuff by 10 is better than trying to work out what 11/16th is or whatever.
Any way, once we had calmed down a bit, to show there were no hard feelings I bought him a pint.

[Jimbuna]

So alcohol producers are to be forced into putting warning labels on their products similar to the tobacco industry. What odds can you get on Stella going with "May cause severe bruising to your wife"

[BossMark]

My doctor asked me if I was sexually active.

I said, "Define active. There are volcanoes classed as active that haven't gone off in centuries."

[Jimbuna]

An abstract painting sold for £16million at Sotheby's yesterday.

When asked what the picture represented, the artist replied, "How a fool and his money are soon parted."

[BossMark]

Got into a spot of bother with my mandatory drugs test at work today.

According to the results, I'm a Russian Olympian.

[Jimbuna]

"Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?" I asked my boss.

"Just pop it in the corner," he said.

It took me three hours.

[BossMark]

BBC NEWS - Sepp Blatter admitted to hospital

Well, at least he's admitted to something...

[BossMark]

I asked my next door neighbour why he had number thirty four painted on his bin when he lived at number eight,

"It's so the binmen will leave it near my house after they have emptied it, " he replied.

[Jimbuna]

I bought some bird seed and planted it.

Still no birds.