The joke thread - Page 556

BossMark · 10-28-15, 05:29 AM

My girlfriend asked me earlier when I last had sex with someone that wasn't her, I said:

"Back in 08."

It sounds much better than 'August'.

Jimbuna · 10-28-15, 09:22 AM

Wife: "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."
Husband: (smirks)
Wife: "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"
Husband: "Absolutely not,"
Wife: "How Sweet!"
Husband: "The season's more than half over!"

BossMark · 10-28-15, 11:25 AM

In a meeting before work today the shift manager briefed all staff there was to be no more chewing on site...

Lunch time in the canteen three blonde birds were rushed to hospital after choking on their lunch.

BossMark · 10-29-15, 12:46 AM

Talk-Talk have sacked their director of IT following the huge data security breach.

They are now recruiting for a new global director of IT, applicants must be 15 or under

Jimbuna · 10-29-15, 08:31 AM

A woman was taking a shower, in the upstairs bathroom, she gets finished and puts on a towel over her.
Her husband takes a shower right after her.
When the husband walks in to take a shower the doorbell rings. So the woman goes to answer the door ... It is there next door neighbor (Stan) she answers the door Stan says " ill give u $800 if u drop that towel" so she did and Stan gave her $800.
Stan leaves and the woman walks back upstairs.
Her husband asks..."who was that hunny" and she says" oh it was just Stan" The husbands asks " did he mention anything about that $800 dollars he owes me?"

BossMark · 10-29-15, 08:39 AM

A man goes into a library and asks for a book about Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat.

The librarian says, "It rings a bell, but I don't know whether it's there or not."

Jimbuna · 10-29-15, 08:49 AM

If I became Prime Minister of this country, the first thing I'd do is declare war on and conquer Nigeria and take their oil.

Well, why not? Just look at how stupid their politicians, bankers and high-ranking armed forces dignitaries are. Everyone knows they keep offering to put millions in strangers' bank accounts for absolutely nothing...

BossMark · 10-29-15, 11:16 AM

"Give me a T."

"T"

"Give me a T."

"T"

"Oh, sod it. I'll go to another café."

BossMark · 10-29-15, 12:10 PM

I am so poor, I can't even pay attention

BossMark · 10-30-15, 02:04 AM

Halloween must be a great time of the year for Jehovah's Witnesses.

All they have to do is wear a mask and then the chances of somebody actually opening the door improve dramatically.

Jimbuna · 10-30-15, 07:29 AM

I couldn't collect my glasses from the opticians earlier as I forgot to bring along any proof of identification, which ironically was quite short-sighted of me.

BossMark · 10-30-15, 09:06 AM

Authorities in Beijing have advised that the Earthquake felt by millions last night was nothing to worry about.

It was just the start of China's 2 child policy.

Jimbuna · 10-31-15, 10:51 AM

I've spent all day searching for a U2 CD...

...but I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

BossMark · 10-31-15, 11:31 AM

After being voted woman of the year Caitlin Jenner has vowed to promote everything that is great about women.

Cool, I shall look forward to her having a baby.

Jimbuna · 11-01-15, 08:32 AM

Three kids in a playground talking about their dads and how great they are.

The first one says, "My dad is the fastest man in the world, he can outrun a tiger."

The second says, "Mine can outrun a cheetah, he's so quick."

The third is unimpressed and laughs, "Mine works for the council, so he's the fastest."

"How?" the others ask.

"He finishes work at 5.30 but he's home by 2.

10-28-15, 05:29 AM	#8326
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My girlfriend asked me earlier when I last had sex with someone that wasn't her, I said: "Back in 08." It sounds much better than 'August'. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-28-15, 09:22 AM	#8327
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,484 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Wife: "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium." Husband: (smirks) Wife: "Would you swap me for a season ticket?" Husband: "Absolutely not," Wife: "How Sweet!" Husband: "The season's more than half over!" __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

10-28-15, 11:25 AM	#8328
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	In a meeting before work today the shift manager briefed all staff there was to be no more chewing on site... Lunch time in the canteen three blonde birds were rushed to hospital after choking on their lunch. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-29-15, 12:46 AM	#8329
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Talk-Talk have sacked their director of IT following the huge data security breach. They are now recruiting for a new global director of IT, applicants must be 15 or under __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-29-15, 08:31 AM	#8330
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,484 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	A woman was taking a shower, in the upstairs bathroom, she gets finished and puts on a towel over her. Her husband takes a shower right after her. When the husband walks in to take a shower the doorbell rings. So the woman goes to answer the door ... It is there next door neighbor (Stan) she answers the door Stan says " ill give u $800 if u drop that towel" so she did and Stan gave her $800. Stan leaves and the woman walks back upstairs. Her husband asks..."who was that hunny" and she says" oh it was just Stan" The husbands asks " did he mention anything about that $800 dollars he owes me?" __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

10-29-15, 08:39 AM	#8331
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	A man goes into a library and asks for a book about Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat. The librarian says, "It rings a bell, but I don't know whether it's there or not." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-29-15, 08:49 AM	#8332
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,484 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	If I became Prime Minister of this country, the first thing I'd do is declare war on and conquer Nigeria and take their oil. Well, why not? Just look at how stupid their politicians, bankers and high-ranking armed forces dignitaries are. Everyone knows they keep offering to put millions in strangers' bank accounts for absolutely nothing... __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

10-29-15, 11:16 AM	#8333
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	"Give me a T." "T" "Give me a T." "T" "Oh, sod it. I'll go to another café." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-29-15, 12:10 PM	#8334
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I am so poor, I can't even pay attention __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-30-15, 02:04 AM	#8335
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Halloween must be a great time of the year for Jehovah's Witnesses. All they have to do is wear a mask and then the chances of somebody actually opening the door improve dramatically. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-30-15, 07:29 AM	#8336
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,484 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I couldn't collect my glasses from the opticians earlier as I forgot to bring along any proof of identification, which ironically was quite short-sighted of me. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

10-30-15, 09:06 AM	#8337
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Authorities in Beijing have advised that the Earthquake felt by millions last night was nothing to worry about. It was just the start of China's 2 child policy. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-31-15, 10:51 AM	#8338
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,484 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I've spent all day searching for a U2 CD... ...but I still haven't found what I'm looking for. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

10-31-15, 11:31 AM	#8339
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	After being voted woman of the year Caitlin Jenner has vowed to promote everything that is great about women. Cool, I shall look forward to her having a baby. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

11-01-15, 08:32 AM	#8340
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,484 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Three kids in a playground talking about their dads and how great they are. The first one says, "My dad is the fastest man in the world, he can outrun a tiger." The second says, "Mine can outrun a cheetah, he's so quick." The third is unimpressed and laughs, "Mine works for the council, so he's the fastest." "How?" the others ask. "He finishes work at 5.30 but he's home by 2. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!