The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger frantically jumps up, removes all her clothing and announces,

"If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone on this plane who is man enough?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this."

[BossMark]

They say you should dance like no one is watching.

But everyone was very rude to me at my mother in law's funeral.

[BossMark]

I went by the house where I grew up today and asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face.

My parents can be so bloody rude.

[Jimbuna]

Phones nowadays are so expensive, when you fall and hear a crack, you pray it's your leg.

[BossMark]

A biscuit that survived the sinking of the Titanic in 1912 was sold for £15,000 yesterday.
I wonder if British Rail are going to auction a few of their pork pies in response.

[BossMark]

"If women ruled the world," said my wife, "there'd be no wars."

"That's true," I replied. "Wars require strategy and logic."

[Jimbuna]

A police officer is parked outside a bar one night when he sees a drunk man stumble out the door. The man staggers through the parking lot and falls down. He tries his keys in five different cars before getting in and driving off. The cop immediately pulls him over and makes the man take a breathalyser test. The man blows a 0.0.

"This thing must be broken," the cop says.

The man responds, "Nope, tonight I'm the designated decoy!"

[BossMark]

My wife said to me, "What shall we do today?"

I said, "I'm doing sod all, it's Sunday."

She said, "Let's go to my mother's."

I jumped out of bed and said, "I'll start decorating the whole house."

[Jimbuna]

My son asked me the other day why his mother was no longer with us.
I replied. "Well son, why did the chicken cross the road?"
"To get to the other side."
"That's right. So, like the chicken, mummy's gone to the other side; except she only made it about halfway across the road."

[BossMark]

"Dad, as it's my birthday soon, please could you get me some pedals for my guitar. " Said my teenage lad.

"Sure son, " I replied, "I'll pop by the bike shop tomorrow and get you a pair. "

[Jimbuna]

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.
After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"

[BossMark]

Effective ways to avoid cancer:

1. Avoid processed foods, particularly red meats.
2. Refrain from smoking or heavy drinking.
3. Get plenty of sun, but not too much.
4. Be a tree.

[Jimbuna]

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.
"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.
"Yes, I do," she replied.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making out?"
"Yes, I remember."
"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?'"
"Yes, I do," she said.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know...I would have gotten out today."

[BossMark]

In the light of recent evidence, which states bacon and sausages cause cancer.

I have decided to cut down on reading newspapers.

[Jimbuna]

After being married for 30 years, a man took a look at his wife and said, "Honey, do you realize 30 years ago, I had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a pull out bed and watched a 13 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 21 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 51 year old blonde. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
Now the wife, a very reasonable woman, told him to go out and find a hot 21 year old blonde, and she would make sure that he would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and if he was lucky he would have a small television to watch.