The joke thread

[BossMark]

After coming home from work early yesterday, I saw a brand new pair of men's trainers at the bottom of the stairs. I quietly crept back out of the house in total disbelief.

The wife did listen when I told her what I wanted for my birthday.

[Jimbuna]

It has been announced that , while on a state visit to Britain from 20th-23rd October ,the President of China will stay overnight at Buckingham Palace.

It has also been announced , that Prince Philip will not.

[BossMark]

My girlfriend's dog came running up to us for a cuddle.

"I love you Freddy," she said, stroking his fur.

"I love him more than you," I replied.

She said, "I don't think so, I definitely love him most."

I said, "You misunderstood me."

[Jimbuna]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind a third time to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends!"

[BossMark]

On hearing that Newcastle United's tea lady Kath Cassidy was retiring after 52 years of service, I decided to calculate how many cups she would have seen in that time.

None.

[Jimbuna]

MIRROR NEWS: Britain to expect 36 days of snow over the Christmas period....

Although the Tories will probably cut that to 18 days.

[BossMark]

I've got the license to kill.

I've been granted American citizenship.

[Jimbuna]

Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said Little Johnny.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, now he's a little angry, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

[Sailor Steve]

Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist?

He got off on a technicality.

[BossMark]

I went on a first date with a girl from Essex last night.

"Listen, I'm not going to be a one night stand and another notch on your bedpost, I'm looking for a relationship. If that's all your after then you might as well go now."

"Fair enough," she said.

[Jimbuna]

Hello? Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is mommy near the phone?
No, daddy. Shes upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.
After a brief pause, daddy say but honey you don't have an Uncle Paul.
Oh yes I do, & hes upstairs in the room with mommy right now.
Brief pause.
Uh ok then I want you to put the phone down & run upstairs & knock on the door & shout to mommy that daddys car just pulled up.
Ok daddy just a min.
A few min later the lil girl comes back to the phone.
I did it daddy.
And what happened honey?
Well mommy got scared, jumped outta bed naked & ran round screamin then tripped on the rug, hit her head on the dresser & now she isnt movin at all! OMG!!! What bout your uncle Paul?
He jumped outta the back window into the pool. But I guess he didnt know you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of it and I think hes dead!
Real long pause!
Then daddy says, Swimmin pool? Is this 486-5732?
Lil girl says No I think you have the wrong number.

[BossMark]

Oscar Pistorius will be celebrating his release to home arrest by getting legless and doing some shots in the bathroom.

[Jimbuna]

I have a claim to fame you know...

I used to be the world's youngest person.

[BossMark]

My ugly neighbour just walked past as I was trying to put out the fire I'd accidentally started in my wheelie bin...

She said, "Bonfire night isn't for another two weeks."

"Neither is Halloween," I replied.

That shut her up.

[GoldenRivet]

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

Hello? Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is mommy near the phone?
No, daddy. Shes upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.
After a brief pause, daddy say but honey you don't have an Uncle Paul.
Oh yes I do, & hes upstairs in the room with mommy right now.
Brief pause.
Uh ok then I want you to put the phone down & run upstairs & knock on the door & shout to mommy that daddys car just pulled up.
Ok daddy just a min.
A few min later the lil girl comes back to the phone.
I did it daddy.
And what happened honey?
Well mommy got scared, jumped outta bed naked & ran round screamin then tripped on the rug, hit her head on the dresser & now she isnt movin at all! OMG!!! What bout your uncle Paul?
He jumped outta the back window into the pool. But I guess he didnt know you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of it and I think hes dead!
Real long pause!
Then daddy says, Swimmin pool? Is this 486-5732?
Lil girl says No I think you have the wrong number.

Im stealing that one!