The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter.
He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter.
Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?"
The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie."
The first man asks "Can I make a wish? "
Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing"
"Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants. The man says " I want a Million Bucks "
The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly overhead and the guy says to the other " Your genie really sucks at hearing does'nt he?"
The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"

[Jimbuna]

A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up. "Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling.
"Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.
The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow.
"What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman.
"Why?" he asked, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replied, "it's nowhere near long enough. It'll never reach!"
"No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite impressively long.
"Well," she said. "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow."
"No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went off together.
As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?" "Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the forehead and pulling my ears all night."

[BossMark]

I think most of you probably already know about the first rule of Assumption Club.

[Jimbuna]

This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck....."

[BossMark]

An Englishman walks into a bar.

Usually there's a Scotsman, Welshman & an Irishman in this gag too but they're still at the Rugby World Cup.

[BossMark]

Me and the wife have just been to the cinema to see that new film Suffragette.

Two hours of a woman's struggle... full of tears, aggression, sadness, anger and frustration.

Anyway, after she finally managed to park the car in the cinema car park, we rushed in and caught the credits.

[Jimbuna]

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven.
At the gates, Saint Peter tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention of the car changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven."
So Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I want to hang out with Adam, the first man."
So the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford.
When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, "Hey aren't you the inventor of woman?"
Adam says, "Yes."
"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1) There is too much front end protusion
2) It chatters at high speeds
3) The rear end wobbles too much
4) and the intake is too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmmmm.." says Adam, "hold on". So Adam goes to the celestial computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it. He then says to Ford, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."

[BossMark]

UK. Disabled means, mental or physical health problem.

USA. Disabled means, the police have taken my gun away.

[Jimbuna]

A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why.
She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad.
His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.
Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

[BossMark]

A man put his charity bucket in my face.

He said, "Do you wish to change the lives of those that are starving?"

I stopped and said, "Do you?"

"Do I?" he hesitated. "Of course I do."

I said, "Get the hell out my way, then, I want to buy my lunch."

[Jimbuna]

A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her blouse open. A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, "Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman's right breast is hanging out."
As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast is hanging out. When he gets face to face with her he says, "Ma'am, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?" "Well, your breast is hanging out." She looks down and says "OMIGOD, I left the baby on the bus!"

[BossMark]

Oscar Pistorius to be moved from prison to house arrest.

He shouldn't be able to get into too much trouble there.

[Jimbuna]

I am out watching the Birmingham International Half Marathon.
Locals say that they haven't seen people move this fast around here since Greggs did a half price sale.

[BossMark]

The knight approached the king and said, "Sire, we have spent the past two weeks destroying and pillaging the towns of your enemies to the West."
"What?" said the king, concerned. "I don't have any enemies in the West."
"Oh," said the knight. "Well, you do now."

[BossMark]

What's better than winning gold at the Paralympics?

Getting away with murder.