The joke thread - Page 550

BossMark · 10-05-15, 12:36 AM

Because ITV are showing all the Rugby World Cup games, the BBC have resorted to showing Gay Rugby instead, or "American Football" as it's otherwise known.

Jimbuna · 10-05-15, 10:39 AM

When asked about the reasons why he resigned, Sunderland manager Dick Advocaat said, "Someone poured lemonade over me and it just snowballed from there"

BossMark · 10-06-15, 12:39 AM

I just found a carrier bag with an England rugby shirt in it lying abandoned on the pavement - I can't believe it's been thrown away.

Those bags are worth 5p now!

Jimbuna · 10-06-15, 08:54 AM

I woke up from my anasthesia and saw my doctor standing over me, smoking a cigarette.

"Blimey!" I said. "You smoke, doc?"

"Yes," he said, smiling, "but only when I've had sex."

BossMark · 10-06-15, 10:43 AM

You have to feel sorry for Harrods.

Having to reduce their carrier bags to 5p.

Jimbuna · 10-06-15, 12:48 PM

How can people moan about five pence for a carrier bag?

I've paid a pound for every trolley in my garden.

BossMark · 10-07-15, 12:56 AM

I was at a funeral today and I asked the priest for the WiFi password.

"Have some respect for the dead!" He said.

"OK," I replied. "Is that all lower-case without spaces?"

BossMark · 10-07-15, 04:57 AM

Let us not forget the terrible event that occurred 56 years ago on this very day.

Simon Cowell was born.

Jimbuna · 10-07-15, 08:35 AM

I got a strange text this evening off a number I didn't know.

I replied, "Who's this?"

I got a message back saying, "Your worst nightmare."

Which left me a bit baffled as she was sitting next to me and hadn't moved the whole time.

BossMark · 10-07-15, 10:40 AM

I see the McCanns have closed their Twitter account.

Or maybe they just left their PC unattended...

Herr-Berbunch · 10-07-15, 11:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BossMark

Or maybe they just left their PC unattended...

That's ok, they'd have put it in to sleep mode first.

BossMark · 10-07-15, 11:42 PM

Congratulations to Tu Youyou on winning the Nobel Prize in Medicine and for being the most confusing person to sing Happy Birthday to.

Jimbuna · 10-08-15, 09:44 AM

Top Tip:

Forget rip off sites like Friends Reunited and Genes Reunited. If you want to get in contact with long lost friends or relatives...

Simply win the lottery.

BossMark · 10-08-15, 01:23 PM

My blonde girlfriend had just finished typing up her English paper, when she said, "I think there's something wrong with your printer."

I asked, "Oh, why's that?"

She replied, "It's not printing the red squiggly lines under all the words."

BossMark · 10-08-15, 11:38 PM

I was astonished when I heard that Sepp Blatter had appeared before the FIFA Ethics Committee.

FIFA has an Ethics Committee???

10-05-15, 12:36 AM	#8236
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Because ITV are showing all the Rugby World Cup games, the BBC have resorted to showing Gay Rugby instead, or "American Football" as it's otherwise known. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-05-15, 10:39 AM	#8237
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,014 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	When asked about the reasons why he resigned, Sunderland manager Dick Advocaat said, "Someone poured lemonade over me and it just snowballed from there" __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

10-06-15, 12:39 AM	#8238
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I just found a carrier bag with an England rugby shirt in it lying abandoned on the pavement - I can't believe it's been thrown away. Those bags are worth 5p now! __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-06-15, 08:54 AM	#8239
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,014 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I woke up from my anasthesia and saw my doctor standing over me, smoking a cigarette. "Blimey!" I said. "You smoke, doc?" "Yes," he said, smiling, "but only when I've had sex." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

10-06-15, 10:43 AM	#8240
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	You have to feel sorry for Harrods. Having to reduce their carrier bags to 5p. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-06-15, 12:48 PM	#8241
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,014 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	How can people moan about five pence for a carrier bag? I've paid a pound for every trolley in my garden. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

10-07-15, 12:56 AM	#8242
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I was at a funeral today and I asked the priest for the WiFi password. "Have some respect for the dead!" He said. "OK," I replied. "Is that all lower-case without spaces?" __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-07-15, 04:57 AM	#8243
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Let us not forget the terrible event that occurred 56 years ago on this very day. Simon Cowell was born. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-07-15, 08:35 AM	#8244
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,014 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I got a strange text this evening off a number I didn't know. I replied, "Who's this?" I got a message back saying, "Your worst nightmare." Which left me a bit baffled as she was sitting next to me and hadn't moved the whole time. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

10-07-15, 10:40 AM	#8245
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I see the McCanns have closed their Twitter account. Or maybe they just left their PC unattended... __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-07-15, 11:42 PM	#8247
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Congratulations to Tu Youyou on winning the Nobel Prize in Medicine and for being the most confusing person to sing Happy Birthday to. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-08-15, 09:44 AM	#8248
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,014 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Top Tip: Forget rip off sites like Friends Reunited and Genes Reunited. If you want to get in contact with long lost friends or relatives... Simply win the lottery. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

10-08-15, 01:23 PM	#8249
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My blonde girlfriend had just finished typing up her English paper, when she said, "I think there's something wrong with your printer." I asked, "Oh, why's that?" She replied, "It's not printing the red squiggly lines under all the words." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-08-15, 11:38 PM	#8250
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I was astonished when I heard that Sepp Blatter had appeared before the FIFA Ethics Committee. FIFA has an Ethics Committee??? __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now