The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

A customer walked into a pharmacy asking for a particular nasal spray. "You know, that brand is very addicting," the pharmacist her. "If it’s used for a prolonged period of time, your congestion can come back worse than before, prompting even further use."

"That’s ridiculous," scoffed the woman. "I’ve been using it every day for years."

[Jimbuna]

It had been a long time—seven years to be exact—since Brian had been to see his doctor. So the nurse told him that if he wanted to make an appointment, he would have to be reprocessed as a new patient.

"Okay," said Brian, "reprocess me."

"I’m sorry," she told him. "We’re not accepting any new patients right now."

[Jimbuna]

During a visit with my mother, who was in the hospital, I popped into the cafeteria for breakfast. I set a piece of bread on the moving toaster rack and waited for it to return golden brown. Instead, it got stuck all the way in the back. When I couldn’t reach it, the woman in line next to me took control of the situation. Seizing a pair of tongs, she reached in and deftly fished out the piece of toast. "You must be an emergency-room worker," I joked.

"No," she said, "an obstetrician."

[Jimbuna]

I was having some chest pains, but my cardiologist assured me nothing was wrong. Then I told him I was planning a cruise to Alaska and asked if he had any suggestions for avoiding the discomfort.

"Have fun," he said with a straight face, "but don’t go overboard."

[Jimbuna]

Our Lamaze class included a tour of the pediatric wing at the hospital. When a new baby was brought into the nursery, all the women tried to guess its weight, but the guy standing next to me was the only male to venture a number. "Looks like 9 1⁄2 pounds," he offered confidently.

"This must not be your first," I said.

"Oh, yes, it’s my first."

"Then how would you know the weight of a baby?"

He shrugged. "I’m a fisherman."

[Jimbuna]

I was hospitalized with an awful sinus infection that caused the entire left side of my face to swell. On the third day, the nurse led me to believe that I was finally recovering when she announced excitedly, "Look, your wrinkles are coming back!"

[Jimbuna]

Doctors are used to getting calls at any hour. One night a man phoned, waking me up. "I’m sorry to bother you so late," he said, "but I think my wife has appendicitis."

Still half asleep, I reminded him that I had taken his wife’s inflamed appendix out a couple of years before. "Whoever heard of a second appendix?" I asked.

"You may not have heard of a second appendix," he replied, "but surely you’ve heard of a second wife."

[Eisenwurst]

This is not a joke, but an embarrassing story that's funny in retrospect.

This happened in the early 1980s. It was legal then in Australia for video libraries to have porn on their shelves available for rental. Then the government cracked down really hard.

A good friend of mine, Juli, worked in a video library close to where I used to work. One day they get a tip off that the cops were gonna raid them the next day. So they load all the porn into their car boots/trunks to keep at home till things settle down.

Poor Juli didn't have a car, so she stuffed as much as she could into her backpack - the thing was really bulging - and caught the bus home.

The bus was crowded and she had to stand. The bus lurched and Juli fell down and the backpack came open and all the videos with their lurid/no holds barred covers spilled out onto the floor. The poor girl went as red as a beetroot as she scrambled to pick them all up.

An old lady picked one up and handed it to her, shaking her head in disapproval. Juli went even more crimson, but quick as a flash she said - "You know, there's just nothing decent to watch on Telly these days".

[Jimbuna]

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet—who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked if his wife was meeting him. "I don’t know," he said. "She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

[Platapus]

A stewardess was watching over her passengers when an announcement over the PA. It became immediately clear that the pilot was accidentally broadcasting as he said


"Ya know, Jim, after a flight like this, all I want is a cold beer and a hot woman"


In a panic, the stewardess rushed forward to tell the pilot about the mistake when she heard one of the passengers say


"Excuse me, Miss, but you forgot his beer"

[Jimbuna]

Ever wonder what medical personnel scribble on those clipboards attached to the foot of the bed? Here are some incredible comments taken from hospital charts:

"The patient refused autopsy."

"The patient has no previous history of suicides."

"She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night."

"She is numb from her toes down."

"Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities."

"Discharge status: Alive but without my permission."

[Jimbuna]

As an obstetrician, I sometimes see unusual tattoos when working in labour and delivery. One patient had some type of fish tattoo on her abdomen. "That sure is a pretty whale," I commented.

With a smile she replied, "It used to be a dolphin."

[Jimbuna]

I was on duty as an emergency-room technician when a father brought in his son, who had poked a tyre from one of his toy trucks up his nose. The man was embarrassed, but I assured him this was something kids often do. I quickly removed the tyre and they were on their way. A few minutes later, the father was back in the ER asking to talk to me in private.

Mystified, I led him to an examining room. "While we were on our way home," he began, "I was looking at that little tyre and wondering, how on earth did my son get this thing stuck up his nose and…"

It took just a few seconds to get the tyre out of Dad’s nose.

[Jimbuna]

At a busy dental office, one patient was always late. Once when called to confirm an appointment, he said, “I’ll be about 15 minutes late. That won’t be a problem, will it?”

“No,” He was told. “We just won’t have time to give you an anesthetic.”

He arrived early.

[Jimbuna]

I hate the idea of going under the knife. So I was very upset when the doctor told me I needed a tonsillectomy. Later, the nurse and I were filling out an admission form. I tried to respond to the questions, but I was so nervous I couldn’t speak. The nurse put down the form, took my hands in hers and said, "Don’t worry. This medical problem can easily be fixed, and it’s not a dangerous procedure."

"You’re right. I’m being silly," I said, feeling relieved. "Please continue."

"Good. Now," the nurse went on, "do you have a living will?"