The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

Leeds United boast more websites than any other football club, over a thousand in fact, and you can locate them all inside their trophy cabinet.

[BossMark]

They say a dog is a man's best friend...

I'm undecided now, after the mess my Jack Russell made of his speech at my wedding.

[Jimbuna]

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, my wife and I listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men: "Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?"

I leaned over, touched my wife's arm gently and whispered, "Self-raising, isn't it?"

[BossMark]

Running water found on Mars.

The water board has announced that a meter will be installed next week.

[Jimbuna]

My wife is like a luxury German car. She emits gases then denies it.

[Jimbuna]

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

[BossMark]

My wife said to me, "If you go to the pub again tonight you can forget about sex with me".

The hard part is saving the fist pump until I'm outside.

[Jimbuna]

At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Senor Humphrey? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody senor. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Mr. Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"

"Your mother's. She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."

THERE WAS A LONG SILENCE....................





"Ernesto if you broke that driver you're fired!"

[BossMark]

"Are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet? "

"No dad were not, but please stop for a fag, you're driving us mad. "

[BossMark]

I think that Apple products are the best in the world.

There's nothing better than getting pissed on cider.

[Jimbuna]

An Irish woman is cleaning her husband's rifle and accidentally shoots him.She immediately dials the emergency service.......

Irish woman:"Its my husband!!! I've accidentally shot him,i think I've killed him!!!

Operator:"Please calm down mam,can you first make sure he is actually dead!"

*Click* *BANG*

Irish woman:Okay, I've done dat.......................What's next?????

[BossMark]

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."

"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

[BossMark]

It's a leap year next year. What's Bet365 going to do about that, eh?

[Jimbuna]

England RFC have decided not to sell the team bus.
They will use it for a visit to Longleats safari Park as that's the only LIONS TOUR they will be seeing.

[Jimbuna]

My wife told me that she'd take me to the cleaners in our divorce. "Why?" I asked, "cleaning is your job."