The joke thread - Page 545

BossMark · 09-03-15, 12:46 PM

Watching the news today made me realise just how lucky I am.

Everyone else in the street has a power cut.

BossMark · 09-04-15, 03:17 AM

My mate was telling me he had found his 'forever woman'.

"I found mine years ago, " I said. "Forever moaning, forever eating, forever nagging..."

Jimbuna · 09-04-15, 07:14 AM

So a passenger was forced to land a plane after the pilot fell ill at the controls.

Ryanair have since charged the passenger for his seat upgrade.

BossMark · 09-04-15, 11:26 AM

"How did your grammar competition go?"

I losed.

BossMark · 09-05-15, 02:04 AM

Customer: "Would you like to know how you can sell a lot more coffee?"

Starbucks Owner: "Yes of course. How?"

Customer: "By selling a lot less froth".

Jimbuna · 09-05-15, 09:06 AM

This Christmas naughty children will be receiving Euros instead of that expensive lump of coal.

BossMark · 09-05-15, 11:51 AM

The papers report that a marksman has been hired to shoot contraceptive darts into wild horses to stop them over-breeding and destroying the landscape.

Surely he would be better employed in town centres on Friday nights.

BossMark · 09-06-15, 02:19 AM

What do you get if you cross a pigeon with a parrot?

Voice mail.

Jimbuna · 09-06-15, 07:17 AM

"So could you give us your version of events?" Said the police in the interview room, after my arrest following my wife's murder.

"Well she told me she had been having an affair with the neighbour and I just lost it." I told them. "First came the argument, louder and more evil insults were getting flung around and it wasn't long before it turned into a fight. I slammed the sole of my foot into her knee, pushed right through it, dropping her down instantly. I thought her screams would attract attention, so I dropped to my own knees, right onto her chest, severely winding her.
I was on fire then, so I grabbed her hair, slammed her head into the kitchen floor a couple of times and gouged out both her eyes. Then for good measure I squirted superglue all up her nose and over her lips to suffocate her. I couldn't just calm down though and I grabbed a big heavy frying pan and for a good twenty minutes just kept slamming it down on her cheating crotch, belly, chest, throat, face and skull."

"Dear god!" Croaked one visibly upset copper, "Why?"

"It was stuck to my hand."

BossMark · 09-07-15, 01:19 PM

"Why do you always treat me like a kid?" asked my wife.

"Good question, love," I said, "but next time raise your hand before you ask me a question."

Jimbuna · 09-07-15, 02:18 PM

If you see a cinema in Soho which claims to be showing Free Willy, don't go in.

It's not a cinema.

BossMark · 09-08-15, 04:01 AM

Selling a pair of jeans on ebay and the buyer asks if they're pet and smoke free

I told her if the dog was able to walk around in jeans and smoke I wouldn't need to sell crap on ebay.

Jimbuna · 09-08-15, 07:17 AM

My wife got back from shopping and said to me:
"I spent 10 minutes trying to unlock someone else's car earlier. I swear, sometimes I think I'm retarded, haha!"

"Don't worry, I do that all the time!" I replied.

"What? Mix up our car with a different one?" she said.

"No, think you're retarded."

BossMark · 09-08-15, 10:27 AM

Fresh calls have gone out for military intervention in Syria after it was revealed that Bono is in talks with them to release a charity single in a matter of weeks.

BossMark · 09-08-15, 11:04 AM

Sky Sports News; Iceland qualifies for Euro 2016.

In other news, Wayne Rooney is worried England will be drawn in the same group as either Tesco or Asda.

09-03-15, 12:46 PM	#8161
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Watching the news today made me realise just how lucky I am. Everyone else in the street has a power cut. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

09-04-15, 03:17 AM	#8162
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My mate was telling me he had found his 'forever woman'. "I found mine years ago, " I said. "Forever moaning, forever eating, forever nagging..." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

09-04-15, 07:14 AM	#8163
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,437 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	So a passenger was forced to land a plane after the pilot fell ill at the controls. Ryanair have since charged the passenger for his seat upgrade. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

09-04-15, 11:26 AM	#8164
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	"How did your grammar competition go?" I losed. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

09-05-15, 02:04 AM	#8165
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Customer: "Would you like to know how you can sell a lot more coffee?" Starbucks Owner: "Yes of course. How?" Customer: "By selling a lot less froth". __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

09-05-15, 09:06 AM	#8166
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,437 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	This Christmas naughty children will be receiving Euros instead of that expensive lump of coal. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

09-05-15, 11:51 AM	#8167
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	The papers report that a marksman has been hired to shoot contraceptive darts into wild horses to stop them over-breeding and destroying the landscape. Surely he would be better employed in town centres on Friday nights. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

09-06-15, 02:19 AM	#8168
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	What do you get if you cross a pigeon with a parrot? Voice mail. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

09-06-15, 07:17 AM	#8169
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,437 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	"So could you give us your version of events?" Said the police in the interview room, after my arrest following my wife's murder. "Well she told me she had been having an affair with the neighbour and I just lost it." I told them. "First came the argument, louder and more evil insults were getting flung around and it wasn't long before it turned into a fight. I slammed the sole of my foot into her knee, pushed right through it, dropping her down instantly. I thought her screams would attract attention, so I dropped to my own knees, right onto her chest, severely winding her. I was on fire then, so I grabbed her hair, slammed her head into the kitchen floor a couple of times and gouged out both her eyes. Then for good measure I squirted superglue all up her nose and over her lips to suffocate her. I couldn't just calm down though and I grabbed a big heavy frying pan and for a good twenty minutes just kept slamming it down on her cheating crotch, belly, chest, throat, face and skull." "Dear god!" Croaked one visibly upset copper, "Why?" "It was stuck to my hand." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

09-07-15, 01:19 PM	#8170
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	"Why do you always treat me like a kid?" asked my wife. "Good question, love," I said, "but next time raise your hand before you ask me a question." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

09-07-15, 02:18 PM	#8171
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,437 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	If you see a cinema in Soho which claims to be showing Free Willy, don't go in. It's not a cinema. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

09-08-15, 04:01 AM	#8172
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Selling a pair of jeans on ebay and the buyer asks if they're pet and smoke free I told her if the dog was able to walk around in jeans and smoke I wouldn't need to sell crap on ebay. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

09-08-15, 07:17 AM	#8173
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,437 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My wife got back from shopping and said to me: "I spent 10 minutes trying to unlock someone else's car earlier. I swear, sometimes I think I'm retarded, haha!" "Don't worry, I do that all the time!" I replied. "What? Mix up our car with a different one?" she said. "No, think you're retarded." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

09-08-15, 10:27 AM	#8174
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Fresh calls have gone out for military intervention in Syria after it was revealed that Bono is in talks with them to release a charity single in a matter of weeks. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

09-08-15, 11:04 AM	#8175
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Sky Sports News; Iceland qualifies for Euro 2016. In other news, Wayne Rooney is worried England will be drawn in the same group as either Tesco or Asda. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now