The joke thread

[BossMark]

June Brown has announced that, at 88, she is going deaf and blind. She says she is looking forward to finally being able to sit through an entire episode of EastEnders.

[Jimbuna]

I surprised my wife with a poem today.

"Shall I compare thee to a Summer's Day?" I began.

"Awww. Go on then!" she winked.

"OK" I replied. "You're dull and miserable."

[BossMark]

I said to my wife, "I'll make the tea."

She said, "bloody hell, that's a first."

Four hours later I shouted from the kitchen, "Tea's ready."

She walked in mumbling, "About bloody time, I'm starving."

I said, "Do you want milk and sugar in yours?

[Jimbuna]

My wife asked why I carry a gun around the house.
"Decepticons" I told her.
She laughed, I laughed, the toaster and the coffee machine laughed too

[BossMark]

My wife started cooking for our guests and told me to prepare the table.

So I went in and told them all about her cooking.

[BossMark]

I witnessed a fire engine plough into a police car today.


I was going to call an ambulance, but that might've been asking for trouble.

[Jimbuna]

I stayed in a Turkish hotel whilst on holiday recently, it overlooked the sea.
Unfortunately, it also overlooked hygiene, good service and edible meals.

[Herr-Berbunch]

I can't stand people who think they're worse off than everyone else. My mate John lost both his legs and his voice in a tragic accident, but you never catch him making a song and dance about it.

[BossMark]

My mate has just got a job as a driver with Parcel Force. He said that on his first day on the job he was given a feather.

"What for?" I asked.

"It's what we use to knock on people's doors," he replied.

[Jimbuna]

After the leak of the hacked Ashley Madison adult dating website data I have discovered a long lost identical twin brother I didn't know I had. He even has the same name as me.

[BossMark]

Even though we've been married for years, I'm still living the single life.

crap food and no sex.

[Commander Wallace]

A man stopped at his local pub to have a few when he noticed an attractive woman and her friend eyeing him up. A short time later, she approached him and they started chatting. She discretely said " I will do anything you want for $ 20 dollars ". He thought a minute and put a $ 20 on the table and said " fine, go back to my place and clean my house "

[BossMark]

Caitlyn Jenner is distraught at the prospect of spending a year in a female prison.

Bruce Jenner is delighted his cunning plan could pay off.

[BossMark]

As Le President was keen to point out this morning, the real heroes of yesterday's train attack weren't the three arrogant Americans who overpowered the terrorist but the three hundred brave members of the French Resistance who created the necessary distraction by hiding under their seats and screaming. Vive la France

[Jimbuna]

I saw a bloke from my office on top of a multi-storey car park, threatening to jump off, so I asked a police officer if I could go up and talk to him.

"We've got specially trained officers talking to him right now, it's best if you wait down here," he said.

"Dave," I shouted up. "It's me, Pete from work. Will you move over just a little bit? You're directly above my car."