The joke thread

[BossMark]

I wonder who will be found first?
That American dentist who is in hiding after killing Cecil the lion or a British dentist still taking NHS patients.

[Jeff-Groves]

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

Two Yankee boys were driving through the South and was stopped by a State Trooper. The trooper walked up to the open driver’s window, reached in, and slapped the driver on the side of his head.
"What did you do that for?" the driver asked.
"I don’t know how yall do it up north but here in Alabama, you have your drivers license ready when I walk up to the car."
The trooper took the license when it was offered, walked back to his unit and then returned the license to the driver. He then walked around to the passenger side of the car and tapped on the window. When the passenger rolled the window down, the trooper reached in and slapped the passenger on the side of the head.
"What did you do that for?" asked the startled passenger.
"Well," responded the trooper, "I didn’t want you to be disappointed. You’ll get about two miles down the road and then say, 'I wish that redneck woulda tried that with me!'"

I prefer an earlier version post somewhere way back in this thread.

[Harvs]

Quazimodo decided to retire so he advertised his job in the local paper.a bloke turned up for an interview so Quazi took him up into the bell tower to try him out." Have you ever done this type of work before?" he asked " never " the bloke replied so Quazi proceeded to show him what to do. Quazi told the bloke to stand back, took a run up and headbutted the bell and the most amazing sound was heard throughout the land. Quazi now asked the bloke to give it a try so the bloke takes his run up, headbutts the bell but only a dull clang is heard.The bloke is still standing there when the bell swings back and smacks him right in the kisser,the most amazing sound is heard throughout the land and the bloke is launched out of the tower and plunges to his death. Quazi scurries down the stairs and by the time he gets outside a crowd has gathered and the police are there." do you know this man?" The policeman asks Quazi." not really " he replies " but his face rings a bell "

[Jimbuna]

Originally Posted by Harvs

Quazimodo decided to retire so he advertised his job in the local paper.a bloke turned up for an interview so Quazi took him up into the bell tower to try him out." Have you ever done this type of work before?" he asked " never " the bloke replied so Quazi proceeded to show him what to do. Quazi told the bloke to stand back, took a run up and headbutted the bell and the most amazing sound was heard throughout the land. Quazi now asked the bloke to give it a try so the bloke takes his run up, headbutts the bell but only a dull clang is heard.The bloke is still standing there when the bell swings back and smacks him right in the kisser,the most amazing sound is heard throughout the land and the bloke is launched out of the tower and plunges to his death. Quazi scurries down the stairs and by the time he gets outside a crowd has gathered and the police are there." do you know this man?" The policeman asks Quazi." not really " he replies " but his face rings a bell "

24th July #8008

[Jimbuna]

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....
The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away....
.
The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table....
.
The third man married a girl from Scotland . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates.....

[Sailor Steve]

Originally Posted by Jeff-Groves

I prefer an earlier version post somewhere way back in this thread.

Yeah, it's a joke I heard years ago and tell often, including posting here some in the deep dark past.

[BossMark]

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls
are getting on".

[Jimbuna]

My doctor has promised to cure my low blood pressure. He gave me a prescription to take to the newsagent.

"Don't you mean the chemist?" I asked.

"No," he said, "it's a year's subscription to the Daily Mail."

[BossMark]

As I left Liverpool after my annual visit to the in laws, I started to really miss certain things.
Namely my watch, phone and wallet.

[Jimbuna]

A young woman goes into the butcher's shop with her baby:

"My scales have broken down. Do you think you could weigh my baby for me?"

The butcher takes the baby into a side room and returns after a while with a plastic bag:

"3545 grams ... without bones."

[BossMark]

England and France have pleaded with UNICEF's Angelina Jolie to tackle the immigration problem by visiting Calais and adopting them all.

[BossMark]

Someone accused me of not knowing the concept of Skype.

I said, "Watch who you're talking to!"

[Oberon]

Australias current batting.

[BossMark]

Originally Posted by Oberon

Australias current batting.

60 all out

[Jimbuna]

Originally Posted by Oberon

Australias current batting.

Aye, thoroughly enjoyable watching