The joke thread - Page 533

BossMark · 07-18-15, 01:37 AM

My driving instructor told me to pull over somewhere safe.

Two minutes later he said, "Why haven't you pulled over yet?"

I said, "Because we're still in Newcastle."

Jimbuna · 07-18-15, 06:13 AM

As the executioner picked up the axe, I said, "I thought I was to be hanged. Are you going to chop off my head?"

"No, your legs," he replied. "The rope is too long."

BossMark · 07-18-15, 06:46 AM

"Nice greyhound; fast as well. Have you considered racing him?" asked this bloke in the park.

"No, not really," I replied. "I'm far too unfit and out of condition."

Jimbuna · 07-18-15, 07:20 AM

A man in a hurry taking his eight-year-old son to school made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.
"Uh-oh, I think I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.
"It's okay, Dad," the boy said, "The police car right behind us did the same thing."

BossMark · 07-18-15, 11:13 AM

If I had a pound for every time I had no idea what was going on, I'd be asking people why they keep giving me pounds.

BossMark · 07-19-15, 12:07 AM

Pictures of the Queen practising a Nazi salute as a child have emerged.

"I knew she was the one for me, as soon as I saw them" said Prince Philip.

Jimbuna · 07-19-15, 07:19 AM

I was watching the film, 'A Perfect Murder,' with my wife, and she told me she was getting scared.

"Is it the storyline?" I said.

"Not really," she replied. "Stop taking notes."

BossMark · 07-19-15, 09:09 AM

I ran down the platform trying to catch the train thinking 'I'm sure I put the brake on.'

Jimbuna · 07-19-15, 11:24 AM

I was sat minding my own business the other day when some girl comes up to me and says "Excuse me. How do you spell Apple?"

"Apple?" I said. "That's one of the easiest words in the English language! My God, you must be absolutely thick as pig muck! How old are you?"

"Four" she said, crying.

Anyway long story short, I'm no longer a nursery teacher.

Harvs · 07-19-15, 05:32 PM

Will there be anymore jokes about the Australian cricket team? It seems they won with a day to spare so you have more time to think of some.

Sailor Steve · 07-19-15, 09:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Harvs

...so you have more time to think of some.

Nobody thinks of anything here. Nobody even remembers these jokes from one day to the next. It's all copy and paste.

BossMark · 07-19-15, 11:33 PM

I was really enjoying my holiday in France this year, sampling some great culture and wonderful food and drink.
It was okay until I ordered a beer in a roadside bar, had a swig and gagged.
I said to the barman, "What the hell is this?"
He replied, "Fosters."
I took it outside and threw it into the road.
I'd just like to say sorry to the bloke on the bike with the yellow shirt I accidentally soaked.

Jimbuna · 07-20-15, 12:09 PM

What’s the height of optimism? An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen.

BossMark · 07-20-15, 01:22 PM

It's been reported that George VI, on meeting Hitler pre-war, said, "He seems really decent."

To be honest, I thought that when I married my wife but she also turned out to be an evil dictator.

BossMark · 07-20-15, 02:16 PM

'Shamed FIFA president Sepp Blatter is showered in fake dollar bills by British comedian' -
When I read this I thought at first it might be Russell Brand, then I realised the word following British was comedian.

07-18-15, 01:37 AM	#7981
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My driving instructor told me to pull over somewhere safe. Two minutes later he said, "Why haven't you pulled over yet?" I said, "Because we're still in Newcastle." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

07-18-15, 06:13 AM	#7982
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,357 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	As the executioner picked up the axe, I said, "I thought I was to be hanged. Are you going to chop off my head?" "No, your legs," he replied. "The rope is too long." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

07-18-15, 06:46 AM	#7983
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	"Nice greyhound; fast as well. Have you considered racing him?" asked this bloke in the park. "No, not really," I replied. "I'm far too unfit and out of condition." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

07-18-15, 07:20 AM	#7984
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,357 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	A man in a hurry taking his eight-year-old son to school made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited. "Uh-oh, I think I just made an illegal turn!" the man said. "It's okay, Dad," the boy said, "The police car right behind us did the same thing." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

07-18-15, 11:13 AM	#7985
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	If I had a pound for every time I had no idea what was going on, I'd be asking people why they keep giving me pounds. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

07-19-15, 12:07 AM	#7986
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Pictures of the Queen practising a Nazi salute as a child have emerged. "I knew she was the one for me, as soon as I saw them" said Prince Philip. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

07-19-15, 07:19 AM	#7987
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,357 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I was watching the film, 'A Perfect Murder,' with my wife, and she told me she was getting scared. "Is it the storyline?" I said. "Not really," she replied. "Stop taking notes." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

07-19-15, 09:09 AM	#7988
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I ran down the platform trying to catch the train thinking 'I'm sure I put the brake on.' __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

07-19-15, 11:24 AM	#7989
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,357 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I was sat minding my own business the other day when some girl comes up to me and says "Excuse me. How do you spell Apple?" "Apple?" I said. "That's one of the easiest words in the English language! My God, you must be absolutely thick as pig muck! How old are you?" "Four" she said, crying. Anyway long story short, I'm no longer a nursery teacher. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

07-19-15, 05:32 PM	#7990
Harvs Grey Wolf Join Date: Feb 2015 Location: Noonamah,Darwin Posts: 769 Downloads: 76 Uploads: 0	Will there be anymore jokes about the Australian cricket team? It seems they won with a day to spare so you have more time to think of some. __________________ *You cannot kill that which cannot be hit.* [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC] Intel Core i7-2600K CPU @ 3.40GHz Liquid cooled NVIDIA GeForce GTX650 TiBOOST X2 in SLI 16GB RAM Windows 7 Home Premium SP1 64BIT ASUS MAXIMUS V GENE Motherboard

07-19-15, 11:33 PM	#7992
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I was really enjoying my holiday in France this year, sampling some great culture and wonderful food and drink. It was okay until I ordered a beer in a roadside bar, had a swig and gagged. I said to the barman, "What the hell is this?" He replied, "Fosters." I took it outside and threw it into the road. I'd just like to say sorry to the bloke on the bike with the yellow shirt I accidentally soaked. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

07-20-15, 12:09 PM	#7993
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,357 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	What’s the height of optimism? An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

07-20-15, 01:22 PM	#7994
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	It's been reported that George VI, on meeting Hitler pre-war, said, "He seems really decent." To be honest, I thought that when I married my wife but she also turned out to be an evil dictator. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

07-20-15, 02:16 PM	#7995
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	'Shamed FIFA president Sepp Blatter is showered in fake dollar bills by British comedian' - When I read this I thought at first it might be Russell Brand, then I realised the word following British was comedian. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now