The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

FIFA 16 should let you use real-money to bribe officials in online matches for a more realistic experience.

[Jimbuna]

Little Billy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Obama.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send Billy a $5.00 bill.
President Obama thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
Billy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:
Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.
Thanks,
Billy

[BossMark]

There were two Brits, Dave and John, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they travelled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.
As the dust in the air settled, they spotted a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful.

Dave said, "They might help us if they think we're Muslims. I'm going to tell them my name is Mohammed. ."
But John said, "That's ridiculous, I'm just going to tell them the truth."
They knocked on the door of the mosque, and were greeted by the Imam. "What are your names?"
Dave said, 'My name is Mohammed', and John said 'And I'm John'.

The Imam said 'Hello John, you poor man. My men will get you food and drink immediately.'
Then the Imam turned to Dave: "and Mohammed, happy Ramadan!"

[Jimbuna]

"Dad, what's a tranny?" asked my eight year old.

"I'm surprised someone your age knows that word, son," I replied. "It's an old name for a portable radio."

"Now tell me," I continued. "What do you think of my new dress?"

[BossMark]

Britain's fattest man has died.

The cremation will be next Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday.

[Jimbuna]

I got stopped by the police on the way home from work and the officer asked if I had anything in the car that I shouldn't.
"No" I replied.
"What's in your boot he then asked."
"Human remains" I told him.
"HUMAN REMAINS", he shouted and radioed for help.
It may take a little longer to get home but I love my job as an archaeologist.

[BossMark]

My new housemate is French. Last night when he got home I said, "Nice to know you're from France.. My favourite place is North of France, actually.."

"Let me guess," he said, "Lille.. Arras.. or maybe Côte d'Opale?.."

"No, England." I replied.

[Jimbuna]

Wife: Darling... it's our anniversary today, what shall we do?
Husband: Lets stand in silence for 2 minutes.

[Jimbuna]

I bumped into an old friend yesterday. I told him I was arranging a night out with the boys on Facebook.

He said, "I'm not on Facebook, so keep me updated by text."

So later on, I sent him a text that said, "My brother-in-law is at a gig, my cousin loves cheese on toast, and a girl I went to school with has bought a cat."

[Jimbuna]

On Monday I said to my boss, "I have a dentist's appointment this afternoon. Can I leave at 2.30 and make up the time later in the week?"

"No problem," he said.

On Friday he pulled me up and said, "What's this? You've put on your timesheet that you finished at 5 o'clock on Monday."

I replied, "I know, I told you I'd make the time up."

[BossMark]

After being away for a week's holiday with the girls, my wife came back and found me in bed with my best mate, Steve.

"It's not what it looks like" I shouted "He's fat, smells, snores, I don't fancy him in the slightest and we never have sex"

"So what we're you doing in bed with him" she cried.

"Well I was missing you" I explained.

[Jimbuna]

A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantations asked about the prices.
The doctor said, "Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000.
This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000.
Here we have a policeman's brain as well. It costs $50,000."
The client asked, "What? How's that possible?"
The doctor replied, "You see, it's totally unused."

[Tango589]

I've started a company that sells landmines that look like prayer mats.

Prophets are going through the roof.

[BossMark]

"Pick a card, any card you like," I said to my wife.

"Make sure you memorise it, now put it back with the rest of the pack."

"Bugga you Dave! It's our anniversary," she replied, before stomping out of hallmark

[BossMark]

Before I got married, I had absolutely no idea there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge.