The joke thread - Page 520

BossMark · 05-31-15, 02:08 AM

I've just discovered the quickest way to call a family meeting.

I turned off the WiFi router and simply waited in the room where it's located.

Jimbuna · 05-31-15, 10:11 AM

My three-year-old's son pet worm died last weekend. He was ever so upset so I suggested we bury it in the garden and wait a few days. Sure enough when we went back today and dug it up . . . . it was ALIVE! All smiles again.

BossMark · 05-31-15, 12:51 PM

Kids today don't know how easy they have it.

When I was young I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change TV channels.

fireftr18 · 05-31-15, 02:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BossMark

Kids today don't know how easy they have it.

When I was young I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change TV channels.

And you had to sit on the floor to watch TV too.

Jimbuna · 06-01-15, 10:31 AM

Manchester gets a lot of bad press, but really, it's just like Vegas.

In both places, you can pay for sex with chips.

BossMark · 06-01-15, 12:23 PM

British Summer Time,

Ensuring an extra hour of rain since 1940.

Jimbuna · 06-01-15, 12:56 PM

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table.

A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet £20,000 on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed.. "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

BossMark · 06-01-15, 11:30 PM

Why did Kate and Gerry McCann cross the road?

To sign another multi million pound book deal.

Harvs · 06-02-15, 03:49 AM

Pierre the famous french fighter pilot and a young lady are down by the river having a picnic, they are enjoying the view when the young lady says " kiss me Pierre.
Grabbing a bottle of red wine he pours it over her lips then kisses her passionately, surprised she asked " Pierre, why did you do that?"
"I am Pierre the famous french fighter pilot!! And when i kiss the ruby lips of a beautiful young lady i want to taste the finest French red wine on them" Pierre replied.
" oooh Pierre kiss me lower" said the young lady.
Pierre grabs a bottle of champagne and pours it over her chest and starts kissing her chesty bits.
"Pierre why did you do that?" she asks again.
"I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot!! And when i kiss the chesty bits of a beautiful young lady i want to taste the finest French champagne on them" he replied again.
"Ooooh Pierre kiss me lower" she asks.
Pierre grabs a bottle if brandy and pours it between her legs, sparks a lighter and sets her alight.
The young lady jumps up screaming and jumps into the river dousing the flames, turning around she asks" Pierre!!! WTF did you do that for?"
"I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot!! And when i go down, i go down in flames!!!!"

Jimbuna · 06-02-15, 12:56 PM

The FIFA headquarters in Switzerland has apparently been burgled. Raiders have stolen the names of the winners of the next two World Cups.

BossMark · 06-02-15, 01:15 PM

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.

So, in answer to your question ... It's probably a bird.

Jimbuna · 06-02-15, 01:25 PM

Arsene Wenger is wanted by Social Services after his kids were found badly beaten at home for the second time in a week!

BossMark · 06-02-15, 01:35 PM

Apparently double-barrelled names come about when both parents want to keep their surnames, according to my friend Paddy Murphy-Murphy.

BossMark · 06-02-15, 01:47 PM

My blonde wife thinks that USB is a back up plan just in case USA fails.

Jimbuna · 06-02-15, 02:03 PM

I've invented a new flavour of crisps, if they're successful I'll make a packet.

05-31-15, 02:08 AM	#7786
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I've just discovered the quickest way to call a family meeting. I turned off the WiFi router and simply waited in the room where it's located. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

05-31-15, 10:11 AM	#7787
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,124 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My three-year-old's son pet worm died last weekend. He was ever so upset so I suggested we bury it in the garden and wait a few days. Sure enough when we went back today and dug it up . . . . it was ALIVE! All smiles again. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

05-31-15, 12:51 PM	#7788
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change TV channels. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

06-01-15, 10:31 AM	#7790
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,124 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Manchester gets a lot of bad press, but really, it's just like Vegas. In both places, you can pay for sex with chips. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

06-01-15, 12:23 PM	#7791
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	British Summer Time, Ensuring an extra hour of rain since 1940. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

06-01-15, 12:56 PM	#7792
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,124 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet £20,000 on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed.. "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching." MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

06-01-15, 11:30 PM	#7793
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Why did Kate and Gerry McCann cross the road? To sign another multi million pound book deal. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

06-02-15, 03:49 AM	#7794
Harvs Grey Wolf Join Date: Feb 2015 Location: Noonamah,Darwin Posts: 769 Downloads: 76 Uploads: 0	Pierre the famous french fighter pilot and a young lady are down by the river having a picnic, they are enjoying the view when the young lady says " kiss me Pierre. Grabbing a bottle of red wine he pours it over her lips then kisses her passionately, surprised she asked " Pierre, why did you do that?" "I am Pierre the famous french fighter pilot!! And when i kiss the ruby lips of a beautiful young lady i want to taste the finest French red wine on them" Pierre replied. " oooh Pierre kiss me lower" said the young lady. Pierre grabs a bottle of champagne and pours it over her chest and starts kissing her chesty bits. "Pierre why did you do that?" she asks again. "I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot!! And when i kiss the chesty bits of a beautiful young lady i want to taste the finest French champagne on them" he replied again. "Ooooh Pierre kiss me lower" she asks. Pierre grabs a bottle if brandy and pours it between her legs, sparks a lighter and sets her alight. The young lady jumps up screaming and jumps into the river dousing the flames, turning around she asks" Pierre!!! WTF did you do that for?" "I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot!! And when i go down, i go down in flames!!!!" __________________ *You cannot kill that which cannot be hit.* [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC] Intel Core i7-2600K CPU @ 3.40GHz Liquid cooled NVIDIA GeForce GTX650 TiBOOST X2 in SLI 16GB RAM Windows 7 Home Premium SP1 64BIT ASUS MAXIMUS V GENE Motherboard

06-02-15, 12:56 PM	#7795
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,124 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	The FIFA headquarters in Switzerland has apparently been burgled. Raiders have stolen the names of the winners of the next two World Cups. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

06-02-15, 01:15 PM	#7796
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman. So, in answer to your question ... It's probably a bird. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

06-02-15, 01:25 PM	#7797
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,124 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Arsene Wenger is wanted by Social Services after his kids were found badly beaten at home for the second time in a week! __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

06-02-15, 01:35 PM	#7798
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Apparently double-barrelled names come about when both parents want to keep their surnames, according to my friend Paddy Murphy-Murphy. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

06-02-15, 01:47 PM	#7799
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My blonde wife thinks that USB is a back up plan just in case USA fails. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

06-02-15, 02:03 PM	#7800
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,124 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I've invented a new flavour of crisps, if they're successful I'll make a packet. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!