The joke thread

[BossMark]

Stopped watching Cricket years ago, because of match fixing.
Stopped watching Cycling after that moron Armstrong and Co.
And now stopped watching Football because of FIFA corruption..

Thanks heavens Women's doubles Tennis is not affected by scams.

[Jimbuna]

A pretty terrible golfer was playing a round of golf for which he had hired a caddie. The round proved to be somewhat tortuous for the caddie to watch and he was getting a bit exasperated by the poor play of his employer. At one point the ball lay about 180 yards from the green and the as the golfer sized up his situation, he asked his caddie, "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?" And the caddie replied, "Eventually."

[BossMark]

French barman guilty over 56 shots that killed customer.

A bit of overkill; surely one in the head should have done the job.

[Jimbuna]

Jose came to America from Mexico and wanted to go a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, there game was sold out, so he climbed to the top of the flag pole to get a good look. "What happened?" asked his family. "Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands, and all the players, stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"

[BossMark]

Not many people seem to be aware that "FIFA" is short for "Fee for Getting The World Cup In Your Country is $100m"......

[Jimbuna]

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. “Top of the mornin’ to yer, sir” says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick “hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. “What are those?, asks the attendant. “They’re called tees” replies Tiger. “Well, what on the god’s earth are dey for?” inquires the Irishman. “They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving”, says Tiger. “Jaysus”, says the Irishman, “BMW thinks of everything!”

[BossMark]

Eating at McDonald's has plenty of healthy benefits.

For instance, you don't have to die of that ever tiring old age.

[Harvs]

A guy walks into a convenience store, and he grabs a single-serving meal, a single-serving drink, a single-serving toothpaste, a single-serving dessert, single-serving everything, and he goes up to the counter with it and the woman at the counter says, ‘Let me guess, you’re single?’ And he says, ‘Yeah, how could you tell?’ And she says, ‘Because you’re really ugly.’”

[BossMark]

FIFA 16 Career Mode:
Your star striker will be out for 9 months due to pregnancy.

[BossMark]

If Scientists invented a pill to make us immortal...

I'd probably choke on it.

[Jimbuna]

That FIFA 16 game is so realistic.

Mine arrived in a plain brown envelope.

[BossMark]

I phoned the wife from work.

"Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you, and they're stabbing it?" I asked her.

"No?" she replied, sounding puzzled.

"How about now ...?"

[Jimbuna]

Just got FIFA 16 (early on the Blatter market) and I have to say it is incredibly realistic.
As soon as I put the disk it says "Game is corrupt", but after that it keeps going as usual anyway.

[Jimbuna]

The president of Fifa, Sepp Blatter, has come under more criticism about goal-line technology, this time from his wife.

She said, "It doesn't surprise me, I've been asking him for years whether it was in or not."

[BossMark]

My holiday home has been burnt down by Welsh Nationalists.

Which came as a bit of a surprise, to be honest, as it's in Spain.