The joke thread

[Sailor Steve]

Girl walks into a bar. Says to the barman: "Gimme a double entendre."

So he gave it to her.

[BossMark]

We never played violent video games when I was growing up.
Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"

[Jimbuna]

RING
RING
CLICK

Recording - "Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline."

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

[Jimbuna]

My son just asked me what is GPS.

I said, "It tells me what to do while I'm driving."

He replied, "So it's Mummy?"

[BossMark]

Kate Middleton.

Living off the state, no job and 2 kids in quick succession.

She's going to find herself on The Jeremy Kyle show soon if she's not careful.

[Jimbuna]

I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone.

[Jimbuna]

I sat next to a tramp on a park bench today. "It was only last week that I had it all," he said, "A chef to cook my food, cleaners to do my cleaning and wash my clothes and a nice warm roof over my head."

"What happened?" I replied, "Drugs? Gambling? A woman?"

"No, I was let out of prison."

[BossMark]

Victoria Beckham surprised David Beckham on his 40th birthday.

She sprang out from behind a candle on his birthday cake.

[BossMark]

Papers are reporting Prince Williams first words on seeing the new royal baby.

"HARRY, YOU BASTARD!"

[Herr-Berbunch]

One day, a blonde is out shopping and decides to stop in at a shoe store. After she's been there for awhile, she finds a pair of crocodile skin shoes that she loves. She asks the cashier how much they are, and when he answers, she decides that she can't afford them. So she leaves.
A few hours later, the cashier is driving home from work, when he sees the same woman on the side of the road, next to a huge body of water. He's a bit surprised, so he pulls over to see if she's okay. But before he has time to ask her, he notices she's got a huge gun in her hands, and is shooting into the water. Then he sees that she has a huge pile of dead crocodiles beside her.
She shoots into the water again, killing yet another crocodile, pulls it out and yells 'Damn! This one's not wearing shoes either!'

[Tango589]

What's the collective name for a group of crows?

A murder.

What's the collective name for a group of sheep?

A flock

What's the collective name for a group of politicians?

A shower of bastids.

[BossMark]

Feminists want women to be given equal opportunities to men

By men.

[Jimbuna]

A lorry driver breaks down on the M6 with a cargo of live monkeys on board, bound for Chester Zoo. They need to be delivered by 9:00 am and the driver fears he will get the sack if they don't get there on time. He decides to try and thumb a lift for his monkeys and eventually an Irish lorry driver pulls over.

"Where they going?" asks the Irish chap.
"Do us a favour mate and take these to Chester Zoo for me," says the driver, "and here's a hundred quid for your troubles."
"Happy days," says the Irish fella, loads the monkeys onto his truck and gets on his way.

The lorry driver goes about trying to fix his truck and is there for a good few hours when he notices the Irish fella coming back down the motorway, still with all the chimps on board. Panicking, he flags him down again.

"What are you playing at?" he fumes, "I told you to take them to Chester Zoo !"
"I did," says the Irish fella, "but there is still fifty quid left so now we're going to Alton Towers."

[Jimbuna]

I wasn't really looking forward to the slug pie the wife made me for dinner, but it was actually quite delicious. I just wish I'd had a bigger portion.


"You did have." Said the wife, "Until you put salt on"

[Sailor Steve]

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.

“You mean a martini?” asks the bartender.

The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it.”