The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

I was stood at the bar last night, when this girl came up beside me.
Looking her up and down, I said, "If I could rearrange the alphabet..."
"Let me guess," she said, "you'd put U and I together?"
I said, "No fatty, I'd put U at the back of the Q."

[BossMark]

A British man has gone on trial accused of causing the death of a US soldier.

The American army is said to be furious that we have adopted a tactic that they consider their invention.

[Jimbuna]

The wife came downstairs in her running gear this morning and said "I'm away out for a run"

I replied "You look like her from the Olympics"

"Jessica Ennis?" she asked.

"No" I replied "The Samoan shot-putter"

[Sailor Steve]

There is no "i" in denial.

[BossMark]

Amanda Holden's sister has been talking from Nepal about her terrible ordeal....

.... of being Amanda Holden's sister.

[BossMark]

I got home pissed at 3am and found my wife had changed the locks.

As I stumbled away I noticed the bitch had also changed the street we live on.

[BossMark]

Two women were talking about their new milkman.

"He's very good looking, punctual and dresses so smartly" said one.

"And so quickly too!" said the other

[Jimbuna]

"What's an oxymoron?" Asked my wife.

"Happily married" I replied.

[Sailor Steve]

Who is this Rorschach guy...and why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?

[Tango589]

Text your line to your victim and await their reply.

You: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Victim: I don't know.

You: To get to the idiots house.

You: Knock knock...

Victim: Who's there?

You: The chicken.

[BossMark]

I was reading that scientists have discovered that the Tyrannosaurus Rex had a 'cousin' that was vegetarian.

It must have been a bloody nightmare to have a vegetarian in the family when your arms are too short to cover your ears.

[Jimbuna]

Why do men die first? This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know. It requires a bit of explanation.

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
If you work too hard, there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favouritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, its equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, its sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, its male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive bugga.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If SHE asks you, it's a favour.
If you appreciate the female form and sexy underwear, you're a pervert. If you don't, you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you're oversexed. If you don't, there must be someone else.

Why do men die first?

Because they want to!

[BossMark]

I was so pissed last night I fell asleep next to the kitchen sink.

I'm totally drained this morning.

[Jimbuna]

I don't think my goldfish wanted his tank cleaning yesterday.

He threw a right tantrum on the draining board while I was doing it and now he's just sulking on top of his water.

[BossMark]

The mechanic at my local garage died yesterday.

His service has been booked in for next week.