The joke thread

[BossMark]

Oxo have brought out a red and white cube to celebrate England"s Euro 2012 campaign.
It"s called the Laughing Stock

[Jimbuna]

Originally Posted by BossMark

Oxo have brought out a red and white cube to celebrate England"s Euro 2012 campaign.
It"s called the Laughing Stock

Oh dear, how old is that...simply add the team of your choice.

[BossMark]

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are drowning their sorrows down the pub.
"I can"t believe it." says the Englishman. "Me and the wife- we"ve been together 15 years and today I found out she"s been having an affair with a builder.
""How do you know it was a builder?" the others ask."I found a box of tools under the bed."
"Join the club." says the Scotsman. "Today, I found out my wife"s been having an affair with a milkman.""How do you know it was a milkman?" the others ask.
"I found a crate of milk under the bed.""You as well?" asks the Irishman. "I"ve just found out the wife was having an affair with a bloody horse!"The other two look at him incredulously.
"How do you know it was a horse?""I found a jockey hiding under the bed

[Jimbuna]

I was watching the TV with my nan when our numbers came up. She jumped up, and started screaming! She nearly gave herself a heart attack!

That's the last time I take her into Argos.

[BossMark]

A friend of mine was very depressed, he owed 500 pounds to a shark and his family were going to be kicked out on the street the following day. He drove to the edge of a cliff and parked there, his head resting on the steering wheel. All the nice people there had a whip-round and they got him his 500 pound!!.....Good thing his bus was full that day!!!

[Jimbuna]

Dale farm finally evicted.

Next stop, Emmerdale Farm.

[BossMark]

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view. She never did it when she was near anyone else.One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn"t overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.Well, I was in total shock, and couldn"t say a word. She said, "I"m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."I was stunned- frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. She pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn"t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."And the moral of this story is:Always keep your condoms in the car!

[Jimbuna]

One of my employees asked me, "What do I enter to get an outside line?"

"1412," I replied.

"Nope, that doesn't work," he said.

"That's the code to get out of the building. There's a phone box across the road."

[BossMark]

A Scouser inadvertently goes into a gay bar for a beer. He sits at the bar supping his pint when one gay gentleman decides to chance his luck. He approaches the scouser and whispers something into his ear, whereupon the Liverpudlian turns around in complete disgust and horror and proceeds to punch the living daylights out of the homosexual, fist after fist punching him out the door, kicking him across the pub car park, relentlessly punching and kicking until the victim lay comatose. The Scouser then dusted himself down and calmly returned to his pint at the bar, whilst the horrified staff and clientele stood silent and motionless.Eventually, the barman plucks up the courage to ask what had happened:Barman: "Bloody hell mate. What on earth did he whisper to you?"Scouser: "Dunno, something about a "job".

[Jimbuna]

Got kicked out the pool today
Apparently The breaststroke isnt what I thought it was

[BossMark]

My wife said she was bored this morning so I said
"Fancy going to the coast and having a swim?"
She said "It"s bloody minus 2 out there - I"ll freeze to death or drown!"
I said "Fancy going to the coast and having a swim

[Jimbuna]

The government have advised people to watch out that they're not being sold fake 2012 Olympic tickets.

I think I'll be alright though. My tickets for the men's wheelchair triple jump seem genuine enough.

[BossMark]

The credit crunch...I could lose my job.
I could lose all my savings.I could lose my house.
So what does the country do?
Spend billions of our money on an event that lasts just two weeks and which serves no purpose other than to find out which people on this planet are best at taking drugs without being caught

[Jimbuna]

I was playing in a football match with some of my work colleagues. My boss had the ball and was running towards the goal; I was quickly following beside him...

"Lay me off!" I shouted

I no longer have a job.

[BossMark]

I work for the Samaritans.
I tried to call in sick this morning but the buggers talked me out of it.