The joke thread - Page 503

BossMark · 04-07-15, 09:58 AM

My son sent me a card in hospital saying, 'Get Hell Soon'.

He meant well.

Jimbuna · 04-07-15, 11:14 AM

I have finally found what the best thing before sliced bread was.

MASSIVE SANDWICHES!

BossMark · 04-08-15, 02:16 AM

My wife thinks I look like a philosopher at the beach; staring off into the distance contemplating life.

What I've actually done is spotted some tits.

Jimbuna · 04-08-15, 10:21 AM

Past, Present and Future walked into a Bar

It was tense.

BossMark · 04-08-15, 10:40 AM

I'm not saying the women who go into my local are rough...

But there's a paper bag machine in the gents.

BossMark · 04-09-15, 04:43 AM

Massive oil discovery near Gatwick.

In other news, Gatwick airport runs out of fuel.

Jimbuna · 04-09-15, 05:13 AM

Scientists have discovered the first signs of intelligence in America.
It says, " Canadian Border 3 Miles."

Jimbuna · 04-09-15, 06:12 AM

I went into the local library and asked if they had any books on the Titanic.

"Oh yes, quite a few", the Librarian said.

"Sorry to hear that", I replied. "They'll all be ruined by now".

BossMark · 04-09-15, 06:18 AM

I was chatting with a girl on-line.

"Tell me something interesting about yourself," I typed.

"I'm Lebanese," came the reply..

I'm wasting my time, I thought: she's dyslexic and she prefers girls.

Jimbuna · 04-09-15, 06:42 AM

How to tell what kind of bear is chasing you:

If you're running, and you're running, and you run up a tree, and the bear follows you, it's a black bear.

If you're running, and you're running, and you run up a tree, and the bear shakes you out of the tree, it's a brown bear.

If you're running, and you're running, and you can't find a tree, it's a polar bear.

BossMark · 04-09-15, 07:30 AM

Report: Men who took advantage of cheap holidays to Benidorm in the 1970s are now dying of melanoma.

Unlike my Dad who took a beach holiday to Blackpool in the 1970s, and died of hypothermia

BossMark · 04-09-15, 11:57 AM

My wife's doing everything for the dog since he got back from the vet.

I think he needs to learn to stand on his own two feet.

Jimbuna · 04-10-15, 05:08 AM

Paddy walks into The Antiques Roadshow and puts a big box on the table.
"Where did you find this?" asked the expert.
"Oh, it's been in the attic for years," said Paddy.
"Have you got insurance?" asked the expert.
"Why do you ask?" said Paddy.
"Because you're going to need it - that's your cold water tank."

BossMark · 04-10-15, 09:21 AM

So oil has been found in the South of England.
Gatwick is expected to be holding an independence referendum in September this year.

donna52522 · 04-10-15, 03:29 PM

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I have been tripping all day.

04-07-15, 09:58 AM	#7531
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My son sent me a card in hospital saying, 'Get Hell Soon'. He meant well. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

04-07-15, 11:14 AM	#7532
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,044 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I have finally found what the best thing before sliced bread was. MASSIVE SANDWICHES! __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

04-08-15, 02:16 AM	#7533
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My wife thinks I look like a philosopher at the beach; staring off into the distance contemplating life. What I've actually done is spotted some tits. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

04-08-15, 10:21 AM	#7534
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,044 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Past, Present and Future walked into a Bar It was tense. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

04-08-15, 10:40 AM	#7535
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I'm not saying the women who go into my local are rough... But there's a paper bag machine in the gents. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

04-09-15, 04:43 AM	#7536
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Massive oil discovery near Gatwick. In other news, Gatwick airport runs out of fuel. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

04-09-15, 05:13 AM	#7537
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,044 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Scientists have discovered the first signs of intelligence in America. It says, " Canadian Border 3 Miles." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

04-09-15, 06:12 AM	#7538
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,044 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I went into the local library and asked if they had any books on the Titanic. "Oh yes, quite a few", the Librarian said. "Sorry to hear that", I replied. "They'll all be ruined by now". __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

04-09-15, 06:18 AM	#7539
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I was chatting with a girl on-line. "Tell me something interesting about yourself," I typed. "I'm Lebanese," came the reply.. I'm wasting my time, I thought: she's dyslexic and she prefers girls. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

04-09-15, 06:42 AM	#7540
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,044 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	How to tell what kind of bear is chasing you: If you're running, and you're running, and you run up a tree, and the bear follows you, it's a black bear. If you're running, and you're running, and you run up a tree, and the bear shakes you out of the tree, it's a brown bear. If you're running, and you're running, and you can't find a tree, it's a polar bear. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

04-09-15, 07:30 AM	#7541
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Report: Men who took advantage of cheap holidays to Benidorm in the 1970s are now dying of melanoma. Unlike my Dad who took a beach holiday to Blackpool in the 1970s, and died of hypothermia __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

04-09-15, 11:57 AM	#7542
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My wife's doing everything for the dog since he got back from the vet. I think he needs to learn to stand on his own two feet. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

04-10-15, 05:08 AM	#7543
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,044 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Paddy walks into The Antiques Roadshow and puts a big box on the table. "Where did you find this?" asked the expert. "Oh, it's been in the attic for years," said Paddy. "Have you got insurance?" asked the expert. "Why do you ask?" said Paddy. "Because you're going to need it - that's your cold water tank." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

04-10-15, 09:21 AM	#7544
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	So oil has been found in the South of England. Gatwick is expected to be holding an independence referendum in September this year. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

04-10-15, 03:29 PM	#7545
donna52522 Lady Mariner Join Date: Jun 2011 Posts: 544 Downloads: 225 Uploads: 0	I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I have been tripping all day. __________________