The joke thread - Page 502

BossMark · 04-03-15, 01:39 AM

I was in the bookies today trying to decide which horse to pick when I thought to myself, "This pen tastes like it's been in a lot of other people's mouths."

Jimbuna · 04-03-15, 06:00 AM

I never brag.

It's just one of my many, many outstanding features.

BossMark · 04-04-15, 02:03 AM

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.

"First offender?" says the judge.

"Nope! First the Gibson then the Fender" replies the woman

Jimbuna · 04-04-15, 10:09 AM

I was devastated to find out that the Easter Bunny isn't real.
Wait till I tell Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy.

donna52522 · 04-04-15, 04:45 PM

Some say I'm indecisive, but I'm not sure about that.

BossMark · 04-05-15, 02:58 AM

"It's important we remember the true meaning of Easter" says The Archbishop of Cadbury.

Jimbuna · 04-05-15, 06:56 AM

Speaking outside the court after her divorce from Prince Charming, Cinderella was asked what was the biggest lesson she learned from the marriage, "Never marry a man who's really into shoes", she replied.

Jimbuna · 04-05-15, 07:23 AM

Damn, my traditional Easter rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour was at the door with some whiny story about his kids missing pet.

Eichhörnchen · 04-05-15, 01:05 PM

Midget shortage

BossMark · 04-06-15, 02:42 AM

We went to a Thunderbird's themed fancy dress party, I went the whole hog, had the hair dyed, and got a costume to look like Virgil.

My wife just put a green coat on and went as Thunderbird two.

Jimbuna · 04-06-15, 06:46 AM

Signed up for an assertiveness course.
First week the teacher never turned up.
Second week the teacher never turned up.
Third week no teacher again so I went to the office to complain.
They said, "Congratulations you've passed.".

BossMark · 04-06-15, 11:02 AM

My newly-wed wife said to me, "Why don't we say one thing that we don't like about each other, and then try to change that."

"OK," I replied.

She said, "Great, you start."

"Actually this is quite difficult," I said after thinking for a few seconds.

"Why, can't you think of anything?"

"No, with so many possibilities, it's hard to pick one."

Jimbuna · 04-06-15, 01:52 PM

The fortune teller looked into her crystal ball and said, "You're going to turn into a woman with a massive forehead."

"That's your bleedin reflection, you idiot," I replied.

BossMark · 04-07-15, 02:29 AM

What's the difference between my wife and Inland Revenue?

Inland Revenue wants to talk to me.

Jimbuna · 04-07-15, 07:27 AM

The first day at the nudist colony is always the hardest.

04-03-15, 01:39 AM	#7516
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I was in the bookies today trying to decide which horse to pick when I thought to myself, "This pen tastes like it's been in a lot of other people's mouths." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

04-03-15, 06:00 AM	#7517
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,168 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I never brag. It's just one of my many, many outstanding features. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

04-04-15, 02:03 AM	#7518
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. "First offender?" says the judge. "Nope! First the Gibson then the Fender" replies the woman __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

04-04-15, 10:09 AM	#7519
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,168 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I was devastated to find out that the Easter Bunny isn't real. Wait till I tell Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

04-04-15, 04:45 PM	#7520
donna52522 Lady Mariner Join Date: Jun 2011 Posts: 544 Downloads: 225 Uploads: 0	Some say I'm indecisive, but I'm not sure about that. __________________

04-05-15, 02:58 AM	#7521
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	"It's important we remember the true meaning of Easter" says The Archbishop of Cadbury. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

04-05-15, 06:56 AM	#7522
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,168 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Speaking outside the court after her divorce from Prince Charming, Cinderella was asked what was the biggest lesson she learned from the marriage, "Never marry a man who's really into shoes", she replied. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

04-05-15, 07:23 AM	#7523
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,168 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Damn, my traditional Easter rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour was at the door with some whiny story about his kids missing pet. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

04-05-15, 01:05 PM	#7524
Eichhörnchen Starte das Auto Join Date: Aug 2014 Location: The Fens Posts: 17,488 Downloads: 5 Uploads: 0	Midget shortage __________________

04-06-15, 02:42 AM	#7525
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	We went to a Thunderbird's themed fancy dress party, I went the whole hog, had the hair dyed, and got a costume to look like Virgil. My wife just put a green coat on and went as Thunderbird two. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

04-06-15, 06:46 AM	#7526
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,168 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Signed up for an assertiveness course. First week the teacher never turned up. Second week the teacher never turned up. Third week no teacher again so I went to the office to complain. They said, "Congratulations you've passed.". __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

04-06-15, 11:02 AM	#7527
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My newly-wed wife said to me, "Why don't we say one thing that we don't like about each other, and then try to change that." "OK," I replied. She said, "Great, you start." "Actually this is quite difficult," I said after thinking for a few seconds. "Why, can't you think of anything?" "No, with so many possibilities, it's hard to pick one." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

04-06-15, 01:52 PM	#7528
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,168 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	The fortune teller looked into her crystal ball and said, "You're going to turn into a woman with a massive forehead." "That's your bleedin reflection, you idiot," I replied. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

04-07-15, 02:29 AM	#7529
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	What's the difference between my wife and Inland Revenue? Inland Revenue wants to talk to me. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

04-07-15, 07:27 AM	#7530
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,168 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	The first day at the nudist colony is always the hardest. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!