The joke thread - Page 500

BossMark · 03-27-15, 07:45 AM

"I can see you in the middle of a huge storm, a log cabin and fir trees are standing behind you," said the old gypsy woman, staring into her crystal ball.

"I think that's actually a snow globe you've picked up there," I told her.

Jimbuna · 03-27-15, 08:15 AM

I'm not saying its rough where I live but the shops have 'steal one get one free' offers for the shoplifters.

BossMark · 03-27-15, 12:44 PM

My granddad hated arguments and always tried to keep out of them.

Lovely man, terrible lawyer.

BossMark · 03-28-15, 03:26 AM

Going to these new gastro pubs is a bit like visiting your nan that's got dementia. Chips served in a flower pot and burger on a bathroom tile.

Jimbuna · 03-28-15, 08:08 AM

Sean Connery's agent calls him up. "Sean Baby, I'm so sorry to call you when your on holiday but I've got a crackerjack offer for you, you can't miss this. I've set up an audition for you at the studio in LA, just be there for tennish."
"Tennish?" says Sean. "But I don't have a racquet."

BossMark · 03-28-15, 08:11 AM

They say the one thing you can't buy is taste.

Especially at McDonald's.

Jimbuna · 03-28-15, 08:41 AM

My wife is beginning to become highly suspicious of my new 'secretary'.

I suppose I should've thought of a better excuse.

Being unemployed.

BossMark · 03-28-15, 11:55 AM

My wife is amazing at doing impressions, If you put your hands around her throat she does a great Daffy Duck.

BossMark · 03-29-15, 04:36 AM

My Granddad was highly decorated in World War Two.

In fact, many people believe it was the tinsel on his helmet that got him shot.

Jimbuna · 03-29-15, 09:52 AM

I love that my son is still happy to be playing at Superheroes and not a teenage thug.

I said to him, "Have you got everything you need for a good night?"

"Yeah Dad, bat phone and tights."

Bless him, I think he's going to be Robin tonight.

BossMark · 03-30-15, 02:28 AM

My wife left me because I was suffering from depression.

Which cheered me right up.

Jimbuna · 03-30-15, 04:22 AM

Everyone seems worried about global warming and world hunger, but the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.

BossMark · 03-30-15, 05:58 AM

"My mother is still in shock," my wife complained. "The doctors say it could've killed her."
"I only did what you asked," I said, defending myself. "You said, 'Take her a cup of tea and two slices of toast with nothing on.'

Jimbuna · 03-30-15, 06:02 AM

When life throws you lemons,just hope and pray they're not called Keith.

Jimbuna · 03-30-15, 07:36 AM

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

03-27-15, 07:45 AM	#7486
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	"I can see you in the middle of a huge storm, a log cabin and fir trees are standing behind you," said the old gypsy woman, staring into her crystal ball. "I think that's actually a snow globe you've picked up there," I told her. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

03-27-15, 08:15 AM	#7487
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,414 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I'm not saying its rough where I live but the shops have 'steal one get one free' offers for the shoplifters. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

03-27-15, 12:44 PM	#7488
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My granddad hated arguments and always tried to keep out of them. Lovely man, terrible lawyer. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

03-28-15, 03:26 AM	#7489
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Going to these new gastro pubs is a bit like visiting your nan that's got dementia. Chips served in a flower pot and burger on a bathroom tile. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

03-28-15, 08:08 AM	#7490
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,414 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Sean Connery's agent calls him up. "Sean Baby, I'm so sorry to call you when your on holiday but I've got a crackerjack offer for you, you can't miss this. I've set up an audition for you at the studio in LA, just be there for tennish." "Tennish?" says Sean. "But I don't have a racquet." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

03-28-15, 08:11 AM	#7491
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	They say the one thing you can't buy is taste. Especially at McDonald's. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

03-28-15, 08:41 AM	#7492
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,414 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My wife is beginning to become highly suspicious of my new 'secretary'. I suppose I should've thought of a better excuse. Being unemployed. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

03-28-15, 11:55 AM	#7493
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My wife is amazing at doing impressions, If you put your hands around her throat she does a great Daffy Duck. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

03-29-15, 04:36 AM	#7494
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My Granddad was highly decorated in World War Two. In fact, many people believe it was the tinsel on his helmet that got him shot. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

03-29-15, 09:52 AM	#7495
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,414 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I love that my son is still happy to be playing at Superheroes and not a teenage thug. I said to him, "Have you got everything you need for a good night?" "Yeah Dad, bat phone and tights." Bless him, I think he's going to be Robin tonight. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

03-30-15, 02:28 AM	#7496
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My wife left me because I was suffering from depression. Which cheered me right up. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

03-30-15, 04:22 AM	#7497
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,414 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Everyone seems worried about global warming and world hunger, but the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

03-30-15, 05:58 AM	#7498
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	"My mother is still in shock," my wife complained. "The doctors say it could've killed her." "I only did what you asked," I said, defending myself. "You said, 'Take her a cup of tea and two slices of toast with nothing on.' __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

03-30-15, 06:02 AM	#7499
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,414 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	When life throws you lemons,just hope and pray they're not called Keith. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

03-30-15, 07:36 AM	#7500
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,414 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk." Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go." Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!