The joke thread

[BossMark]

A pretty blonde walks into a bar and asks the handsome fellow at the bar what he"s drinking.He says, "Magic beer. You want one?""Aw, that"s stupid. There"s no such thing" she says."Look, I"ll show you". He takes a big swig and proceeds to throw himself out of a nearby window, where he proceeds to fly up and around the building, and back into bar window."That"s incredible! I don"t believe it!" she says."Hey barkeep, throw me another one o" them Magic Beers". The bartender shakes his head and pours another beer and slides it down the bar. The man chugs about half of it and proceeds to leap out the window and circle the building again."Here, you try it" he says to the blonde.She takes a big draw on the glass, jumps out of the window, and falls about 30 feet to the ground - breaking both her legs - and begins screaming in pain.The bartender says, "Superman, you"re a real bastard when you"re drunk.

[BossMark]

What do you call a blonde with half a brain?Gifted...
What do you call a blond with a whole brain?A golden retriever!!!

[Jimbuna]

I got pulled over by the police after they spotted me leaving the pub car park, the officer told me to get out the car and walk in a straight line.
He said "excuse me Sir you are staggering" I replied "your not a bad looking man yourself"

[BossMark]

Little Johnny is passing his parents" bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in *The Act*before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsey ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny"s not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mummy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out, "Hang on tight, Daddy!This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

[Jimbuna]

If you're not supposed to misuse cough syrup, then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?

[BossMark]

A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he"s pulled over by the police.
The police officer approaches him and asks,
"Have you been drinking Sir?""No. Why?" replies the man. "Was I all over the road?""No," replies the officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious.

[Jimbuna]

Older than you I suspect

[Jimbuna]

I've just ordered an empty cardboard box from Chernobyl.

It was the cheapest microwave I could find.

[BossMark]

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says, "I"m sorry, honey, I"ve got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?

[Jimbuna]

A police officer stops a man who is driving his car with his wife in the passenger seat.
The man says "What's the problem officer?" "You were doing at least 75 in a 70 limit."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry, you were doing 80."
Officer: "I'm also going to book you for a broken rear light."
Man: "Broken rear light? I didn't know about a broken light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that light for weeks."
Officer: "I'm also going to book you for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt."
Man turns to his wife and shouts, "Shut your mouth."
Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you like that?"
Wife says: "No only when he's drunk."

[BossMark]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You"re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They"re going to STICK! Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you"re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don"t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don"t know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I"m driving."

[BossMark]

A couple was going out for the evening. They"d gotten ready, all dolled-up , dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives and as they start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don"t want the dog shut in, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver, "He"s just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her arse downstairs and tossed her out in the back yard! She better not crap in the vegetable garden again!"

[Jimbuna]

"There is nothing worse than fading into anonymous obscurity."

- Unknown

[Jimbuna]

I was over an hour late for work this morning.

When I arrived the boss stormed over and snapped, "What's your excuse this time Matthew?"

"Sorry sir," I said. "I missed the bus."

He said, "Well make sure you're more punctual in future."

I replied, "Sorry sir comma I missed the bus full stop"

[BossMark]

This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.
The husband asks, "I notice you"ve been watching that man for some time now.
Do you know him?""Yes" she replies, "He"s my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago
.""That"s remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn"t think anybody could celebrate that long."