The joke thread - Page 497

03-16-15, 03:29 PM

Took me a moment

Jimbuna · 03-16-15, 04:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nippelspanner

Took me a moment

I'm often like that these days....thank heaven for Google

BossMark · 03-17-15, 04:54 AM

There are two different processes for our perception of sight: Colour and Shape.
Apparently men, have a faster sensory capability for shape than women and conversely women with colour over men. Amazing.
Along with muscle grouping and proteins this helps man to have an edge over women in sporting abilities, impressive reflexes and split second decisions, by contrast colour helps women decide who's socks are who's when they come out of the wash.

Jimbuna · 03-17-15, 06:25 AM

Soldier 1 :- What made you go into the army?
Soldier 2 :- I had no wife and I loved war. What about you?
Soldier 1 :- Well, I had a wife and loved peace.

BossMark · 03-18-15, 03:53 AM

Elton John is calling on everyone to boycott Dolce and Gabbana products.

Elton, we've been boycotting them for years as we can't afford them.

Why don't you get us to boycott say, Lidl?

BossMark · 03-18-15, 06:45 AM

I bumped into an old mate today. Laughing he said, "You look smart, are you up at court?"

I said, "No, I'm going to a funeral."

He said, "Oh, I'm sorry mate. Who's died?"

I said, "My freedom and my sex life, I'm getting married."

Jimbuna · 03-18-15, 08:23 AM

"Get yourself dressed, love," I said to my wife. "It's two courses for a tenner today."

"Great, I'm starving!" she replied.

"What are you on about?" I asked. "I need you to carry my golf clubs."

BossMark · 03-19-15, 03:54 AM

This weather reminds me of my wife..

Always trying its hardest not to be nice..

BossMark · 03-19-15, 06:58 AM

"What do you think you could add to the role, if we gave you the position?" asked the interviewer.

"Butter, lettuce, bacon and tomato," I said.

I've nailed this job at Greggs.

Jimbuna · 03-19-15, 08:18 AM

Bruce Forsyth walks into a sweet shop.

"Can I help you?" asks the assistant.

"Yes" Brucie replies, "Give us a twirl."

BossMark · 03-19-15, 08:35 AM

London will only see 13% of the sun during the solar eclipse.

Or 'Summer' as the people of Skegness call it.

Jimbuna · 03-19-15, 08:37 AM

Google+ is like a gym membership.

Everyone signs up for it but never uses it.

BossMark · 03-20-15, 04:07 AM

A cash machine has just charged me two pound for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.

Pretty ironic if you ask me.

BossMark · 03-20-15, 04:10 AM

I saw Paddy looking directly at the total solar eclipse.

"Didn't you read any of the warnings?" I said, "You could go blind looking at the sun like that!"

"I'm not that stupid," he replied. "I'm looking at the moon."

Jimbuna · 03-20-15, 08:07 AM

Why do women outlive men?

They don't have wives.

03-17-15, 04:54 AM	#7443
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	There are two different processes for our perception of sight: Colour and Shape. Apparently men, have a faster sensory capability for shape than women and conversely women with colour over men. Amazing. Along with muscle grouping and proteins this helps man to have an edge over women in sporting abilities, impressive reflexes and split second decisions, by contrast colour helps women decide who's socks are who's when they come out of the wash. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

03-17-15, 06:25 AM	#7444
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,928 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Soldier 1 :- What made you go into the army? Soldier 2 :- I had no wife and I loved war. What about you? Soldier 1 :- Well, I had a wife and loved peace. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

03-18-15, 03:53 AM	#7445
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Elton John is calling on everyone to boycott Dolce and Gabbana products. Elton, we've been boycotting them for years as we can't afford them. Why don't you get us to boycott say, Lidl? __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

03-18-15, 06:45 AM	#7446
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I bumped into an old mate today. Laughing he said, "You look smart, are you up at court?" I said, "No, I'm going to a funeral." He said, "Oh, I'm sorry mate. Who's died?" I said, "My freedom and my sex life, I'm getting married." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

03-18-15, 08:23 AM	#7447
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,928 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	"Get yourself dressed, love," I said to my wife. "It's two courses for a tenner today." "Great, I'm starving!" she replied. "What are you on about?" I asked. "I need you to carry my golf clubs." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

03-16-15, 03:29 PM	#7441
Nippelspanner Stowaway Posts: n/a Downloads: Uploads:	Took me a moment

03-19-15, 03:54 AM	#7448
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	This weather reminds me of my wife.. Always trying its hardest not to be nice.. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

03-19-15, 06:58 AM	#7449
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	"What do you think you could add to the role, if we gave you the position?" asked the interviewer. "Butter, lettuce, bacon and tomato," I said. I've nailed this job at Greggs. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

03-19-15, 08:18 AM	#7450
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,928 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Bruce Forsyth walks into a sweet shop. "Can I help you?" asks the assistant. "Yes" Brucie replies, "Give us a twirl." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

03-19-15, 08:35 AM	#7451
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	London will only see 13% of the sun during the solar eclipse. Or 'Summer' as the people of Skegness call it. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

03-19-15, 08:37 AM	#7452
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,928 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Google+ is like a gym membership. Everyone signs up for it but never uses it. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

03-20-15, 04:07 AM	#7453
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	A cash machine has just charged me two pound for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed. Pretty ironic if you ask me. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

03-20-15, 04:10 AM	#7454
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I saw Paddy looking directly at the total solar eclipse. "Didn't you read any of the warnings?" I said, "You could go blind looking at the sun like that!" "I'm not that stupid," he replied. "I'm looking at the moon." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

03-20-15, 08:07 AM	#7455
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,928 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Why do women outlive men? They don't have wives. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)