The joke thread - Page 488

Jimbuna · 02-12-15, 08:14 AM

I asked the librarian for the book about English Weather.

She said, "You mean Fifty Shades of Grey"

"Yeah, that's the one"

BossMark · 02-12-15, 08:19 AM

A woman take away all your ambitions, crush all your dreams, make you give up all your interests and passions in favour of trying to keep her happy when she never is...

... and on Valentine's Day she expects you to thank her for that.

BossMark · 02-12-15, 11:31 AM

Since my dear beloved wife died after 27 years of marriage, I've become so lonely so I decided to join a dating agency yesterday and they immediately found me a match. I met her only this morning and we both hit it off right away - we even came back to my place and had amazing sex. Don't get me wrong, I'll never forget my wife but this new lady has given me hope that I can live again. She's also promised to be there to comfort me at my wife's funeral tomorrow afternoon

Jimbuna · 02-12-15, 02:35 PM

A Facebook friend of mine posted a video of her infant son with the caption, "Future footballer?"

I watched it expecting to see the little lad kicking a soft ball around, but he just fell over then started screaming.

Jimbuna · 02-12-15, 03:04 PM

Garry Kasparov has been charged with assault after battering an ex-girlfriend over the head with a chess set. Prosecutors say it is the first confirmed Russian case of revenge pawn.

BossMark · 02-13-15, 07:38 AM

I feel a bit sorry for the millions of people who won't receive a Valentines day card this year.

Still, I suppose it's their own fault for getting married.

Jimbuna · 02-13-15, 09:24 AM

For the past twenty years, I've received a Valentine's card from the same secret admirer. So, I was pretty upset when I didn't get one this year.

First my granny dies, now this?

BossMark · 02-13-15, 11:27 AM

I can't wait to see how strong my feminist girlfriend's ethics are on Valentine's Day.

As a strong independent woman who doesn't need a man, I'm sure she'll be delighted to find out she can buy her own bloody chocolates and flowers.

BossMark · 02-13-15, 12:36 PM

You can't please some women. I bought my wife 250 flowers for Valentine's Day.

So what if they spell out 'Granddad'

Jimbuna · 02-14-15, 09:29 AM

Sean Connery walks into a library and asks for a book on solo photography.

"Shelf E," replied the librarian.

"Aye that's the one," said Sean.

BossMark · 02-15-15, 05:37 AM

I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentines Day.
"Ooh", she said, "a nice new Porsche Cayman. To use as a runaround".
"Hold on", I said, "they're bonkers money. I haven't got that sort of cash. That's ridiculous. Be realistic".
"OK", she says, "In that case, I'd like you to be more empathetic, more tender. Listen to me when I've had a tough day with the kids. Help out with the hoovering and dusting. Do the cooking at weekends. Read me poetry sometimes....".
"What colour did you want that Porsche?", I asked, reaching for the phone...

Jimbuna · 02-15-15, 08:34 AM

"I'm sorry but I've had a better offer." I said to a stunning blonde in the bar.

"I ask you to buy me cocktails, take me home in a taxi and make love to me? What could be better than that?" she asked.

"See that fat girl over there?" I said. "She just wants a packet of crisps and lives round the corner."

magic452 · 02-16-15, 02:56 AM

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks,
"What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada! I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year."

Magic

BossMark · 02-16-15, 03:55 AM

My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.

It's hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth.

Jimbuna · 02-16-15, 10:29 AM

Dyslexically, 5 out of 2 people are statistics.

02-12-15, 08:14 AM	#7306
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,468 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I asked the librarian for the book about English Weather. She said, "You mean Fifty Shades of Grey" "Yeah, that's the one" __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

02-12-15, 08:19 AM	#7307
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	A woman take away all your ambitions, crush all your dreams, make you give up all your interests and passions in favour of trying to keep her happy when she never is... ... and on Valentine's Day she expects you to thank her for that. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

02-12-15, 11:31 AM	#7308
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Since my dear beloved wife died after 27 years of marriage, I've become so lonely so I decided to join a dating agency yesterday and they immediately found me a match. I met her only this morning and we both hit it off right away - we even came back to my place and had amazing sex. Don't get me wrong, I'll never forget my wife but this new lady has given me hope that I can live again. She's also promised to be there to comfort me at my wife's funeral tomorrow afternoon __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

02-12-15, 02:35 PM	#7309
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,468 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	A Facebook friend of mine posted a video of her infant son with the caption, "Future footballer?" I watched it expecting to see the little lad kicking a soft ball around, but he just fell over then started screaming. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

02-12-15, 03:04 PM	#7310
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,468 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Garry Kasparov has been charged with assault after battering an ex-girlfriend over the head with a chess set. Prosecutors say it is the first confirmed Russian case of revenge pawn. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

02-13-15, 07:38 AM	#7311
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I feel a bit sorry for the millions of people who won't receive a Valentines day card this year. Still, I suppose it's their own fault for getting married. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

02-13-15, 09:24 AM	#7312
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,468 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	For the past twenty years, I've received a Valentine's card from the same secret admirer. So, I was pretty upset when I didn't get one this year. First my granny dies, now this? __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

02-13-15, 11:27 AM	#7313
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I can't wait to see how strong my feminist girlfriend's ethics are on Valentine's Day. As a strong independent woman who doesn't need a man, I'm sure she'll be delighted to find out she can buy her own bloody chocolates and flowers. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

02-13-15, 12:36 PM	#7314
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	You can't please some women. I bought my wife 250 flowers for Valentine's Day. So what if they spell out 'Granddad' __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

02-14-15, 09:29 AM	#7315
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,468 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Sean Connery walks into a library and asks for a book on solo photography. "Shelf E," replied the librarian. "Aye that's the one," said Sean. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

02-15-15, 05:37 AM	#7316
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentines Day. "Ooh", she said, "a nice new Porsche Cayman. To use as a runaround". "Hold on", I said, "they're bonkers money. I haven't got that sort of cash. That's ridiculous. Be realistic". "OK", she says, "In that case, I'd like you to be more empathetic, more tender. Listen to me when I've had a tough day with the kids. Help out with the hoovering and dusting. Do the cooking at weekends. Read me poetry sometimes....". "What colour did you want that Porsche?", I asked, reaching for the phone... __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

02-15-15, 08:34 AM	#7317
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,468 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	"I'm sorry but I've had a better offer." I said to a stunning blonde in the bar. "I ask you to buy me cocktails, take me home in a taxi and make love to me? What could be better than that?" she asked. "See that fat girl over there?" I said. "She just wants a packet of crisps and lives round the corner." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

02-16-15, 02:56 AM	#7318
magic452 Sea Lord Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Reno Nevada USA Posts: 1,860 Downloads: 85 Uploads: 0	A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?" She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada! I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!" Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year." Magic __________________ Reported lost 11 Feb. 1942 Signature by depthtok33l

02-16-15, 03:55 AM	#7319
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless. It's hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

02-16-15, 10:29 AM	#7320
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,468 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Dyslexically, 5 out of 2 people are statistics. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!