The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

I saw a chameleon today, obviously it's still in training.

[BossMark]

Little Johnny: Mum, I was in the bus yesterday with dad and he asked me to give up my seat for a lady.

Mum: Good, you did the right thing.

Little Johnny: But Mum, I was sitting on dad's lap.

[magic452]

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to
see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has
done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells
him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.



Then he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.

Magic

[BossMark]

My mother in law sounded excited when I told her I've organised a 'Black Tie' event in her honour.

Some people call them funerals.

[BossMark]

Feeling sentimental during our anniversary, my wife asked, "Do you remember the first time we had sex?"

My reply, "I don't even remember the last time we had sex.", ended the night rather abruptly.

[Jimbuna]

My wife just opened my car door for me...

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

[BossMark]

I saw a UFO yesterday.

So I quickly grabbed the worst camera I own to film it with.

[Jimbuna]

I've been searching for my stolen bed.
And I won't rest until I find it.

[BossMark]

I asked my girlfriend to marry me today. She said yes but refused to change her name.

I wanted to call her Tracy so I didn't have to get my tattoo removed.

[Jimbuna]

This Valentine's Day, I will almost certainly be inundated. Sorry. In, undated.

[BossMark]

To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.

You lift one up and shout..... "Where are you from mate?"

[magic452]

A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed ​insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved.

And he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing, Communist who isn't even an American.

So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!

He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"

And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.

Magic

[BossMark]

After being sentenced to 16yrs the captain of the Costa Concordia has been given bail because "he's not a flight risk" ?

I seem to remember him being pretty nippy leaving the ship.

[Jimbuna]

My wife woke me up this morning by screaming hysterically at our son's cot.

I'd forgotten to mention that I'd dressed him up as a Smurf before bedtime.

[BossMark]

So the new Ghostbusters movie is going to have an all female cast?

Surely Dustbusters would be a more fitting name...