The joke thread

[GoldenRivet]

Bernard is frequenting the beach and he is checking out all the hot girls but he isnt having any luck in scoring a date.

he approaches his friend who is always swarming with good looking girls and Bernard asks him "How is it that you pick up all these great looking girls and i cant seem to snag a single one!?"

The friend says "well, the secret is simple, grab a good sized cucumber and stick it down your speedo... then the girls will flock to you." the friend winks and heads back to his harem of beautiful girls.

a few days pass and Bernard again approaches his friend "Hey pal! i took your advice, thanks for nothing... now the girls not only wont talk to me, but they generally act disgusted and avoid me even worse than before!"

the friend looks Bernard over, rolls his eyes and says

"Bernard........ boy..... your supposed to put the cucumber down the front of your speedo."

[BossMark]

Waterboarding at Guantánamo Bay sounds super fun, if you don't know what either of those things are.

[Jimbuna]

The Pope is visiting town and all the residents are dressed up in their best Sunday clothes. Everyone lines up on main street hoping for a personal blessing from the Pope. One local man has put on his best suit and he's sure the Pope will stop and talk to him. He is standing next to an exceptionally down-trodden looking bum who doesn't smell very good.

As the Pope comes walking by he leans over and says something to the bum and then walks right by the local man. He can't believe it, then it hits him. The Pope won't talk to him, he's concerned for the unfortunate people: the poor and and feeble ones.

Thinking fast, he gives the bum $20 to trade clothes with him. He puts on the bum's clothing and runs down the street to line up for another chance for the Pope to stop and talk to him. Sure enough, the Pope walks right up to him this time, leans over close and says "I thought I told you to get the hell out of here!"

[fireftr18]

Originally Posted by Tango589

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.

And then I saw her face.

Now I'm a believer.

[BossMark]

If I had a pound for every time I've needed a coin for a shopping trolley....

[Jimbuna]

I went to a night club with my mates last night and we all had a £20 bet to see who could grab the ugliest woman.

After an hour or so they called my mobile and said, "Where are you?"

I said, "At home with the wife."

[desertstriker]

How does hitler tie his shoes?

With little Nazis.

[BossMark]

My wife has just accused me of being over sensitive.

She didn't even do it in a nice way.

[Jimbuna]

The 7 Dwarves are in a cave when it suddenly collapses.

Snow White is worried for their lives, until she hears a voice from inside the cave saying, "I think David Cameron is a great Prime Minister".

She says, "Thank heavens, at least Dopey's all right!"

[Eichhörnchen]

Salesman rings doorbell, little boy opens door: "Is your Mum in, Sonny?"

"No, she's dead"

"Oh that's terrible to hear, I'm so sorry... is your Dad there?"

"No, he's dead too: his car went over Beachy Head"

"Oh how awful", said the salesman. "Don't you have any aunts or uncles to take care of you?"

"No, they're all dead"

"Oh, my... Grandparents?"

"Dead"

"Oh dear, oh dear! How about sisters then?"

"I had a sister... she was in the car with my Dad"

"Oh no! You poor little guy"

The boy's face suddenly brightened: "I've got a brother!"

"Oh thank heaven!"

"Yes, he's at university!"

"Is he?"

"Yes: he's in a bottle..."

[BossMark]

The other day a veteran was making a fuss:
"Thatcher fought Argentina over a scrap of worthless land and a bunch of sheep!"

I was confused. I never knew Argentina invaded Cardiff.

[Jimbuna]

What do you get when you ask a politician to tell "the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth"?

Three different answers.

[BossMark]

A first date last night asked me my least favourite night of the week.

I don't think bath night was the right answer.

[Jimbuna]

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.

Mittens, if you're reading this, please come home.

[BossMark]

You women may be surprised to learn that making us sleep on the couch isn't that bad. It's kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping......with a really angry bear nearby.