The joke thread - Page 483

Jimbuna · 01-26-15, 02:25 PM

A hoax call was put through to the prime minister at 10 Downing Street.

Luckily Cameron twigged it was a hoax within a few seconds when he realised the caller hadn't called him an idiot and slammed the phone down.

BossMark · 01-27-15, 05:30 AM

What did Sting get in Amsterdam?

A massage in a brothel.

Jimbuna · 01-27-15, 06:12 AM

A man walked in to a bar and said, "I'll have a pint of less, please."

"Less?" the barman replies, "what's that?"

"I don't know either," the man said, "but my doctor told me to drink less."

Jimbuna · 01-27-15, 08:15 AM

I was talking to my granddad earlier. I asked him what he thought of my new striped shirt.

He replied, "It's not my cup of tea."

His dementia is worse than I thought.

BossMark · 01-27-15, 09:34 AM

People claim these days there is no such thing as job security. What a load of bollocks.

There's a bloke in my town who's been selling the Big Issue for the last 20 years.

Jimbuna · 01-27-15, 09:53 AM

I was reading on-line that paranoid schizophrenics are easily amused.

Oh, how we laughed.

BossMark · 01-27-15, 11:50 AM

When he married his wife my brother told me it felt like he " was being hand-cuffed. "

Which is odd , cos when he attended her funeral he was handcuffed as well.

Jimbuna · 01-28-15, 07:24 AM

There's nothing I like more than a woman who knows what she wants in the bedroom.

It makes my job at IKEA that much easier.

BossMark · 01-28-15, 07:49 AM

Tonight on Aircrash Investigation we ask how a perfectly functional, state of the art 747 managed to crash 13 miles off course into a mountain, killing all on board...

June 23rd 1998, it was a clear blue sky and Captain Lucinda Briggs was at the controls...

Well that's that bugga solved, might as well turn over.

Jimbuna · 01-28-15, 07:59 AM

I only have one word for women who look at me like I'm some kind of sex object...

Hi.

BossMark · 01-28-15, 08:17 AM

A woman will walk along the beach in a bikini without a second thought.

But catch one coming out of the bathroom in her bra and pants, and she'll immediately wrap herself in a towel.

Jimbuna · 01-28-15, 09:08 AM

Probably for you but I've never had that problem

BossMark · 01-28-15, 11:47 AM

My dad always said to me, "Take it with a pinch of salt."

Nice man. Made horrible tea.

BossMark · 01-29-15, 06:05 AM

I've got have the world's unluckiest love life.

My wife just left me for my mistress.

Jimbuna · 01-29-15, 09:19 AM

I knocked on my neighbour's door at 3am this morning and said, "I've been listening to your **** music for the last 4 hours!"

"That's impossible." he replied, "My CD's were stolen in a burglary last night."

"I know." I said, "And now I wish that I'd never bothered."

01-26-15, 02:25 PM	#7231
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,320 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	A hoax call was put through to the prime minister at 10 Downing Street. Luckily Cameron twigged it was a hoax within a few seconds when he realised the caller hadn't called him an idiot and slammed the phone down. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-27-15, 05:30 AM	#7232
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	What did Sting get in Amsterdam? A massage in a brothel. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-27-15, 06:12 AM	#7233
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,320 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	A man walked in to a bar and said, "I'll have a pint of less, please." "Less?" the barman replies, "what's that?" "I don't know either," the man said, "but my doctor told me to drink less." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-27-15, 08:15 AM	#7234
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,320 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I was talking to my granddad earlier. I asked him what he thought of my new striped shirt. He replied, "It's not my cup of tea." His dementia is worse than I thought. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-27-15, 09:34 AM	#7235
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	People claim these days there is no such thing as job security. What a load of bollocks. There's a bloke in my town who's been selling the Big Issue for the last 20 years. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-27-15, 09:53 AM	#7236
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,320 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I was reading on-line that paranoid schizophrenics are easily amused. Oh, how we laughed. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-27-15, 11:50 AM	#7237
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	When he married his wife my brother told me it felt like he " was being hand-cuffed. " Which is odd , cos when he attended her funeral he was handcuffed as well. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-28-15, 07:24 AM	#7238
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,320 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	There's nothing I like more than a woman who knows what she wants in the bedroom. It makes my job at IKEA that much easier. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-28-15, 07:49 AM	#7239
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Tonight on Aircrash Investigation we ask how a perfectly functional, state of the art 747 managed to crash 13 miles off course into a mountain, killing all on board... June 23rd 1998, it was a clear blue sky and Captain Lucinda Briggs was at the controls... Well that's that bugga solved, might as well turn over. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-28-15, 07:59 AM	#7240
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,320 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I only have one word for women who look at me like I'm some kind of sex object... Hi. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-28-15, 08:17 AM	#7241
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	A woman will walk along the beach in a bikini without a second thought. But catch one coming out of the bathroom in her bra and pants, and she'll immediately wrap herself in a towel. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-28-15, 09:08 AM	#7242
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,320 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Probably for you but I've never had that problem __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-28-15, 11:47 AM	#7243
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My dad always said to me, "Take it with a pinch of salt." Nice man. Made horrible tea. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-29-15, 06:05 AM	#7244
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I've got have the world's unluckiest love life. My wife just left me for my mistress. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-29-15, 09:19 AM	#7245
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,320 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I knocked on my neighbour's door at 3am this morning and said, "I've been listening to your ** music for the last 4 hours!" "That's impossible." he replied, "My CD's were stolen in a burglary last night." "I know." I said, "And now I wish that I'd never bothered." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!**