The joke thread - Page 482

BossMark · 01-20-15, 12:39 PM

My mum said "you treat this place like a hotel"......

She will regret that when I give her a low score on TripAdvisor for 'rude staff'

Jimbuna · 01-21-15, 07:26 AM

An Irishman wanted to start an ostrich farm.
He went to the bank to borrow enough money to buy 1000 chicks.
A week later he was back at the bank again asking them to finance another 1000 chicks because the first lot had died.
The bank manager asked what had gone wrong.
The Irishman said, "I've absolutely no idea, maybe I planted them too deep or too close together".

BossMark · 01-22-15, 02:03 AM

Gordon Ramsay has been ordered to pay £1.6 million after losing a legal battle with his father-in-law over pub rent.

If you want to know what it feels like to receive a bill that threatens you with financial ruin - try eating at one of his restaurants.

BossMark · 01-22-15, 07:02 AM

The Sun lying about page 3 is nothing new.

"Zoe" from Kent has been 24 for the past 8 years.

Jimbuna · 01-22-15, 07:29 AM

Cilla Black has settled her phone hacking claim.

She was awarded £25. Whilst the Judge accepted her phone had been hacked he stated nobody could understand what she was chuntering on about.

BossMark · 01-23-15, 02:22 AM

I walked into a room full of women last night and was pleased to see I'd immediately got their full attention...

But then nightclubs corridors are dark and the signs on toilet doors often confusing.

BossMark · 01-23-15, 07:02 AM

I went on Mastermind recently. As I took my seat in the famous black chair host John Humphrys asked, "Specialist subject?"

I said, "Celebrity paedophiles from 1970's to Present day..."

"What?" He said shocked.

"Sorry!" I replied, "The BBC."

Jimbuna · 01-23-15, 07:43 AM

An interesting observation. . .
1 The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is FOOTBALL.
3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is BOWLING.
4 The sport of choice for supervisors is CRICKET.
5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6 The sport of choice for Corporate Executives is GOLF.
Conclusion. . .
The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls!

BossMark · 01-24-15, 03:07 AM

My friend said if he got a winning lottery ticket that he would give me half.

Hopefully I get the bit with the bar-code.

Jimbuna · 01-24-15, 09:09 AM

I walked into the pub this morning and the barmaid looked at a spot on my forehead and asked, "Who's your friend?"

"That's a bit rude," I replied, "I feel really insecure about my appearance."

"I'm sorry!" She said pouring me a pint, "this ones on the house."

"Awww, thanks," I smiled, "can my friend have one too?"

magic452 · 01-25-15, 03:19 AM

IRS Audit

The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his
deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3
years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board.

Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about
90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own
room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen
Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to
sleep with my wife occasionally".

IRS AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

Boat Owner: "That would be me. What would you like to know"?

Magic

Jimbuna · 01-25-15, 09:21 AM

Letter to Your Dog magazine:

Q. How can you tell if a dog is a Pit Bull?

A. Look for key identifiers like a low forehead, barrel chest, bandy legs and an aggressive stance, as well as there usually being a thick chain around the neck.

If those features are present, chances are that the dog they have with them is a Pit Bull.

BossMark · 01-25-15, 03:26 PM

Decided to do a bit of sex role play with the wife. I went for the postman role.

Didn't go well when I delivered to the wrong address.

Jimbuna · 01-26-15, 12:55 PM

Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of
humus and Taramasalata.

..........It's a double dip recession.

BossMark · 01-26-15, 02:17 PM

So Prince Charles and David Cameron flew out to Saudi Arabia for the funeral of King Abdullah.

That's all they needed... Chaz and Dave turning up.

01-20-15, 12:39 PM	#7216
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My mum said "you treat this place like a hotel"...... She will regret that when I give her a low score on TripAdvisor for 'rude staff' __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-21-15, 07:26 AM	#7217
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,142 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	An Irishman wanted to start an ostrich farm. He went to the bank to borrow enough money to buy 1000 chicks. A week later he was back at the bank again asking them to finance another 1000 chicks because the first lot had died. The bank manager asked what had gone wrong. The Irishman said, "I've absolutely no idea, maybe I planted them too deep or too close together". __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-22-15, 02:03 AM	#7218
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Gordon Ramsay has been ordered to pay £1.6 million after losing a legal battle with his father-in-law over pub rent. If you want to know what it feels like to receive a bill that threatens you with financial ruin - try eating at one of his restaurants. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-22-15, 07:02 AM	#7219
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	The Sun lying about page 3 is nothing new. "Zoe" from Kent has been 24 for the past 8 years. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-22-15, 07:29 AM	#7220
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,142 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Cilla Black has settled her phone hacking claim. She was awarded £25. Whilst the Judge accepted her phone had been hacked he stated nobody could understand what she was chuntering on about. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-23-15, 02:22 AM	#7221
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I walked into a room full of women last night and was pleased to see I'd immediately got their full attention... But then nightclubs corridors are dark and the signs on toilet doors often confusing. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-23-15, 07:02 AM	#7222
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I went on Mastermind recently. As I took my seat in the famous black chair host John Humphrys asked, "Specialist subject?" I said, "Celebrity paedophiles from 1970's to Present day..." "What?" He said shocked. "Sorry!" I replied, "The BBC." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-23-15, 07:43 AM	#7223
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,142 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	An interesting observation. . . 1 The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL. 2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is FOOTBALL. 3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is BOWLING. 4 The sport of choice for supervisors is CRICKET. 5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS. 6 The sport of choice for Corporate Executives is GOLF. Conclusion. . . The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls! __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-24-15, 03:07 AM	#7224
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My friend said if he got a winning lottery ticket that he would give me half. Hopefully I get the bit with the bar-code. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-24-15, 09:09 AM	#7225
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,142 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I walked into the pub this morning and the barmaid looked at a spot on my forehead and asked, "Who's your friend?" "That's a bit rude," I replied, "I feel really insecure about my appearance." "I'm sorry!" She said pouring me a pint, "this ones on the house." "Awww, thanks," I smiled, "can my friend have one too?" __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-25-15, 03:19 AM	#7226
magic452 Sea Lord Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Reno Nevada USA Posts: 1,860 Downloads: 85 Uploads: 0	IRS Audit The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him. IRS AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them". Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally". IRS AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one". Boat Owner: "That would be me. What would you like to know"? Magic __________________ Reported lost 11 Feb. 1942 Signature by depthtok33l

01-25-15, 09:21 AM	#7227
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,142 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Letter to Your Dog magazine: Q. How can you tell if a dog is a Pit Bull? A. Look for key identifiers like a low forehead, barrel chest, bandy legs and an aggressive stance, as well as there usually being a thick chain around the neck. If those features are present, chances are that the dog they have with them is a Pit Bull. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-25-15, 03:26 PM	#7228
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Decided to do a bit of sex role play with the wife. I went for the postman role. Didn't go well when I delivered to the wrong address. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-26-15, 12:55 PM	#7229
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,142 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of humus and Taramasalata. ..........It's a double dip recession. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-26-15, 02:17 PM	#7230
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	So Prince Charles and David Cameron flew out to Saudi Arabia for the funeral of King Abdullah. That's all they needed... Chaz and Dave turning up. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now