The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

I've just seen a truck turn into some bloke.

I couldn't believe it.

I wish I had transformers when I was a kid.

[BossMark]

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in America to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of schools.

[Jimbuna]

My mum was impressed with my newly completed bathroom, but suggested I get a toilet brush? I'm not so sure.. having used it for the first time today, I can honestly say I prefer toilet paper.

[BossMark]

An Irish family have frozen to death outside a theatre in Dublin.
They had been queuing for 3 weeks to see Closed For The Winter.

[Jimbuna]

My wife arrived back from her driving test.

"So," I asked excitedly, "how did you get on?"

"Not good," she replied. "He failed me."

"Oh dear!" I said sympathetically. "It can't be that bad; what did he pull you up on?"

"A rope," she replied. "The car's still in the river."

[BossMark]

Paddy takes his new wife home on his wedding night.She lies on the bed, spread-eagled, naked, and says, "Paddy....you know what I want.....""Yeah....the whole bloody bed by the looks of it!"

[Jimbuna]

I was watching a football match in Japan, in the end they started doing martial arts.

I asked the bloke next to me "Whats going on?"

He said "There's 2 minutes of ninjury time."

[BossMark]

The latest Christmas toy has just hit the shops - a talking Muslim doll.
Only problem is, nobody knows what it says yet because nobody has the bollocks to pull the bloody cord!

[Jimbuna]

I hear O.J. Simpson and his first wife are getting back together.

They decided to take another stab at it.

[Sailor Steve]

The dyslexic atheist says there is no Dog.

The dyslexic insomniac agnostic lies awake all night wondering whether there's a Dog or not.

[Jimbuna]

Now listen carefully 007, This may look like a normal Blackberry.

But it's one that actually works.

[BossMark]

France officially commended Zinedine Zidane for his head-butting antics during the previous World Cup.Apparently, he was the first man in the last 100 years to fight in French uniform and win

[Grayghost59]

Originally Posted by BossMark

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "You don"t like getting flowers?"The redhead says, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don"t feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."The blonde says, "Don"t you have a vase?"

I've laughed so hard I'm in tears.Funny thing is I bet we all know at least one person who would ask the last questions. Thanks for making my day.

[Jimbuna]

I told my wife that I'd make tea tonight. I've got a tin of corned beef, some potatoes and an onion.

I'm making a complete hash of it

[BossMark]

I took this lass home last night, but I was a bit surprised when she told me before we got started that she used to be a hooker.
I was a bit taken aback, but I told her it was OK, the past was the past.
Then she told me her name had been Dave and she"d played for Leeds Rhinos.