The joke thread - Page 478

Jimbuna · 01-07-15, 11:05 AM

A man flying in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. Reducing altitude, he spotted a man on the ground and descended to shouting range.

"Excuse me," he shouted. "Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him a half hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below responded: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees North Latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees West Longitude."

"You must be an engineer," responded the balloonist.

"I am," the man replied. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

Whereupon the man on the ground responded, "You must be a manager."

"That I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

BossMark · 01-08-15, 02:31 AM

I said to my wife, "You look like a million pounds."

"Don't you mean dollars?" she replied,

"I know what I mean," I said.

Jimbuna · 01-08-15, 07:47 AM

Dyslexics of the world untie!

BossMark · 01-09-15, 12:37 AM

My blonde wife called me at work and said she can't find her glasses, so I told her to use her contacts.

She rang me back an hour later to say she had called everyone in her phone and none of them knew where they were either.

Jimbuna · 01-09-15, 08:46 AM

We all have something we can brag about.

For instance, I like to boast about how many women I haven't slept with.

BossMark · 01-09-15, 02:16 PM

I watched my wife give birth today and it was amazing to see what technology is available.

I would have missed it all if it wasn't for iPhone FaceTime, and free wifi in the pub.

BossMark · 01-09-15, 04:03 PM

The police had me strapped into a chair and wired up for a lie-detector test.

"I hope we can get this over with soon," I said as I squirmed uncomfortably. "I sure hate being bound up tightly like this."

The detective just rolled his eyes at me as the indicator zig-zagged wildly up and down the polygraph.

"All right, fine, fine, fine, I love it!" I admitted.

Jimbuna · 01-10-15, 08:26 AM

I used to have a multiple personality disorder.

Luckily two of them were doctors and one was an eminent psychiatrist, so now I'm fine.

Jimbuna · 01-10-15, 08:57 AM

If Aliens see a human walking his dog then picking up the dogs crap, who do they think is the smartest being on earth?

BossMark · 01-10-15, 02:21 PM

I just watched the film 'American Sniper', and I was quite surprised.

I was expecting him to be a high school kid.

Jimbuna · 01-11-15, 07:24 AM

My daughters boyfriend was confused as he unwrapped the shower gel me and my wife bought him for Christmas to find the receipt attached...

I said' "Just in case you want to take it back and exchange it for something you'll use."

BossMark · 01-11-15, 09:05 AM

I like to read while I'm on the toilet.

If I didn't I would never have got my wife's number.

Jimbuna · 01-12-15, 07:19 AM

I have an old Commodore locked away in the attic.

That'll teach the bugga for dancing on my ceiling.

BossMark · 01-12-15, 07:37 AM

I went to a fancy dress party in Birmingham where the theme was "spice".

I went as a chilli but everyone else was an astronaut.

Jimbuna · 01-12-15, 08:09 AM

Well the judge said that from now on I can only see my children with supervision.

I said why, how far away will they be?

01-07-15, 11:05 AM	#7156
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,140 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	A man flying in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. Reducing altitude, he spotted a man on the ground and descended to shouting range. "Excuse me," he shouted. "Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him a half hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man below responded: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees North Latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees West Longitude." "You must be an engineer," responded the balloonist. "I am," the man replied. "How did you know?" "Well," said the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost." Whereupon the man on the ground responded, "You must be a manager." "That I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were before we met, but now it is somehow my fault." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-08-15, 02:31 AM	#7157
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I said to my wife, "You look like a million pounds." "Don't you mean dollars?" she replied, "I know what I mean," I said. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-08-15, 07:47 AM	#7158
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,140 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Dyslexics of the world untie! __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-09-15, 12:37 AM	#7159
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My blonde wife called me at work and said she can't find her glasses, so I told her to use her contacts. She rang me back an hour later to say she had called everyone in her phone and none of them knew where they were either. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-09-15, 08:46 AM	#7160
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,140 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	We all have something we can brag about. For instance, I like to boast about how many women I haven't slept with. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-09-15, 02:16 PM	#7161
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I watched my wife give birth today and it was amazing to see what technology is available. I would have missed it all if it wasn't for iPhone FaceTime, and free wifi in the pub. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-09-15, 04:03 PM	#7162
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	The police had me strapped into a chair and wired up for a lie-detector test. "I hope we can get this over with soon," I said as I squirmed uncomfortably. "I sure hate being bound up tightly like this." The detective just rolled his eyes at me as the indicator zig-zagged wildly up and down the polygraph. "All right, fine, fine, fine, I love it!" I admitted. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-10-15, 08:26 AM	#7163
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,140 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I used to have a multiple personality disorder. Luckily two of them were doctors and one was an eminent psychiatrist, so now I'm fine. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-10-15, 08:57 AM	#7164
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,140 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	If Aliens see a human walking his dog then picking up the dogs crap, who do they think is the smartest being on earth? __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-10-15, 02:21 PM	#7165
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I just watched the film 'American Sniper', and I was quite surprised. I was expecting him to be a high school kid. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-11-15, 07:24 AM	#7166
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,140 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My daughters boyfriend was confused as he unwrapped the shower gel me and my wife bought him for Christmas to find the receipt attached... I said' "Just in case you want to take it back and exchange it for something you'll use." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-11-15, 09:05 AM	#7167
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I like to read while I'm on the toilet. If I didn't I would never have got my wife's number. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-12-15, 07:19 AM	#7168
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,140 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I have an old Commodore locked away in the attic. That'll teach the bugga for dancing on my ceiling. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-12-15, 07:37 AM	#7169
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I went to a fancy dress party in Birmingham where the theme was "spice". I went as a chilli but everyone else was an astronaut. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-12-15, 08:09 AM	#7170
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,140 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Well the judge said that from now on I can only see my children with supervision. I said why, how far away will they be? __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!