The joke thread - Page 474

BossMark · 12-20-14, 09:48 AM

WANTED: Assistant required to fill hourglasses with sand.

No time wasters.

Jimbuna · 12-20-14, 10:13 AM

I recently learned "Mandarin" and so far its a load of rubbish. Not a single piece of fruit has understood me.

BossMark · 12-21-14, 02:00 AM

50 percent off glasses in Specsavers today.

I Came out with a monocle.

Jimbuna · 12-21-14, 10:41 AM

At breakfast this morning, my wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter.

I nearly choked on my #Brown

BossMark · 12-22-14, 02:59 AM

I was entering a singles bar last night when a bouncer started patting me down.

He said, "Have you got anything on you that you shouldn't have?"

"Yes," I replied, "My wedding ring ."

Jimbuna · 12-22-14, 10:38 AM

I had one too many Foster's last night.

One.

BossMark · 12-23-14, 03:31 AM

We went to visit my parents and dad was desperate to take me out for a drink.

"Come on," he said. "It'll be like old times."

It was too. He went into the pub and got pissed while I sat in the car with a lemonade and a packet of crisps.

Jimbuna · 12-23-14, 10:31 AM

He's making a list,
He's checking it twice,
He's gonna find out who's got pubic lice,
Santa Clause is sleeping around

BossMark · 12-23-14, 11:32 AM

This year, we've decided to have our Christmas dinner on 5th January.

Thanks a bloody bunch, Sainsbury's online.

BossMark · 12-24-14, 12:39 AM

I was in the queue at Starbucks this morning. The man getting served in front of me, asked for a mocha. "Sorry sir, but we're out of mochas". The guy was fuming "I have a mocha every morning when I come in here!", he raged, "I'll just have to have a latte!". He went and sat down.

I went to the counter and said "I'll have a large latte too, please". They asked me for my name. I asked why they needed it and they told me that they'd write it on my cup and shout it when it was ready.

So I told them my name was Mocha.

Jimbuna · 12-24-14, 09:16 AM

North Koreans are wondering why their computers were unusable for nine hours.

They call it a cyber-attack. In the west it's better known as Windows Update.

BossMark · 12-24-14, 09:46 AM

My wife fell into the river and was screaming for me to help.

I took out my phone but there was no signal.

I will just have to upload the pics to Facebook when I get home.

Jimbuna · 12-24-14, 10:09 AM

I just checked the NORAD website, and it's not looking good.

They lost contact with Santa somewhere over the Ukraine.

BossMark · 12-25-14, 05:25 AM

We've just played the Christmas edition of Cluedo.

My wife murdered Christmas dinner, in the kitchen, with the oven

BossMark · 12-26-14, 07:08 AM

I was rallying to protest against fox hunting when one of the so called hunters came to me and said
"don't knock hunting, until you've tried it dear boy." then smugly walked off.

So, next day i did,
.. his head is now on my wall.

12-20-14, 09:48 AM	#7096
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	WANTED: Assistant required to fill hourglasses with sand. No time wasters. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

12-20-14, 10:13 AM	#7097
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,083 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I recently learned "Mandarin" and so far its a load of rubbish. Not a single piece of fruit has understood me. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

12-21-14, 02:00 AM	#7098
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	50 percent off glasses in Specsavers today. I Came out with a monocle. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

12-21-14, 10:41 AM	#7099
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,083 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	At breakfast this morning, my wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter. I nearly choked on my #Brown __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

12-22-14, 02:59 AM	#7100
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I was entering a singles bar last night when a bouncer started patting me down. He said, "Have you got anything on you that you shouldn't have?" "Yes," I replied, "My wedding ring ." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

12-22-14, 10:38 AM	#7101
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,083 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I had one too many Foster's last night. One. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

12-23-14, 03:31 AM	#7102
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	We went to visit my parents and dad was desperate to take me out for a drink. "Come on," he said. "It'll be like old times." It was too. He went into the pub and got pissed while I sat in the car with a lemonade and a packet of crisps. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

12-23-14, 10:31 AM	#7103
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,083 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	He's making a list, He's checking it twice, He's gonna find out who's got pubic lice, Santa Clause is sleeping around __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

12-23-14, 11:32 AM	#7104
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	This year, we've decided to have our Christmas dinner on 5th January. Thanks a bloody bunch, Sainsbury's online. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

12-24-14, 12:39 AM	#7105
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I was in the queue at Starbucks this morning. The man getting served in front of me, asked for a mocha. "Sorry sir, but we're out of mochas". The guy was fuming "I have a mocha every morning when I come in here!", he raged, "I'll just have to have a latte!". He went and sat down. I went to the counter and said "I'll have a large latte too, please". They asked me for my name. I asked why they needed it and they told me that they'd write it on my cup and shout it when it was ready. So I told them my name was Mocha. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

12-24-14, 09:16 AM	#7106
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,083 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	North Koreans are wondering why their computers were unusable for nine hours. They call it a cyber-attack. In the west it's better known as Windows Update. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

12-24-14, 09:46 AM	#7107
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My wife fell into the river and was screaming for me to help. I took out my phone but there was no signal. I will just have to upload the pics to Facebook when I get home. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

12-24-14, 10:09 AM	#7108
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,083 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I just checked the NORAD website, and it's not looking good. They lost contact with Santa somewhere over the Ukraine. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

12-25-14, 05:25 AM	#7109
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	We've just played the Christmas edition of Cluedo. My wife murdered Christmas dinner, in the kitchen, with the oven __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

12-26-14, 07:08 AM	#7110
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I was rallying to protest against fox hunting when one of the so called hunters came to me and said "don't knock hunting, until you've tried it dear boy." then smugly walked off. So, next day i did, .. his head is now on my wall. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now