The joke thread - Page 460

Jimbuna · 11-03-14, 10:34 AM

I'm a massive computer game geek, and people keep telling me to get a life.

Then I thought to myself, I don't need to get a life, I'm a gamer so I have lots of lives.

BossMark · 11-04-14, 01:37 AM

As of today my sister is insisting I greet her whenever I see her with an 'Hello Rachel'.
It would seem 'Hi Sis' has lost its appeal after I picked her up at the airport and shouted it across the arrivals lounge

magic452 · 11-04-14, 02:09 AM

I was at the ATM the other day and this old lady asked me to help check her balance..... So I pushed her over.

Magic

BossMark · 11-04-14, 03:16 AM

An unmarried mother has given birth to piglets.

The child support agency is now looking for the swine responsible.

Jimbuna · 11-04-14, 08:04 AM

A man has died as a result of eating 47 omelettes.

The coroner recorded a verdict of misadventure stating that his mates had egged him on.

BossMark · 11-04-14, 08:09 AM

I once went up to the cockpit of a plane where my old classmate Jack was flying the plane....
No sooner than I greeted him, I was restrained.

Jimbuna · 11-04-14, 08:09 AM

I walked into a dentist's office. The dentist asked me what the problem was.
I said, "I'm a moth."
The dentist said, "You're a moth?"
I said, "Yes! I'm a moth. I act like a moth. I think like a moth. I'm a moth!"
The dentist said, "Sir, I think you want the psychiatrist's office. He's two doors further down the hall."
I said, "I know. I was on my way there, but your light was on."

BossMark · 11-04-14, 10:43 AM

I asked my son why he wants to marry so young. He said it's so he can have sex whenever he feels like it...

He's in for quite a surprise.

BossMark · 11-05-14, 05:24 AM

I'll never forgive myself for passing up the chance to say two words that could have made me happy forever:

"I don't."

Jimbuna · 11-05-14, 08:08 AM

According to serving suggestions, I'm a family of four.

BossMark · 11-06-14, 12:38 AM

A wife is like a hand grenade.

Remove the ring, and your house is gone.

Jimbuna · 11-06-14, 08:15 AM

My grandfather always did have a sense of humour.

The moment before he died, his last words were:

"Staring contest, go!"

BossMark · 11-06-14, 02:25 PM

My blonde wife just called me and said "Dave, I've done what you always said I should do and become an entrepreneur, instead of working down the chippy".

I said "fantastic love, what have you done"?

She replied "I've bought a 'tax disc holder' business from a guy on Ebay".

Jimbuna · 11-06-14, 02:38 PM

Whenever your wife tells you she's not talking to you.

She's lying.

BossMark · 11-06-14, 03:13 PM

AC/DC star attempted to procure the murder of two unnamed people.

Days after 'Highway to Hell' was sung by Simon Cowell's act on X-Factor.

11-03-14, 10:34 AM	#6886
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,585 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I'm a massive computer game geek, and people keep telling me to get a life. Then I thought to myself, I don't need to get a life, I'm a gamer so I have lots of lives. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

11-04-14, 01:37 AM	#6887
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	As of today my sister is insisting I greet her whenever I see her with an 'Hello Rachel'. It would seem 'Hi Sis' has lost its appeal after I picked her up at the airport and shouted it across the arrivals lounge __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

11-04-14, 02:09 AM	#6888
magic452 Sea Lord Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Reno Nevada USA Posts: 1,860 Downloads: 85 Uploads: 0	I was at the ATM the other day and this old lady asked me to help check her balance..... So I pushed her over. Magic __________________ Reported lost 11 Feb. 1942 Signature by depthtok33l

11-04-14, 03:16 AM	#6889
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	An unmarried mother has given birth to piglets. The child support agency is now looking for the swine responsible. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

11-04-14, 08:04 AM	#6890
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,585 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	A man has died as a result of eating 47 omelettes. The coroner recorded a verdict of misadventure stating that his mates had egged him on. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

11-04-14, 08:09 AM	#6891
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I once went up to the cockpit of a plane where my old classmate Jack was flying the plane.... No sooner than I greeted him, I was restrained. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

11-04-14, 08:09 AM	#6892
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,585 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I walked into a dentist's office. The dentist asked me what the problem was. I said, "I'm a moth." The dentist said, "You're a moth?" I said, "Yes! I'm a moth. I act like a moth. I think like a moth. I'm a moth!" The dentist said, "Sir, I think you want the psychiatrist's office. He's two doors further down the hall." I said, "I know. I was on my way there, but your light was on." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

11-04-14, 10:43 AM	#6893
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I asked my son why he wants to marry so young. He said it's so he can have sex whenever he feels like it... He's in for quite a surprise. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

11-05-14, 05:24 AM	#6894
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I'll never forgive myself for passing up the chance to say two words that could have made me happy forever: "I don't." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

11-05-14, 08:08 AM	#6895
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,585 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	According to serving suggestions, I'm a family of four. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

11-06-14, 12:38 AM	#6896
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

11-06-14, 08:15 AM	#6897
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,585 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My grandfather always did have a sense of humour. The moment before he died, his last words were: "Staring contest, go!" __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

11-06-14, 02:25 PM	#6898
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My blonde wife just called me and said "Dave, I've done what you always said I should do and become an entrepreneur, instead of working down the chippy". I said "fantastic love, what have you done"? She replied "I've bought a 'tax disc holder' business from a guy on Ebay". __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

11-06-14, 02:38 PM	#6899
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,585 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Whenever your wife tells you she's not talking to you. She's lying. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

11-06-14, 03:13 PM	#6900
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	AC/DC star attempted to procure the murder of two unnamed people. Days after 'Highway to Hell' was sung by Simon Cowell's act on X-Factor. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now