The joke thread

[BossMark]

I saved £463 on my car insurance today.

Now I've just got to hope that I don't get pulled over in the next 12 months.

[Jimbuna]

"If you eat much more of that you're going to explode!" said my wife to our young son, as he shovelled in another mouthful of bacon.

Of course, statistically, he's far more likely to explode if he never eats any bacon at all.

[Eichhörnchen]

I made this one myself for Subsim, so I hope it is original:

A woman had been buying dog food at the local supermarket for years even though she was never seen with a dog and, as in a previous (similar) joke, she explained that it was for her husband who thought he was a dog.

Well one day the girl from the supermarket asked the woman why she never saw her husband out with her anymore. She explained that he no longer came out for walks with her as she was no longer able to get enough plastic carrier-bags.

[BossMark]

"Be careful!" screamed the teenage mum to her three brats on the bus to work this morning.

Hypocrite.

[Jimbuna]

I wonder what will end first, the Oscar Pistorious case, or the DFS sale?

[BossMark]

Oscar Pistorius has no money left.

No wonder. Paying off a judge isn't cheap.

[Jimbuna]

First Tiger Woods, then Lance Armstrong, and now Oscar Pistorius. I think Nike should start telling their athletes "Don't Do It"

[BossMark]

My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure.

So I told him if he didn't stop bleeding right away, he'd die.

[Jimbuna]

"It's time for Earth to get another disaster God." said the Angel Gabriel.
"OK, blindfold me and i'll randomly point, and wherever I shall point, they shall be targeted immediately with the full scale horrors of famine, disease, and pestilence, nothing can change my decision.... NOTHING!!!"
Gabriel blindfolds God, and spins him around, and then God points toward Earth.
"You've picked out Iceland for a change and not Africa!" said Gabriel.
"Best of three?" replied God.

[BossMark]

Heathrow airport has abandoned its Ebola screening program .
Its equipment to detect overheated, sweating, hunched up passengers has so far identified everyone arriving on a Ryan Air flight.

[Jimbuna]

Beckham's son turned up to training at Old Trafford this morning, for the youth squad.
A few of the other lads were asking him what number shirt he would be wearing.

He approached the team coach to ask what jersey he should put on.

"Wear four out there Romeo." He replied.

[BossMark]

I was watching football in the lounge when I heard my wife say , ' would you like chicken,beef or lamb darling.'
' I'll have chicken please, ' I replied.
' You're having soup,you fat sod ' she said, ' I was talking to the cat. '

[Jimbuna]

My vacuum cleaner packed up so I wrapped it up in a Sunderland scarf.
Now it sucks again.

[BossMark]

The Oscar Pistorius case has provoked a long overdue debate about South African prisons. One former inmate told the 'Independent' newspaper 'When you go there you stay alone. The cell is dark. It's only having a bed, a toilet and a washing basin. You don't see anything, it's like a hole. I stayed there for three to four weeks.'
Poor Oscar will have to put up with the dark, but as long as the toilet doesn't have a door, the other inmates should be safe.

[Eichhörnchen]

If a mouse went out to work, would it eek out a living?