The joke thread - Page 453

Jimbuna · 10-14-14, 08:31 AM

When I was young, my grandmother gave me a locket which I have worn around my neck ever since.

I'm just waiting to get a sore throat so I can use it.

BossMark · 10-14-14, 01:32 PM

Just £2 can help a disabled African learn the difference between an intruder and his girlfriend. Text OSCAR to 62226 now.

BossMark · 10-15-14, 04:13 AM

Michael McIntyre has stormed off stage because a woman in the front row wouldn't get off of her phone.

She was only trying to find out what time the comedian was coming on!

Jimbuna · 10-15-14, 08:44 AM

To take a driving lesson anywhere in this country you need a provisional license, except in Liverpool.

There you just need a screwdriver.

BossMark · 10-15-14, 10:46 AM

My wife and I got kicked off of a National Express coach today.

All I did was stand up and shout " Ebola, I got Ebola."

Anyone would think that Scrabble was illegal.

magic452 · 10-16-14, 01:47 AM

An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”

The waiter replied, ”Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning.
A delicacy!”

The American, though momentarily daunted, said, “What the hell, I’m on vacation! Bring me an order!”

The waiter replied, “I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning.

If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!”

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, “These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!”

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,

“Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins.”

Magic

Eichhörnchen · 10-16-14, 02:58 AM

Eichhörnchen · 10-16-14, 05:38 AM

A man went to his doctor: "I've got something awful wrong with me, doc"

"Well, what are the symptoms?"

"They're a dysfunctional US family in an animated sitcom"

BossMark · 10-16-14, 06:42 AM

A lorry has shed its load of electrical goods on the M57 in Liverpool
police said the road will be closed for at least five minutes.

Jimbuna · 10-16-14, 08:54 AM

Trust me.

Education is important but becoming a model is importanter.

BossMark · 10-16-14, 09:34 AM

Cadbury's have brought out a new box of chocolates for inconsiderate people.
They're self centred.

CaptainRamius · 10-16-14, 09:38 AM

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be Bagels!
Get it? Get it?

BossMark · 10-16-14, 10:45 AM

The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea and stomach pains.

Kind of like when I see my wife on the computer and remember that I haven't deleted the internet history.

Jimbuna · 10-16-14, 01:16 PM

Heard the one about the cowboy that was made out of brown paper, he got arrested for rustling.....

Eichhörnchen · 10-16-14, 01:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

Heard the one about the cowboy that was made out of brown paper, he got arrested for rustling.....

#6630 (gotcha!)

10-14-14, 08:31 AM	#6781
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,320 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	When I was young, my grandmother gave me a locket which I have worn around my neck ever since. I'm just waiting to get a sore throat so I can use it. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

10-14-14, 01:32 PM	#6782
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Just £2 can help a disabled African learn the difference between an intruder and his girlfriend. Text OSCAR to 62226 now. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-15-14, 04:13 AM	#6783
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Michael McIntyre has stormed off stage because a woman in the front row wouldn't get off of her phone. She was only trying to find out what time the comedian was coming on! __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-15-14, 08:44 AM	#6784
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,320 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	To take a driving lesson anywhere in this country you need a provisional license, except in Liverpool. There you just need a screwdriver. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

10-15-14, 10:46 AM	#6785
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My wife and I got kicked off of a National Express coach today. All I did was stand up and shout " Ebola, I got Ebola." Anyone would think that Scrabble was illegal. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-16-14, 01:47 AM	#6786
magic452 Sea Lord Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Reno Nevada USA Posts: 1,860 Downloads: 85 Uploads: 0	An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?” The waiter replied, ”Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!” The American, though momentarily daunted, said, “What the hell, I’m on vacation! Bring me an order!” The waiter replied, “I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!” The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, “These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!” The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins.” Magic __________________ Reported lost 11 Feb. 1942 Signature by depthtok33l

10-16-14, 02:58 AM	#6787
Eichhörnchen Starte das Auto Join Date: Aug 2014 Location: The Fens Posts: 17,497 Downloads: 5 Uploads: 0

10-16-14, 05:38 AM	#6788
Eichhörnchen Starte das Auto Join Date: Aug 2014 Location: The Fens Posts: 17,497 Downloads: 5 Uploads: 0	A man went to his doctor: "I've got something awful wrong with me, doc" "Well, what are the symptoms?" "They're a dysfunctional US family in an animated sitcom"

10-16-14, 06:42 AM	#6789
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	A lorry has shed its load of electrical goods on the M57 in Liverpool police said the road will be closed for at least five minutes. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-16-14, 08:54 AM	#6790
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,320 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Trust me. Education is important but becoming a model is importanter. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

10-16-14, 09:34 AM	#6791
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Cadbury's have brought out a new box of chocolates for inconsiderate people. They're self centred. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-16-14, 09:38 AM	#6792
CaptainRamius Sonar Guy Join Date: May 2014 Location: In shallow waters Posts: 388 Downloads: 19 Uploads: 0	Joke (the best) Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be Bagels! Get it? Get it?

10-16-14, 10:45 AM	#6793
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea and stomach pains. Kind of like when I see my wife on the computer and remember that I haven't deleted the internet history. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-16-14, 01:16 PM	#6794
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,320 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Heard the one about the cowboy that was made out of brown paper, he got arrested for rustling..... __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!