The joke thread

[BossMark]

The wife said, "If you had to buy one thing to sum up the way you feel about me Dave what would it be?

Judging by the look on her face, I don't think 'Vanish' was an appropriate answer.

[BossMark]

A foreign bloke asked me "What are those really annoying black and yellow creatures that sting people?"

I replied "They're called Traffic Wardens. "

[Herr-Berbunch]

I have a racing snail, I removed the shell to make it lighter and more streamlined but alas it just became more sluggish.

[Jimbuna]

"I have proof you've been having an affair and if you don't promise to do everything I say from now on I'm taking everything!" my wife stormed at me

"Everything you say?" I asked

"Yes everything, no matter what!"

"Yes dear" I said as I reached out to put a hand on her chest

"What do you think you are doing?!" she raged

"Just feeling your heart beat"

"Well you can stop that right now!"

"Yes dear" I said as I reached for a knife.

[BossMark]

"I don't know why everyone is banging on about this new trailer for Taken 3" said my Scottish mate the other day

"I played it years ago on the original Playstation"

[Jimbuna]

Jesus walks into a bar with his disciples.

"Thirteen glasses of water, please," Jesus said to the barman, winking at the others.

[BossMark]

My sister-in-law walks the streets and makes it hard for men in cars.
She's a traffic warden.

[Jimbuna]

Many scientists agree the only way to solve the planet's worsening energy crisis is for the whole world to convert to solar power.


That's not going to happen overnight.

[BossMark]

Prince William has told Paparazzi to stop trying to take photographs of Prince George, and has threatened court action.

William is quoted as saying, "My son must be permitted to lead as ordinary a life as possible ...

Now get away from our castle ..."

[Jimbuna]

Tekken:

A kidnap thriller starring Liam Neeson, set in Newcastle.

[BossMark]

I had to go and identify my wife's body.

"I'm honestly not sure," I said when they pulled back the sheet. "It might help if you shoved a piece of cake in her mouth."

[Jimbuna]

I just saw Audley Harrison down at the local off licence and he ordered two bottles of rum, a bottle of brandy, three bottles of Martini, a bottle of whisky and some fruit juice.

I think he was trying to learn how to make a punch.

[BossMark]

Satan walked into a packed bar and shouted,

"I'm pissed off with hearing all about Jesus turning water into wine so I'm going to be a badass and turn it all the alcohol into water."

There was a blinding flash and all at once the alcohol had been turned into water.


"Cheers Satan, " a voice piped up, "I was drinking Fosters, but this is much stronger."

[Jimbuna]

My son was feeling down, after yet another failed job interview.

"Look son, think of yourself as Van Gogh." I comforted. "Everybody told him he could never be an artist because he only had one ear. But do you know what he said to that?"

"What?"


"That's right."

[BossMark]

I've just posted an abusive comment about the McCanns on my wife's Twitter profile.

Now I wait.