The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

As I undid my wife from behind I whispered in her ear, "I've got a surprise for you"

"Ohh, What is it?"

"Here, a new apron, throw that old one in the bin"

[BossMark]

What"s the difference between a hedgehog and a bus full of man united supporters?The hedgehog"s got the pricks on the outside.

[Jimbuna]

Im so glad I dont have one of them basic mobile phones, you know the type...
Only makes calls.....no texts or social media....
or Blackberry as they more commonly known as

[Sailor Steve]

All I wanted was a simple calls-only phone, but...





Wow, man - deja vu!

[BossMark]

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn"t buy them a bigger bed and they weren"t strong enough to nick one.The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn"t want to have any more children.The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don"t see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.""Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, parts of Bradford, anywhere in Scotland and most blondes

[Jimbuna]

I walked in after taking the dog for a walk through the park last night.

"Are you crying?" My wife frowned.

"I just want a bit of sex," I replied.

"Well, why don't you just take advantage?" she winked.

"I did," I replied. "And she had pepper spray in her bag."

[BossMark]

What does an Essex girl say after her eleventh orgasm?
"So, do you all play for the same team?"

[Jimbuna]

Rumours are That Spanish FA have approached Lords Cricket Ground to borrow their score board for tonight's game of Spain v Scotland.

[BossMark]

I staggered out of the pub and down the street, until I was stopped by a policeman.He said, "Where do you think you"re going in that state?"I replied, "I"m going to a lecture."He said, "Yeah, right. Who gives a lecture at this time of night?""My wife," I said.

[JU_88]

Originally Posted by BossMark

Try saying "halal meat" without sounding like a Geordie greeting someone.

Reminds me of trying to say "beer can" without sounding like a Jamacian pronouncing "Bacon"

[Hottentot]

More a practical joke than a traditional one, but surprisingly easy to pull off, provided that you know a suitable victim.

Me: "Hey, did you know I can tell the future?"
Victim: "No you can't."
Me: "Sure I can. I can prove it by telling your future, for example."
Victim: "OK, prove it."
Me: "Let's see [looking all mystical] you will shout soon."
Victim: "No I won't"
Me: "[Confident smile] Yes you will."
Victim: "No I won't!"
Me: "Oh, but you will."
Victim: "[Shouting angrily] No I won't!!!"

Oldest trick in the book, yet people keep falling for it.

[Jimbuna]

My wife borrowed the car last week to go shopping and as she returned to the car, saw a young man driving off in our car. The policeman asked her if she could describe the young man.

"Not really" came the reply. " But I did manage to get the licence plate."

[BossMark]

My girlfriend said she wanted to have a serious talk to me about our relationship. We had a nice meal and some wine and then she started. "I think we need to decide in what direction our relationship is going." "I feel we are at a crossroads: one path leads to hardship and commitment but, ultimately, to happiness and joy; the other, well, it just leads to a dead end." She paused. "So what do you say?" I thought about it for a while and then replied, "That"s not a crossroads, you silly cow, that"s a T-Junction"

[Jimbuna]

Three regulars are sat in a pub when a barman asks "You three are in all the time, how do you get persmission of your wifes?!"
The first man replies "I wash the pots and dishes 4 times a week"
The second man replies "I iron and have to pick the kids up from school 5 times a week"
Then the third man replies "Well with me its quite simple... My wife knows the only chance she has of getting laid is after a night in the boozer.

[BossMark]

I saw a sign in McDonald"s today, it said "we do not accept £50 notes".bugger me, if I had a £50 note, I wouldn"t be eating in McDonald"s.